[eunhyuk/donghae] running blind with eyes wide open [part nine - ii]

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Running Blind With Eyes Wide Open by catskilt
eunhyuk/donghae
pg; 4,311 words; multi-chapter
there was a lifetime in each other, if they chose to see it.

part zero; a moment | part one; a past | part two; a denial | part three; a growing up | part four; a togetherness | part five; a separation | part six; a confession | part seven; a quarrel | part eight; a break up | part nine; a falling



He gets through the rest of the day in a sort of daze. His first instinct had been to rush down to the 11th floor immediately to confront Hyukjae about it, but the dorm had been empty save for Sungmin working on his laptop in the dining room. It had been so tempting to ask Sungmin if he knew anything – after all, if there was anyone in the group who would know what Hyukjae was up to in his spare hours, it would be Sungmin – but he couldn't pluck up the courage to do it. It would have been a show of too much neediness, probably even obsessiveness, if he had asked – he couldn't do it. So he'd gone away without saying an extra word.

Both Jungsu and Hyukjae are out all day. When Donghae asks when they'll be back, Seunghwan says that they're rushing up on filming two episodes of Star King instead of one because of Kang Hodong's overseas schedule, so there won't be any hope of catching them before midnight. "Anyway, why do you want to see him so badly?" Seunghwan asks curiously. "Didn't you two get back really late last night?"

"I want to discuss something about the choreography," Donghae says flatly.

"You can text him if anything, you know," Seunghwan points out, and Donghae nods for the sake of agreeing; there's no way he can explain to Seunghwan just why it's impossible to text Hyukjae about this situation. What would he even write? Why did you have lube in your backpack? or perhaps, Who are you fucking?, or even, How could you have been such an asshole to me?

He wants to hurl all kinds of words at Hyukjae; the dirtiest words he can think of, the filthy ones dripping with anger, nothing sweet or tender, just strong and pungent words that can give voice to the amount of anger and hurt he feels. Korean isn't enough. He needs the obscenities and ferocities of more languages; the guttural tones of Japanese, the unapologetic expressiveness of the Chinese dialects, the harshness of English. He needs words that scald and skin and cut. He wants to go into Hyukjae's room and dig out any evidence of somebody else and rip it apart into shreds.

But because he's an idol, a role model or, as the company always says, a professional, he goes to the dance studio with Ryeowook, Jongwoon and Heechul instead and runs through choreography practice with them like dancing still matters something.

As the day wears away so does his anger, giving up pieces of itself to resignation, bit by bit until he finds himself sobbing in his bed at the end of that horrible day, remembering that they have already broken up, that they no longer bear any responsibility to each other. He remembers that Hyukjae hasn't bound them by any expressions of love since they first broke up; remembers that Hyukjae had tried to stop him last night. That he'd been the one, that he is always the one, blinded by his hope and foolish confidence that so much love has to be reciprocated, that he should remain by Hyukjae's side regardless of whether he's wanted there or not.

"Why am I so stupid?" he asks aloud when Jungsu comes tiptoeing into their room around the neighbourhood of two a.m. "When will I ever stop being so stupid?"

Jungsu stops any attempt at noiselessness and flicks on the light switch. "What happened now?" he asks tiredly with a tone in his voice betraying that, willing as he might be to stay up and walk Donghae through his problems, what he truly wants to do is crawl into bed and sleep. The light pierces through the ache in Donghae's head.

"I will never love anyone again," he says.

Jungsu turns away from him to dump his bag onto the floor. "Don't be so final about everything. Life isn't always in black and white."

"Fuck that," says Donghae.

Jungsu sighs. "Is this why Hyukjae was so difficult to deal with today? God, I'm about to give up on you two, I spend the whole day nursing Hyukjae and then I come back and find you like this. You have to work this out with each other, Donghae, it can't be like this all the time, you're gonna drive me mad, I swear. I thought you two had finally come to your senses last year when you were all friendly again but nope, obviously you're still crazy."

Donghae keeps quiet then, more out of the necessity to stop himself from breaking down again than for any other reason. Jungsu takes a long look at his face and groans. "Look," he says. "Just have a good talk, okay? Listen closely and don't interrupt each other when you're talking and don't say you understand unless you truly do. Can you do that before you drive each other insane…and for the sake of the group?"

It's on the tip of his tongue to question why should it be for the sake of the group, why can't it be for my sake, why can't I consider this relationship in the context of Hyukjae and myself as individuals, but he knows it's pointless to vent anything on Jungsu. "Yeah."

"Good," says Jungsu. "Now go to sleep. Nobody thinks properly when they're sleep-deprived."

"I need sleeping pills."

Jungsu sighs, reaches into his dresser and pulls out a little bottle. "Just this once."

Donghae takes the proffered bottle and looks up at Jungsu's drawn face. "What do you really want for Hyukjae and me?"

He expects Jungsu to say something touching, but from the way Jungsu flops onto his bed, it's evident that it's far too late for sentimentality. "I want you to fix things before all of us hurl kitchen pots at you both," he says, and falls asleep the minute his head hits the pillow.

… …

Donghae wakes up in the morning to a succession of texts from Hyukjae.

Can we meet? I need to talk to you, says the first one.

It's important, says the second.

I'll be free this afternoon from four-thirty onwards if you are, says the third.

Okay, he thinks. Let's give this a chance.

… …

When they were seventeen, there had been one little incident that passed out of their immediate memories with time. They had been so young and naïve then, still boys chasing each other on muddy football fields and shooting each other in arcade games and training themselves to sing for an hour without succumbing to hoarseness. Yunho and Junsu had been informed just a week or so ago that they would be debuting soon in a new boyband called Dong Bang Shin Ki. Hyukjae had cried a little on Sungmin's shoulder because they'd never imagined that they would be separated from Junsu permanently, but on the whole he'd seemed happy and supportive of DBSK's debut. His closest friends in SM were approaching the doorway to success; they were leaving the uncertainty of trainee-hood to test out the waters of the Outer World like they'd been dreaming about for so many years now.

Then the management dropped a bombshell – Yunho would have to break up with his girlfriend if he wanted to debut.

Everyone had plenty of negative things to say about that. They all liked Yunho's girlfriend. She was sweet and caring and friendly; she'd once bought Hyukjae a knitted turtleneck because his winter jacket had stuffing sticking out of his linings (his family had been in financial troubles then; Hyukjae didn't have the heart to ask his parents for the burden of a new winter jacket). Yunho was devastated, as expected. Donghae, always more deeply involved with his friends' problems than was healthy for him, had cried and argued and complained almost as much as Yunho. Hyukjae had borne both their unhappiness patiently for two weeks; at the end of it he finally suggested to Donghae that it wasn't as bad as all that; Yunho wanted to debut more than anything so it was a sacrifice he would have to make.

Donghae hadn't taken that well at all. "How can you say that?" he demanded. "That's the most cruel thing I've ever heard!"

"He won't even be able to see her once he debuts," Hyukjae reasoned. "They'll break up anyway, and it will be so much worse then, because they'll be arguing and it'll really distract him from his activities. It'll affect the group too, if he's so upset all the time. They won't be able to focus."

Donghae stared at him in disbelief. "So you're on the company's side?"

"I'm not on anyone's side!" Hyukjae protested. "I just think that it might be best for them if they do break up!"

"I didn't know you were so cold," Donghae said, and ignored him for a week.

Yunho had eventually broken up with his girlfriend as decreed and the group debuted without a hitch. Yunho got over his resentment and anger within a few months; he was too busy with the activities to spend too much time dwelling on what he'd lost, and certainly too busy to think of dating anyone. They stopped talking about the issue, and it took residence permanently at the back of Donghae's mind as one of the strange things that happen in life.

The following March, he and Hyukjae spent weeks constructing a hand-made photo sketchbook for his dad's upcoming birthday. They sketched all sorts of comic strips about their lives in the dorms and how much Donghae missed his dad when he was in Seoul, made several trips to the printers to get the copies of all the photos that Donghae wanted, bound fancy paper together with ribbons tied by stumbling fingers under Sora's strict guidance, wrote funny captions underneath the photos, and, as a finishing stroke, recorded a song that Donghae had composed and Hyukjae had contributed lyrics to in honour of the occasion and burned it onto a CD for his dad to listen to.

When all was ready for Donghae to give to his dad, Hyukjae said, "It's the best birthday present anyone can ever give."

Donghae thought of all the hours that Hyukjae had put into this little project, all the trips that he'd made uncomplainingly to the printers because Donghae couldn't decide which photos he wanted to use. He'd wondered then if he could ever understand Hyukjae's character fully; how could someone who insisted so much on practicality and realism, who believed that logic took precedence over emotion, who could suggest that it was better for his close friend to break up with his girlfriend before his debut, be the same person who'd spent so much time concocting all sorts of funny things that Donghae would never have thought of to include in the photo sketchbook for a man whom he was only slightly acquainted with?

"Thanks for all your help," he said.

Hyukjae grinned, wide and proud. "Your dad will love it," he said happily.

Oh god, Donghae thinks now, recalling the feelings of those-times – how is it that all these details remain so clear even after so many years? How many times had his dad looked through that old sketchbook before he died? – we'd barely even known what love was then, and yet I'd been so ridiculously in love with him.

… …

Hyukjae has booked a private room in a restaurant for them to have their talk in. Donghae initially feels that it's silly taking such precautions since a café will do just as well, then he remembers that their highly anticipated comeback is in exactly two and a half weeks' time and every movement they make now is monitored closely by the media and fans. For the first time since they started in this crazy show business, he feels truly suffocated; as though human walls are closing in on him, squeezing out any chance of a normal life or relationship, stamping out his shots at happiness. The members, the managers, the media, the fans – when will he be able to live for himself, to make decisions without having to consider how it may affect a thousand other people?

He looks across the table at Hyukjae, who's staring out of the window. Hyukjae had barely said a word on the way here; Donghae knows him well enough by now to tell that it's not because he's being cold or unfriendly, but rather that he's simply at a loss for words. It frightens him.

"What do you want to talk about?" he says. Gives Hyukjae the chance to lay open his case.

It takes a moment for Hyukjae to talk. Donghae thinks, if he lies to me, if he's dishonest, if he makes excuses – I'm walking out of here. I won't care about listening closely to him. No matter what he says, if he starts with a lie, I'll walk out of here.

But then Hyukjae says, "I think I should tell you that I'm with someone…sort of", and it's the kind of honesty you can't fight, the kind of bluntness that makes you listen. Donghae sits dumbly as Hyukjae goes on, "It's not much…really. I don't even know him all that well. He's a friend of Taekgun's…you remember Taekgun? I met him a month ago when Taekgun brought him to a dinner – we played pool a couple of times together…hit it off…and I don't know, I guess I was just so stressed with everything happening in the group, I needed someone who didn't know anything about what was going on. He didn't care about Suju or want to know about it, and…that was important to me. We went for a few drinks. Talked a bit." He pauses for a moment, his eyes fixed on the table. "I don't love him. Nothing like that. He's just someone to be with. A friend. But…I think you should know. It's your right, because – it's not fair, if I don't let you know, and…that night when we – it was all my fault. I couldn't…I wanted to do it, so badly, because I've missed you so much, but the thing is, I shouldn't have. I'm so sorry."

"You've slept with him," says Donghae.

Hyukjae flushes. "Yes," he says, and doesn't volunteer any additional information.

"Was it good?"

"Don't…"

"Was it?"

"It's just sex," says Hyukjae. "Nothing more than that. It's just sex, that's all."

"And I suppose that's what it's been with me too? Just sex?"

Hyukjae bites down on his lip so hard that it draws blood. "No. It doesn't compare with anything you and I have done. He's – it's not even a relationship, with him. He works in China – he's going back in a week's time – and we probably won't contact each other anymore."

Donghae can be cruel. He can prolong this agony. He can imagine questioning Hyukjae further, making him squirm and stutter and hate himself. He can tell Hyukjae that he'd faced the same temptation and refused to allow himself to succumb to it. He knows that he can make this into something Hyukjae will never forgive himself for.

But the unhappiness in Hyukjae's eyes restrains him. He's angry, hurt, betrayed in a weird sense – but something in him speaks louder than his need for revenge. Something that's partly the remembrance of everything that Hyukjae has gone through for him and never spoken much about – the overturning of his beliefs that must have keep him up more nights than Donghae knows, the trouble with his friends that he hasn't mentioned since that awful day in the practice room when he'd revealed the whole story, the trouble with his family that he has been dealing with by himself without complaint. And something that, more importantly, has to do with Hyukjae himself – the indefinable something that sets him apart from everyone else in Donghae's eyes – it could be his innate goodness or his little quirks or a hundred other unidentifiable things about him that Donghae can't pinpoint but can't help being weak for.

It all boils down to a fact as simple as this: he can't hurt Hyukjae, not in the way he wants.

He reaches over and tugs at Hyukjae's hand until Hyukjae gets the message and looks up at him. Then he asks, "Why did you do it with me?"

"I didn't think…at that moment, I was telling myself that I had to stop," Hyukjae says. "But you asked me not to push you away, and your eyes – I just – I couldn't help it. I missed it too much. I'm sorry."

Donghae takes a breath. "Don't ever do that to me again. Don't sleep with me if you're carrying on with someone else. I'm not your fuck-buddy."

Hyukjae nods silently.

He says a little wonderingly, "I've been a fool for you." Hyukjae bites down on his lip again, and Donghae clarifies, "I don't mean that's a bad thing. You're the first person I've ever loved. I know you've done a lot of things for me too. The thing is, even though we'd broken up, I kept thinking – somehow I just kept feeling that we still belonged to each other."

He pauses in case Hyukjae wants to talk but he doesn't, so he continues, "I was wrong about that. You're free from me, and this thing with the guy – it's your business."

"I don't want you to think that our relationship wasn't special to me," Hyukjae says. "It was - still is."

"Except we can't be together."

"No," Hyukjae agrees quietly.

They sit in silence for a while, until Donghae says with a little twisted smile, "Guess it needs more than just love and fresh air to keep a relationship going, huh?"

"Donghae," says Hyukjae, "I know we've never really talked about this before – even when we broke up, we kind of left a lot of things unsettled. I guess we both couldn't bear to let go…really let go, I mean. The fact is, ever since we were kids, we've practically been each other's one and only…you're the first person I fell in love with, too, and while it probably would have worked under different circumstances…we're still colleagues, with the group and a lot of work to be responsible for, and I know – I wish that we could just go away from all this and figure out how we work together without all these other factors messing things up, but as it is, we've got to face things as they are. Nothing about this situation is going to change – yet."

"What you're trying to say is that this is a good time for us to go our separate ways and find out if there are other people out there for us."

"Maybe…," Hyukjae begins.

Donghae cuts him off. "No more maybes, Hyuk. If we're doing this, we might as well do it all the way, with no maybes to think about."

"You're right," says Hyukjae. He sounds about as sad as Donghae has ever heard him, and for one moment – one intense, yearning moment, he wishes that they'd somehow made this thing work. How could it not have worked, when they'd both loved each other passionately and were willing to sacrifice so much in their belief that they belonged together? How could they have come to this point, sitting in this impersonal room discussing their relationship in such threadbare terms, after going through the discovery of love together? How had it happened – who had been the first one to step away, to put the distance between them?

But all those questions are impossible to answer. And as much as he wishes that they could've been a fairy-tale, he knows that there is no point in wishing reality away.

"So," he says. "This is it."

Neither of them can meet each other's eyes. Iron fingers are digging into his throat, but he tells himself that it's too soon to cry. Don't be weak. Don't make this anymore difficult than it already is. There'll be plenty of time for tears when you get home, but don't cry now when it'll only hurt you both more, weaken your resolve.

"Yes," says Hyukjae, so low that he has to strain to hear it.

That is how their relationship ends.

… …

The group makes the comeback with 'Miinah' on Music Bank two weeks later. They're keyed up to the highest point, determined to prove that ten men on stage can work just as well as thirteen, as twelve. Watching the video afterwards, Donghae is amazed at how the stage looks as full as it ever has; all of them are performing as though they have a statement to make.

May passes into June and then July. The days get even hotter. 'Miinah' does better in the charts than they'd hoped for, though it doesn't match even half the success of Sorry Sorry. But more and more fan letters and gifts are pouring in from all corners of the globe – sometimes Jungsu reads the names of the countries aloud, at random, for them to be impressed and flattered by – places like South Africa, Chile, Germany, France, Russia, the United States – and Ryeowook wonders aloud what they've done to deserve such love and support.

"Don't wonder," says Junghoon. "The important thing is to maintain that love and support."

The group whittles down to nine when Heechul enlists. It's like losing the backbone of Super Junior's personality. Jungsu, Shindong and Hyukjae start disappearing from the dorms even more frequently to take on more variety roles; Sungmin starts getting busy with his musical work; Ryeowook, Jongwoon and Kyuhyun start recording more OSTs; Siwon and Donghae are informed that the company is in talks to star them in an upcoming Taiwanese drama. He barely sees Hyukjae for more than two hours at a time in the busy periods of August and September. Perhaps the absence starts to heal the wounds a little. He stops thinking constantly about Hyukjae's mysterious 'other guy' (whom he guesses has gone back to China and no longer has any part to play in this little picture). One morning he even finds himself laughing without that niggling feeling of emptiness.

Towards the end of September, he starts hanging out with Siwon's church friends. They're by and large a happy, cheerful group, always planning fun outings and hosting parties at each other's houses, not at all star-struck by the thought that two Super Junior members are in their midst (actually, as most of them are fairly well-to-do, they're more than used to being around famous people). Siwon reveals under strict confidence that he's dating Sooyoung, and doesn't want even the management to know. He points out that they'll be hounded about what they should or should not do if the management finds out that they're dating, and Donghae can't find the conviction to disagree. He doesn't mind it, anyway – Sooyoung is fun to be around, and her humour matches Siwon's perfectly. Donghae begins to enjoy being around the both of them, and they hang out at friends' places, go for high teas together in Siwon's exclusive, premium, only-for-the-super-rich country clubs. Sometimes they play badminton, and Siwon usually finds a date for Donghae out of a trio of good-looking, clever, rich young men who are all equally pleasant to be with and equally indistinguishable from each other. Donghae doesn't mind that either; it's quite flattering, if he's to be honest, to know that he's desired by these social elite even if he's not personally interested in any of them.

One of his dates introduces him to the boys from One Way, and so opens the door to the most fun and enlightening times that Donghae has yet had in the musical line. Peter, Youngsky and Chance are hilarious, gifted, open to new ideas, adventurous in their music styles, and they spend days jamming together, listening to all sorts of old records, talking about songs that they want to compose. Peter promises that they'll write him a song that will "make your fans jump up onto their seats".

Chance likes to explore the city, claiming that it jumpstarts his creative juices, so Donghae joins him in his weekly car rides around Seoul. He looks at an ahjumma sitting over her spread of fresh fruits; at the mechanics servicing cars in tiny shops; at children playing in a school yard. Schoolboys playing basketball. Girls gossiping and flirting with boys in quiet cafés. College students walking to class with books on their arms and headphones in their ears. Office ladies wandering in search of their lunch fixes with wallets held carelessly in their hands. He feels himself realigning with the real world, with the cares and troubles and laughter and ordinary everyday doings lingering just beyond the entertainment industry's blinders.

"Ain't that bad to be ordinary," Chance says wisely, "even though we all have our eyes set on the prize, hm?"

… ...

If he still wakes up now and then in the middle of the night with tears on his cheeks and fists gripping the blanket – if what he remembers dreaming about is someone else's hands on Hyukjae, touching him, entering him, kissing him in intimate areas that Donghae had once considered his exclusive property (and it hurts so badly, it still hurts, it'll hurt for a long time yet), he doesn't acknowledge it to anyone, not even himself.

He tells himself, instead, that even a hurt like this will pass with time. That one day he'll realise that it no longer aches. One day he'll look around without expecting to see Hyukjae beside him.

He doesn't acknowledge, either, the shell forming around the part of his heart that had once believed in the power of love to overturn anything in its way.

… …

In the cooling days of mid-October, Donghae finally starts seeing someone else.


previous: part nine (i); a falling | next: part ten (i); a support

---
I'm beginning to sense the end of this mammoth verse. Estimating another three or four parts to go...! Also, it has hit 80,000 words, how ridiculous is that?

Comments

[geje-gila.livejournal.com]

They broke up???
Oh my god, the entire story is so angsty and filled with depression ;;;;
And I can't help but shedding tears when they broke up because they were just perfect yet some situations make them fall apart, and I'm just sad that it can't be fixed in any way until they have to break up and it breaks my heart T___T

(Can't help but curse at Hyukjae for being with another man without breaking up properly with Donghae though ;;;)

Anyway sorry I just comment now >< I read your story in one go just the other day, but I forgot to comment (stupid me is stupid) so here's a somewhat comment (which is kind of messy I know but please forgive me because I'm still crying and shaken up with this chapter TAT) and I'll make sure I'll comment in your next next next chapter :D

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for commenting! :D

Yes...it is angsty...but if it's any comfort, this is probably the lowest point in this fic? Things will get better from here~

[apieceofsilver.livejournal.com]

Four more chapters to go? This is getting more painful the farther we go into it that I really need to force myself to breathe after reading it.

The Bonamana era was the time when there were theories of EunHae fighting right? I wasn't around as an ELF at that time but I've read the "theories" on it, And of course I've backtracked to videos of the blatant flirting and interaction between Donghae with Sunye (who is happily married now I believe). You're going to make me cry in the following chapters, I just know it.

It's really nice that you discussed here the harsh reality of the world celebrities live in (not just EunHae), I mean with the sometimes, crazy and possessive fanbase culture in Korea, it's not impossible that EunHae are dealing with such dilemmas and would have to make difficult (and painful) decisions to survive that. I love this fic for the level of realism it depicts. :) so thank you for this! <3

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

DDDDD: I'm sorry about the pain but this is really the saddest that it will go, I think it'll be fairly happy-ish from now on...if that helps?

Hmmm yea, the Bonamana era, well, more like the 'No Other' promos if I remember rightly but for the sake of this story I have to ignore that detail XD I remember Hyuk and Hae were kind of strangely cold to each other for a couple of weeks, and then they suddenly seemed to patch up and were all touchy-feely again! The flirting between Donghae and Sunye was on Come to Play, right? Seeing as she was already with her boyfriend at that time...it was probably just for the sake of variety entertainment...haha.

Thanks for reading! Yes, my plan all along was to make this fic feel "realistic", so I'm happy that it worked out :D

[apieceofsilver.livejournal.com]

Ok, so you promise that things will get better from here? /hugs/ :D

Ah I didn't see those videos of them being a little distant from each other. (wasn't an elf yet at that time OTL) and yes, the gayest performance ever was during that No Other performance where they were all wearing pink and stuff. UGGGHHH. SO. GOOD. I CAN'T.

Oh and I didn't know that Sunye was with her boyfriend as early as that time. WOW. That episode kind of made me think that Donghae was really having serious feelings for her because he was NOT the usual shy and who-don't-give-a-fuck Donghae hehe. Thanks for that clarification! Haha, I can't believe I'm only finding about things like this NOW.

LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR UPDATES!<3 I feel so happy right now... This fic then SS5 in our country... 2013 rocks~! XD

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Well, according to my outline, yes, there shouldn't be too much angst anymore XDD

I don't think there was any "concrete evidence" of them being cold to each other, but it was more of a vibe? Like usually they'll interact during performances and stuff, but for a few weeks in a row they didn't seem to acknowledge each other's presence at all. So ofc we shippers ran away with our imaginations ;) But yes, that pink ghei performance, I remember that as the time that they suddenly seemed fine with each other again and were all lovey dovey!

Okay I can't remember the exact timing of Sunye being with her bf but it would have been either during that time or quite soon after that.

Oh, you're from S'pore too??

[apieceofsilver.livejournal.com]

YOU HAVE AN OUTLINE. OMFG. I LOVE IT. <3

I live close enough!:) I'm from the Philippines. Sorry I'm very confusing, sometimes. OTL
But yey to both of us for SS5!!! It'll be my first time :). I was considering going to Singapore if they weren't coming here. But YEY!

[thesaddestlove.livejournal.com]

Reading this and breathing at the same time proved to be quite hard. Truthfully, I was expecting the worst, but it was obvious, with how I held my breath, that I was hoping for something good, too. I really cried for them, it was just really heartbreaking to see them finally let go and end things between them. But I guess I'm also glad... that they're taking this step. Especially for Donghae. I think everything that happened between him and Hyukjae will help him mature and grow up, emotionally. People learn in different ways, and perhaps, this is Donghae's opportunity. And Hyukjae's, too, probably. I still have hope for this couple though. ;~~;

(Congratulations on hitting 80,000 words, by the way. That's amazing!)

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

I know right? 80,000 words! And when I started this fic, my target was only 70,000 lol. Look at how it mushroomed...

Yes, they've finally let go 'cleanly'...but then, there's that saying, when a door shuts a window opens ;)

[ialwayswill.livejournal.com]

:(

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

It will be happy from now on!

Btw...unrelated, but which video is your dp from? Donghae looks yummlicious~

[(Anonymous)]

oh my god this was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to take this combination. ;;___;; seeing them finally ending everything is sad and painful, but at the same time understandable, under these circumstances. I have to say that this whole story is beyond realistic, especially when compared to many others I've read; and I guess this is what makes it even more painful...and wonderful, at the same time.

I'm actually sad this is slowly coming to an end, even though it made me shed many tears so far; I'm sure I'll shed even more and, to be honest, I'm fearing the impact the next chapter will have on me ;_; I still have hopes for them though...and for a happy ending, if there is any chance for that to happen ; ;

[nobubblegums.livejournal.com]

I've ended up posting as anonymous, oh well. sorry for the double comments too >_<

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Don't be sorry! Your comment makes me happy <3 I'm really glad that the fic makes sense and comes across as realistic cos I'm not always very clear-headed when writing it...

As for the ending, look to the very first part - that would give you a hint ;)

[daya219.livejournal.com]

just wow i love your writing style!
This is so heartbreaking T.T

[arisu19.livejournal.com]

i screamed when i saw the update. really, my neighbors must think i'm crazy.. XD
ok, i'm glad that they decided to talk about actually letting go, because honestly, that thing donghae did to himself with always hoping they somehow can be together again was painful! but then again, that last sentence with the shell forming around his heart makes me sad, too! i hope they won't hurt much in the next chapters weither they are together or not!
and one last thing, of course i wasn't expecting anything less from such a wonderful fic, but i think i should say thank you for making them date other men because i've read so many fics where eunhae are only gay for eachother, it's not even funny... -.-
anywayzzzz i can't freaking wait to see who is donghae seeing and what's gonna happen!!

[sjdisease.livejournal.com]

This chapter physically hurt. I knew it was coming, but it still really fucking hurt.

I felt so incredibly proud of Donghae. I just wanted to hold him and tell him that he's perfect and wonderful. I know he's not faultless in all of this, and for gods sake, I'm a Jewel, but I feel like he handled this whole thing like a total champ. Even though they were not technically together, I can't help but want to punch Hyukjae in the fucking eye. It's immature of me, and it's a childish way to react, but I am still mad at him. If I had have been in Donghae's place, I would have stabbed him with the nearest sharp instrument and screamed at him and told him how lousy he was. I'm sure he's already feeling shit, but...you know. Anyway back to Donghae. He handled this beautifully. He was strong and wonderful. I just felt really proud of him. I don't know.

If this fic is going to follow along with real events like it usually does, then I'm hoping, hoping with all of my heart, that everything will be okay. Because let's face it, they are practically an old married couple nowadays. But whichever direction you take it in will, of course, be beautiful, because everything you write is beautiful. And I mean that. If you wrote a novel, I would buy it. I would buy however many copies I needed to share it around to everyone I knew and say "look at this fucking amazing writer, LOVE HER." I actually would. I ain't kidding.

The next few chapters are going to be a rollercoaster, I can tell! I can't wait to ride it.

<3

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Omg I don't even know what to say really. Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. I don't think I'll ever be able to write a novel, a freakishly long fanfic seems to be all I can handle, but I really am flattered that you think I can ♥

Yes, Donghae finally acted in a mature, level-headed way about the situation, and I think Hyuk responded well to that, too? In any case, they'll have a ways to go!

[sjdisease.livejournal.com]

Yes, Hyukjae was pretty wonderful about the whole thing too. He apologised for the right things, took the initiative to tell Donghae the truth, and was just letting Donghae process it however he needed to. Which was great. They both handled it well.

Wonderful chapter, even if it was like a punch in the guts! Can't wait for the next one. :)

[(Anonymous)]

So this is it. Now things can only go better and better, or worse and worse. I mean, I can fully understand what happened. Someway the harsh reality - Hyukjae and an other man, Hyukjae putting the team before Donghae, the true end of their relationship - is what Donghae needed. I've always been pretty convinced that you need to know exactly what you don't want, before acknowledging what you really want, and someway they're doing it. They have different friends, different lives, different dates. But maybe this is what really will bring them back together ( because they'll be back together, wont' they? *pouting as Donghae*).
I just loved both of them in this chapter. Hyukjae making up his mind and deciding to be sincere, and Donghae starting to man up and behave a in manler and more mature way.
So, as usual, everything's perfect.

[piggybunny12.livejournal.com]

Oh just a tad angsty, eh? Still beautiful, but so painful to read...yay for healthy behavior and communicating and honesty but I can't believe this is ending soon. I don't even know how I want it to end anymore...
In any case-thanks for such a quick update!

[lamppy.livejournal.com]

Whoa, I must say that I don’t really like Leeteuk in this story. Don’t get me wrong, I perfectly understand him, he’s great leader, he carries about everything, bla bla bla, but since I care mostly about Donghae in this story … well, one sweet moment between them would be very much appreciated.
And really, it seems like he doesn’t understand; for Donghae everything is black and white. I think we often underestimate Donghae as a character, because he is so easy to understand, his reasons are so simple. And the way you made him, like he is so loyal about everything, not only for Hyukjae, but like in previous part he didn’t even understood why Hyukjae needs to break free from the group and meet people outside; for Donghae Super Junior is everything, this is his life and he doesn’t need to escape from it.

So, it makes even sadder the main scene in the chapter when Donghae is forced to admit that he was wrong about everything. Honestly, I was weeping a little bit when he said that it’s not true that they belong to each other.

Hyukjae didn’t disappoint me this time, I love his honesty in this chapter, he was so sweet, I really missed them talking to each other. It was hurtful in some ways of course, but finally they settled something together without mess and confusion around. And I’m really happy for them, or rather relieved, because the whole still-hoping-and-waiting-Donghae thing was kind of killing me inside.

I can’t believe what I’m saying but I’m looking forward to see him with someone else. The shell around his heart thing.. It should make me sad, but it doesn’t. After this time it seems like the most logic and kind of appreciated consequence of his love life.

BTW, Siwon you lovely person, let me hug you!

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

I've sort of made Teuk a bit insensitive, huh? But I guess I'm just tired of all the portrayals of him as a loving caring understanding leader etc. and I wanted to show a slightly different side of him - not that he doesn't care, but he gets tired and grumpy at times, too. At this point he's probably like...geez I'm already so busy, and I've already been humouring Hyukjae's bad mood for an entire day, and I come home wanting to sleep but Donghae's in a bad mood too...! Like will these two get their act together! XD

I'm glad that you liked this chapter :) And yesss Siwon. I feel like he deserves a bigger part!

[donghaelips.livejournal.com]

This update breaks my heart God.

I just love this story to the bits and first of all I want to say do not think that 80,000 words of this were ridiculous because every sentence, every word was beautiful. I mean your writing, it's just plain awesome. And this is so realistic that it breaks my heart into pieces. I love the pain this story gives me. :D and about this chap, I felt so sorry for Donghae. He needed to end their relationship. He had to accept ending it actually and I don't get it why they're both in love but also they need a break. But they ended it for real now and it just tears me down. But I believe they will find their way to each other soon. Although Donghae is seeing someone else they will eventually realize how important and how indispensable they are for each other. And I'm so sad this masterpiece of yours is going to be over soon. This is perfect really. I need more of your writing in my life so write more I hope I'll see it and comment immediately. :)

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for this lovely comment <3

[flameflowerful.livejournal.com]

jesus 80,000 you're amazing okay ^w^


what can I say? I was reading everyone else's comments, and they already expressed a lot of what I felt (and more)

I mean

You have no idea how relieved I was to see that Donghae finally realized that oh... he and hyukjae was no longer bound to each other and so it wasn't exactly cheating was it? but it was heartbreaking too. his hurting makes us hurt so much

As the day wears away so does his anger, giving up pieces of itself to resignation, bit by bit until he finds himself sobbing in his bed at the end of that horrible day, remembering that they have already broken up, that they no longer bear any responsibility to each other

everytime you write a sentence like that, that kind of summed up a fact about their relationship - it felt more universal because so many other couples go through similar things. the way you titled each part shows that; each relationship has that infatuation phase. most relationships having a falling apart
the parts where they were talking and donghae wondering about how they still couldn't stay together even though they obviously loved each other so much. how was that possible?? and that unanswered question felt like... it won't ever be answerable and that just feels like life and you just showed that perfectly ;_;

(we're all suckers for happy endings and especially since eunhae are so close right now I wonder how they'll be later on.)

donghae's heart being enclosed by a shell soon. a little sad but I think almost necessary? in terms of what he's been through. him dating someone else o.o (finally huh? I want to see how this goes)

ALSO SKIP BEAT ERA (and his gorgeous blond hair) IS COMING UP WHOOP.

[zephyral.livejournal.com]

well, i guess i did see that coming. or well, i expected the situation to either force them to /really/ break up or to start the process of getting back together. one or the other. that it was the former really shouldn't be surprising. because they seem to love in such different ways. i mean to me it seems donghae loves like a child, fully selfishly possessively intensely, and he doesn't care about anything else, consequences or such. maybe he doesn't really love, more like loves the idea of love, of being someone's forever and ever. it's so inward looking.

and hyuk, hyuk thinks and wonders and considers and ponders. and somehow it seems to be at oh if hyuk had gone back to donghae now it would just be a process of hurting and sacrifice, because he loves so much. and donghae wants so much and needs so much and he thinks it's alright! they don't love the same way so it's so hard for it to be an equal relationship.

i'm so glad this happened, that somehow this allowed donghae to grow and to let go and to realize maybe, in time, that there are other ways of loving, that it doesn't have to be so terribly all-consuming.

i'm really excited to find out more about donghae and hyukjae's other relationships!!

beautiful writing as usual, i like that this fic makes me think so hard <333

[ascalpeladay.livejournal.com]

What! We're close to ending this beautiful mammoth verse?! I'm kinda of happy but really REALLY sad about it.

It's great how realistic this piece is. Like how sometimes the greatest love don't work out even if it's the best there is for both of them because there are bigger things that they need to do or choices that has to be made.

The next parts seemed a little hurried but I guess now that they've broken up, completely and what feels like irrevocably, there won't be anything to say than be repetitive about how both of them are so broken over things and deflect it by working and choosing to move on.

I do wonder how everything would tie up in the end since in the very first chapter set in their later years...well, I still hope for the best. And by the best I mean everyone in the fandom not losing their sanity. But that's unlikely since you do always have something up your sleeve most of the time and it's pretty amazing!

BEAUTIFULLLLLL~

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Knowing me, I will have this neat little outline planned and I tell myself, "oh, it's going to end in another 4 parts!" and then I write and the story goes haywire and it ends up being longer than I anticipated....so we're not really close to the ending yet ;)

But yes, as you said, it'll just get repetitive from here on if I continue waffing on about their emotions (or lack thereof) for each other, so...a couple more key plot points and then we'll cut to the chase and get into the meaty parts again :D

THANK YOU <3333 seriously, your comments make me happy!

[dalankar.livejournal.com]

oh my heart! The pain in this chapter is just...this really really hurts. And you do it so well too :)

[steeel-magnolia.livejournal.com]

I AM SAD
the sense of finality is like a huge shock because I always assumed that they'd get back together. this is heartbreaking. but I guess it is good for them in a sense. time heals all wounds right?
;______;.

[(Anonymous)]

wow.
this story is so good, I'm at loss of words. I just love love love how realistic it is, you are making me believe that this is what actually happened (well, who knows?) and somewhere in the middle of the chapter I wondered how are they doing now, is everything ok :D
even though my heart is broken, I'm actually glad they broke up and made everything clean between them. and donghae! handling this awful situation with so much maturity and strength. bravo for that! and I'm proud of hyukjae too, choosing to tell donghae about that other guy (I'm still kinda disappointed and mad at him, despite not having reason for that because they weren't in the relationship in the first place but UGH). I can't wait to read what is hyuk's reaction to donghae seeing someone else now. I'm so anxious.
I read the first chapter again and now I'm scared to think everything is going to be fine, but I can't hellp it!

seriously, your way with words and emotions is magnificent.

[caracolas en la luna (from livejournal.com)]

Hi, Lady ^^. I need to tell you this. I think this is my first comment ever around here. Maybe. I don't know.
I am one of these loyal fans who like sooo much this story, so I won't compliment about anything. Even if you have had my heart turning in pieces. This is breath-teaking and heart-breaking.
You have really no idea what have this made to me!? It's crazy!
And when I read the last one before this one, I was turned apart. I was so so so broken because my Donghae and his pain that actually I didn't want to read this. I thought I couldn't stand it.
But here I am. And I loved it.
Even if I messed up with Heechul enlisted because I don't know, there is a lot of time. And even if my heart keeps bleeding for this. Here I am and let me tell that I love you and I love this story. It's so human, so real.
My Donghae suffers a lot. Like too much. Like I can't see it with no suffer with him. But, that is what makes this so perfect. HE suffers a lot because He LOVES a lot too. He loves his Hyukjae even more than himself and this is so beautiful and sad at the same time.
I can't imagine seeing him suffers the quarter part of this.
And then, when the time passes by slowly you bring me back my hopes. Because it's about time that Donghae gets together again and laughs again and live again without the feeling of emptyness, without feeling like a traitor. It's just time to be. And the last line, I loved it.
So thank you so so so much.
I'm not cleaver. I'm even not good with words (so many typos and nonsenses) but I hope you know what I want to say.
And I hope you will come back sooner because this story is into my heart and I can't live without it... well, sort of.
And I do hate Hyukjae but just a little bit and it's because this is pretty much Donghae's pov so I know all about his suffering and pain and sorrow. But I keep my faith they end together and loving each other in a more mature way, maybe.
But until then it's so fair, it's so right Donghae starts seeing someone new, differente, lovely and perfect.

[alleycat08.livejournal.com]

OMG your story. The feelings it creates in me are indescribable. It's so realistic and i can imagine it happening in real life. The story perfectly describes what i believe would've happened if Eunhae are real.

You definitely should attempt writing a novel if you've not done so already. You have a special way with words and definitely shouldn't let the talent go to waste.

If your story follows what we've all seen then i'm definitely looking forward to happier Eunhae times with more jealous Hae (Boa??? hahaha)

I hope you continue your story for a while coz i really can't bare for it to end at all :)

[l-mmdays.livejournal.com]

gem is this possible i mean i think it is my heart felt bad after reading this so i ran to the eunhae tag on tumblr and tried to make the saddness go away because this part brought me close to some crocodile tears. this was perfect in every possible way. life-changing, soul-numbing call it whatever you want to, but this part was one of your best.

writing angst really fits you, you know? i mean, when i think of angst you're one of the few authors who pop up in my mind.

this is gorgeous. beautiful. aching. your fanfiction turned into reality would hurt really badly, so hopefully our real life eunhae are happy and smiling and eating ice cream.

what else is on your wondrous mind, miss?

<3<3<3:x

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Aww :( but this is probably the angstiest that this fic will go, after this it should be pretty emotionally stable. If that helps!

I think I'm a sadist, is all. I like tormenting my characters and breaking their hearts. ;) But thank you so much for all your lovely praises and yes I hope that they're happy and eating ice cream (and doing other things, too)!

You wouldn't want to know what I have on my mind after this fic is done with hahahaha

[sofunoyume.livejournal.com]

This is killing me, it's really killing me and I can't even get away.
As always, prefectly in character, perfectly written.
Donghae was so hopeful, so firmly believing in their love up till now, it made me trully sad the way they ended up here. But because I am even more hopeful than Donghae, I'm not giving up lol
I especially liked the way you let the sad feeling sort of fade away towards the end. I was really sad and frustrated by the time they met up and broke up for good. And because I had read the last line by mistake already, before reading the whole thing, I expected me to, I don't know, cry my eyes out in the end. But you executed Donghae's point of view so well that, by the time we reached the end, I was feeling more bitter than anything, as if time had really passed.

I will write no more, I am forever an admirer of your writing, as I have stated countless times. Thank you for this!
Waiting eagerly for the next chapter! =)

[myeunhae.livejournal.com]

huwaaaaa.... Its so saaaadddd....
Why, HyukJae yah??? Despite that i appreciate his honesty.... But still its hurt to see him hurting DongHae.... I remmber DongHae can restain himself to have sex with that man when he was in china... And its just sad to know that hyukjae can't do the same thing for donghae... Its completely sad... And wondering whether this would affect their relationship in the future... Speaking of loyalty, faith and trust to each other....

Anyway, i would still hoping that they will end up together... But Hyuk Jae needs to suffer first, he must beg for forgiveness....

Well, am a jewels, i loveeeeee HyukJae more... But in this case, i hope he pass certain stage that makes him beg for Donghae...wakakkkkakakaka...

Btw, Happy happy birthday, Author nim...... Wsh you a health, success in everyhting you do, happiness and spirit.....
I am happy that you said its going to end in a couple of chapter more... Though its sad to know, since i love this story so much..... But i trust you will give us a very great ending... And pleaseeee let it be EunHae... Togethr...

Love you, author nim.... Have a wonderful birthday... May all ur bday wishes comes true......

[jewelf-13.livejournal.com]

i thought everything is going to be better
but looks like it becomes worse
my God....i cried!!!!why they have to break up
and while reading this,,there's rumor hyuk is getting married
i dunno how to contain myself anymore
i'm so sad....hyukjae....my baby
anyway,,same as donghae,,i wonder who was hyuk's "fuck-buddy"
and who the hell donghae dates in the mid-October????
to think that you're going to update like usual
make me even sadder....it's cliff-hanger.......
but...i'll just wait....as usual T___T

[(Anonymous)]

I just discovered this story yesterday and spent whenever I could reading it from the first chapter. If I started talking about what I loved about this I would probably have to copy and paste the whole thing XD Brilliant writing, it really swept me away. Now I'm dreading the wait for the next parts ): Thank you for sharing this piece of art with us :)

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for commenting! I hope to be able to update it soon..

[eunhyuk5.livejournal.com]

I was just reading it normally thinking the angst wasn't affecting me so much but then at the sentence : " That is how their relationship ends." , tears just started flowing from my eyes. God this is so sad :( and yet i can't help but actually accept the fact that this would be the best, although i really do want them to be together. You're making me feel so many emotions, i can't handle them!!
I'm loving this story, it's amazing !! <3