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catskilt
eunhyuk/donghae
pg; 4,311 words; multi-chapter
there was a lifetime in each other, if they chose to see it.
part zero; a moment | part one; a past | part two; a denial | part three; a growing up | part four; a togetherness | part five; a separation | part six; a confession | part seven; a quarrel | part eight; a break up | part nine; a falling
He gets through the rest of the day in a sort of daze. His first instinct had been to rush down to the 11th floor immediately to confront Hyukjae about it, but the dorm had been empty save for Sungmin working on his laptop in the dining room. It had been so tempting to ask Sungmin if he knew anything – after all, if there was anyone in the group who would know what Hyukjae was up to in his spare hours, it would be Sungmin – but he couldn't pluck up the courage to do it. It would have been a show of too much neediness, probably even obsessiveness, if he had asked – he couldn't do it. So he'd gone away without saying an extra word.
Both Jungsu and Hyukjae are out all day. When Donghae asks when they'll be back, Seunghwan says that they're rushing up on filming two episodes of Star King instead of one because of Kang Hodong's overseas schedule, so there won't be any hope of catching them before midnight. "Anyway, why do you want to see him so badly?" Seunghwan asks curiously. "Didn't you two get back really late last night?"
"I want to discuss something about the choreography," Donghae says flatly.
"You can text him if anything, you know," Seunghwan points out, and Donghae nods for the sake of agreeing; there's no way he can explain to Seunghwan just why it's impossible to text Hyukjae about this situation. What would he even write? Why did you have lube in your backpack? or perhaps, Who are you fucking?, or even, How could you have been such an asshole to me?
He wants to hurl all kinds of words at Hyukjae; the dirtiest words he can think of, the filthy ones dripping with anger, nothing sweet or tender, just strong and pungent words that can give voice to the amount of anger and hurt he feels. Korean isn't enough. He needs the obscenities and ferocities of more languages; the guttural tones of Japanese, the unapologetic expressiveness of the Chinese dialects, the harshness of English. He needs words that scald and skin and cut. He wants to go into Hyukjae's room and dig out any evidence of somebody else and rip it apart into shreds.
But because he's an idol, a role model or, as the company always says, a professional, he goes to the dance studio with Ryeowook, Jongwoon and Heechul instead and runs through choreography practice with them like dancing still matters something.
As the day wears away so does his anger, giving up pieces of itself to resignation, bit by bit until he finds himself sobbing in his bed at the end of that horrible day, remembering that they have already broken up, that they no longer bear any responsibility to each other. He remembers that Hyukjae hasn't bound them by any expressions of love since they first broke up; remembers that Hyukjae had tried to stop him last night. That he'd been the one, that he is always the one, blinded by his hope and foolish confidence that so much love has to be reciprocated, that he should remain by Hyukjae's side regardless of whether he's wanted there or not.
"Why am I so stupid?" he asks aloud when Jungsu comes tiptoeing into their room around the neighbourhood of two a.m. "When will I ever stop being so stupid?"
Jungsu stops any attempt at noiselessness and flicks on the light switch. "What happened now?" he asks tiredly with a tone in his voice betraying that, willing as he might be to stay up and walk Donghae through his problems, what he truly wants to do is crawl into bed and sleep. The light pierces through the ache in Donghae's head.
"I will never love anyone again," he says.
Jungsu turns away from him to dump his bag onto the floor. "Don't be so final about everything. Life isn't always in black and white."
"Fuck that," says Donghae.
Jungsu sighs. "Is this why Hyukjae was so difficult to deal with today? God, I'm about to give up on you two, I spend the whole day nursing Hyukjae and then I come back and find you like this. You have to work this out with each other, Donghae, it can't be like this all the time, you're gonna drive me mad, I swear. I thought you two had finally come to your senses last year when you were all friendly again but nope, obviously you're still crazy."
Donghae keeps quiet then, more out of the necessity to stop himself from breaking down again than for any other reason. Jungsu takes a long look at his face and groans. "Look," he says. "Just have a good talk, okay? Listen closely and don't interrupt each other when you're talking and don't say you understand unless you truly do. Can you do that before you drive each other insane…and for the sake of the group?"
It's on the tip of his tongue to question why should it be for the sake of the group, why can't it be for my sake, why can't I consider this relationship in the context of Hyukjae and myself as individuals, but he knows it's pointless to vent anything on Jungsu. "Yeah."
"Good," says Jungsu. "Now go to sleep. Nobody thinks properly when they're sleep-deprived."
"I need sleeping pills."
Jungsu sighs, reaches into his dresser and pulls out a little bottle. "Just this once."
Donghae takes the proffered bottle and looks up at Jungsu's drawn face. "What do you really want for Hyukjae and me?"
He expects Jungsu to say something touching, but from the way Jungsu flops onto his bed, it's evident that it's far too late for sentimentality. "I want you to fix things before all of us hurl kitchen pots at you both," he says, and falls asleep the minute his head hits the pillow.
… …
Donghae wakes up in the morning to a succession of texts from Hyukjae.
Can we meet? I need to talk to you, says the first one.
It's important, says the second.
I'll be free this afternoon from four-thirty onwards if you are, says the third.
Okay, he thinks. Let's give this a chance.
… …
When they were seventeen, there had been one little incident that passed out of their immediate memories with time. They had been so young and naïve then, still boys chasing each other on muddy football fields and shooting each other in arcade games and training themselves to sing for an hour without succumbing to hoarseness. Yunho and Junsu had been informed just a week or so ago that they would be debuting soon in a new boyband called Dong Bang Shin Ki. Hyukjae had cried a little on Sungmin's shoulder because they'd never imagined that they would be separated from Junsu permanently, but on the whole he'd seemed happy and supportive of DBSK's debut. His closest friends in SM were approaching the doorway to success; they were leaving the uncertainty of trainee-hood to test out the waters of the Outer World like they'd been dreaming about for so many years now.
Then the management dropped a bombshell – Yunho would have to break up with his girlfriend if he wanted to debut.
Everyone had plenty of negative things to say about that. They all liked Yunho's girlfriend. She was sweet and caring and friendly; she'd once bought Hyukjae a knitted turtleneck because his winter jacket had stuffing sticking out of his linings (his family had been in financial troubles then; Hyukjae didn't have the heart to ask his parents for the burden of a new winter jacket). Yunho was devastated, as expected. Donghae, always more deeply involved with his friends' problems than was healthy for him, had cried and argued and complained almost as much as Yunho. Hyukjae had borne both their unhappiness patiently for two weeks; at the end of it he finally suggested to Donghae that it wasn't as bad as all that; Yunho wanted to debut more than anything so it was a sacrifice he would have to make.
Donghae hadn't taken that well at all. "How can you say that?" he demanded. "That's the most cruel thing I've ever heard!"
"He won't even be able to see her once he debuts," Hyukjae reasoned. "They'll break up anyway, and it will be so much worse then, because they'll be arguing and it'll really distract him from his activities. It'll affect the group too, if he's so upset all the time. They won't be able to focus."
Donghae stared at him in disbelief. "So you're on the company's side?"
"I'm not on anyone's side!" Hyukjae protested. "I just think that it might be best for them if they do break up!"
"I didn't know you were so cold," Donghae said, and ignored him for a week.
Yunho had eventually broken up with his girlfriend as decreed and the group debuted without a hitch. Yunho got over his resentment and anger within a few months; he was too busy with the activities to spend too much time dwelling on what he'd lost, and certainly too busy to think of dating anyone. They stopped talking about the issue, and it took residence permanently at the back of Donghae's mind as one of the strange things that happen in life.
The following March, he and Hyukjae spent weeks constructing a hand-made photo sketchbook for his dad's upcoming birthday. They sketched all sorts of comic strips about their lives in the dorms and how much Donghae missed his dad when he was in Seoul, made several trips to the printers to get the copies of all the photos that Donghae wanted, bound fancy paper together with ribbons tied by stumbling fingers under Sora's strict guidance, wrote funny captions underneath the photos, and, as a finishing stroke, recorded a song that Donghae had composed and Hyukjae had contributed lyrics to in honour of the occasion and burned it onto a CD for his dad to listen to.
When all was ready for Donghae to give to his dad, Hyukjae said, "It's the best birthday present anyone can ever give."
Donghae thought of all the hours that Hyukjae had put into this little project, all the trips that he'd made uncomplainingly to the printers because Donghae couldn't decide which photos he wanted to use. He'd wondered then if he could ever understand Hyukjae's character fully; how could someone who insisted so much on practicality and realism, who believed that logic took precedence over emotion, who could suggest that it was better for his close friend to break up with his girlfriend before his debut, be the same person who'd spent so much time concocting all sorts of funny things that Donghae would never have thought of to include in the photo sketchbook for a man whom he was only slightly acquainted with?
"Thanks for all your help," he said.
Hyukjae grinned, wide and proud. "Your dad will love it," he said happily.
Oh god, Donghae thinks now, recalling the feelings of those-times – how is it that all these details remain so clear even after so many years? How many times had his dad looked through that old sketchbook before he died? – we'd barely even known what love was then, and yet I'd been so ridiculously in love with him.
… …
Hyukjae has booked a private room in a restaurant for them to have their talk in. Donghae initially feels that it's silly taking such precautions since a café will do just as well, then he remembers that their highly anticipated comeback is in exactly two and a half weeks' time and every movement they make now is monitored closely by the media and fans. For the first time since they started in this crazy show business, he feels truly suffocated; as though human walls are closing in on him, squeezing out any chance of a normal life or relationship, stamping out his shots at happiness. The members, the managers, the media, the fans – when will he be able to live for himself, to make decisions without having to consider how it may affect a thousand other people?
He looks across the table at Hyukjae, who's staring out of the window. Hyukjae had barely said a word on the way here; Donghae knows him well enough by now to tell that it's not because he's being cold or unfriendly, but rather that he's simply at a loss for words. It frightens him.
"What do you want to talk about?" he says. Gives Hyukjae the chance to lay open his case.
It takes a moment for Hyukjae to talk. Donghae thinks, if he lies to me, if he's dishonest, if he makes excuses – I'm walking out of here. I won't care about listening closely to him. No matter what he says, if he starts with a lie, I'll walk out of here.
But then Hyukjae says, "I think I should tell you that I'm with someone…sort of", and it's the kind of honesty you can't fight, the kind of bluntness that makes you listen. Donghae sits dumbly as Hyukjae goes on, "It's not much…really. I don't even know him all that well. He's a friend of Taekgun's…you remember Taekgun? I met him a month ago when Taekgun brought him to a dinner – we played pool a couple of times together…hit it off…and I don't know, I guess I was just so stressed with everything happening in the group, I needed someone who didn't know anything about what was going on. He didn't care about Suju or want to know about it, and…that was important to me. We went for a few drinks. Talked a bit." He pauses for a moment, his eyes fixed on the table. "I don't love him. Nothing like that. He's just someone to be with. A friend. But…I think you should know. It's your right, because – it's not fair, if I don't let you know, and…that night when we – it was all my fault. I couldn't…I wanted to do it, so badly, because I've missed you so much, but the thing is, I shouldn't have. I'm so sorry."
"You've slept with him," says Donghae.
Hyukjae flushes. "Yes," he says, and doesn't volunteer any additional information.
"Was it good?"
"Don't…"
"Was it?"
"It's just sex," says Hyukjae. "Nothing more than that. It's just sex, that's all."
"And I suppose that's what it's been with me too? Just sex?"
Hyukjae bites down on his lip so hard that it draws blood. "No. It doesn't compare with anything you and I have done. He's – it's not even a relationship, with him. He works in China – he's going back in a week's time – and we probably won't contact each other anymore."
Donghae can be cruel. He can prolong this agony. He can imagine questioning Hyukjae further, making him squirm and stutter and hate himself. He can tell Hyukjae that he'd faced the same temptation and refused to allow himself to succumb to it. He knows that he can make this into something Hyukjae will never forgive himself for.
But the unhappiness in Hyukjae's eyes restrains him. He's angry, hurt, betrayed in a weird sense – but something in him speaks louder than his need for revenge. Something that's partly the remembrance of everything that Hyukjae has gone through for him and never spoken much about – the overturning of his beliefs that must have keep him up more nights than Donghae knows, the trouble with his friends that he hasn't mentioned since that awful day in the practice room when he'd revealed the whole story, the trouble with his family that he has been dealing with by himself without complaint. And something that, more importantly, has to do with Hyukjae himself – the indefinable something that sets him apart from everyone else in Donghae's eyes – it could be his innate goodness or his little quirks or a hundred other unidentifiable things about him that Donghae can't pinpoint but can't help being weak for.
It all boils down to a fact as simple as this: he can't hurt Hyukjae, not in the way he wants.
He reaches over and tugs at Hyukjae's hand until Hyukjae gets the message and looks up at him. Then he asks, "Why did you do it with me?"
"I didn't think…at that moment, I was telling myself that I had to stop," Hyukjae says. "But you asked me not to push you away, and your eyes – I just – I couldn't help it. I missed it too much. I'm sorry."
Donghae takes a breath. "Don't ever do that to me again. Don't sleep with me if you're carrying on with someone else. I'm not your fuck-buddy."
Hyukjae nods silently.
He says a little wonderingly, "I've been a fool for you." Hyukjae bites down on his lip again, and Donghae clarifies, "I don't mean that's a bad thing. You're the first person I've ever loved. I know you've done a lot of things for me too. The thing is, even though we'd broken up, I kept thinking – somehow I just kept feeling that we still belonged to each other."
He pauses in case Hyukjae wants to talk but he doesn't, so he continues, "I was wrong about that. You're free from me, and this thing with the guy – it's your business."
"I don't want you to think that our relationship wasn't special to me," Hyukjae says. "It was - still is."
"Except we can't be together."
"No," Hyukjae agrees quietly.
They sit in silence for a while, until Donghae says with a little twisted smile, "Guess it needs more than just love and fresh air to keep a relationship going, huh?"
"Donghae," says Hyukjae, "I know we've never really talked about this before – even when we broke up, we kind of left a lot of things unsettled. I guess we both couldn't bear to let go…really let go, I mean. The fact is, ever since we were kids, we've practically been each other's one and only…you're the first person I fell in love with, too, and while it probably would have worked under different circumstances…we're still colleagues, with the group and a lot of work to be responsible for, and I know – I wish that we could just go away from all this and figure out how we work together without all these other factors messing things up, but as it is, we've got to face things as they are. Nothing about this situation is going to change – yet."
"What you're trying to say is that this is a good time for us to go our separate ways and find out if there are other people out there for us."
"Maybe…," Hyukjae begins.
Donghae cuts him off. "No more maybes, Hyuk. If we're doing this, we might as well do it all the way, with no maybes to think about."
"You're right," says Hyukjae. He sounds about as sad as Donghae has ever heard him, and for one moment – one intense, yearning moment, he wishes that they'd somehow made this thing work. How could it not have worked, when they'd both loved each other passionately and were willing to sacrifice so much in their belief that they belonged together? How could they have come to this point, sitting in this impersonal room discussing their relationship in such threadbare terms, after going through the discovery of love together? How had it happened – who had been the first one to step away, to put the distance between them?
But all those questions are impossible to answer. And as much as he wishes that they could've been a fairy-tale, he knows that there is no point in wishing reality away.
"So," he says. "This is it."
Neither of them can meet each other's eyes. Iron fingers are digging into his throat, but he tells himself that it's too soon to cry. Don't be weak. Don't make this anymore difficult than it already is. There'll be plenty of time for tears when you get home, but don't cry now when it'll only hurt you both more, weaken your resolve.
"Yes," says Hyukjae, so low that he has to strain to hear it.
That is how their relationship ends.
… …
The group makes the comeback with 'Miinah' on Music Bank two weeks later. They're keyed up to the highest point, determined to prove that ten men on stage can work just as well as thirteen, as twelve. Watching the video afterwards, Donghae is amazed at how the stage looks as full as it ever has; all of them are performing as though they have a statement to make.
May passes into June and then July. The days get even hotter. 'Miinah' does better in the charts than they'd hoped for, though it doesn't match even half the success of Sorry Sorry. But more and more fan letters and gifts are pouring in from all corners of the globe – sometimes Jungsu reads the names of the countries aloud, at random, for them to be impressed and flattered by – places like South Africa, Chile, Germany, France, Russia, the United States – and Ryeowook wonders aloud what they've done to deserve such love and support.
"Don't wonder," says Junghoon. "The important thing is to maintain that love and support."
The group whittles down to nine when Heechul enlists. It's like losing the backbone of Super Junior's personality. Jungsu, Shindong and Hyukjae start disappearing from the dorms even more frequently to take on more variety roles; Sungmin starts getting busy with his musical work; Ryeowook, Jongwoon and Kyuhyun start recording more OSTs; Siwon and Donghae are informed that the company is in talks to star them in an upcoming Taiwanese drama. He barely sees Hyukjae for more than two hours at a time in the busy periods of August and September. Perhaps the absence starts to heal the wounds a little. He stops thinking constantly about Hyukjae's mysterious 'other guy' (whom he guesses has gone back to China and no longer has any part to play in this little picture). One morning he even finds himself laughing without that niggling feeling of emptiness.
Towards the end of September, he starts hanging out with Siwon's church friends. They're by and large a happy, cheerful group, always planning fun outings and hosting parties at each other's houses, not at all star-struck by the thought that two Super Junior members are in their midst (actually, as most of them are fairly well-to-do, they're more than used to being around famous people). Siwon reveals under strict confidence that he's dating Sooyoung, and doesn't want even the management to know. He points out that they'll be hounded about what they should or should not do if the management finds out that they're dating, and Donghae can't find the conviction to disagree. He doesn't mind it, anyway – Sooyoung is fun to be around, and her humour matches Siwon's perfectly. Donghae begins to enjoy being around the both of them, and they hang out at friends' places, go for high teas together in Siwon's exclusive, premium, only-for-the-super-rich country clubs. Sometimes they play badminton, and Siwon usually finds a date for Donghae out of a trio of good-looking, clever, rich young men who are all equally pleasant to be with and equally indistinguishable from each other. Donghae doesn't mind that either; it's quite flattering, if he's to be honest, to know that he's desired by these social elite even if he's not personally interested in any of them.
One of his dates introduces him to the boys from One Way, and so opens the door to the most fun and enlightening times that Donghae has yet had in the musical line. Peter, Youngsky and Chance are hilarious, gifted, open to new ideas, adventurous in their music styles, and they spend days jamming together, listening to all sorts of old records, talking about songs that they want to compose. Peter promises that they'll write him a song that will "make your fans jump up onto their seats".
Chance likes to explore the city, claiming that it jumpstarts his creative juices, so Donghae joins him in his weekly car rides around Seoul. He looks at an ahjumma sitting over her spread of fresh fruits; at the mechanics servicing cars in tiny shops; at children playing in a school yard. Schoolboys playing basketball. Girls gossiping and flirting with boys in quiet cafés. College students walking to class with books on their arms and headphones in their ears. Office ladies wandering in search of their lunch fixes with wallets held carelessly in their hands. He feels himself realigning with the real world, with the cares and troubles and laughter and ordinary everyday doings lingering just beyond the entertainment industry's blinders.
"Ain't that bad to be ordinary," Chance says wisely, "even though we all have our eyes set on the prize, hm?"
… ...
If he still wakes up now and then in the middle of the night with tears on his cheeks and fists gripping the blanket – if what he remembers dreaming about is someone else's hands on Hyukjae, touching him, entering him, kissing him in intimate areas that Donghae had once considered his exclusive property (and it hurts so badly, it still hurts, it'll hurt for a long time yet), he doesn't acknowledge it to anyone, not even himself.
He tells himself, instead, that even a hurt like this will pass with time. That one day he'll realise that it no longer aches. One day he'll look around without expecting to see Hyukjae beside him.
He doesn't acknowledge, either, the shell forming around the part of his heart that had once believed in the power of love to overturn anything in its way.
… …
In the cooling days of mid-October, Donghae finally starts seeing someone else.
previous: part nine (i); a falling | next: part ten (i); a support
---
I'm beginning to sense the end of this mammoth verse. Estimating another three or four parts to go...! Also, it has hit 80,000 words, how ridiculous is that?
catskilteunhyuk/donghae
pg; 4,311 words; multi-chapter
there was a lifetime in each other, if they chose to see it.
part zero; a moment | part one; a past | part two; a denial | part three; a growing up | part four; a togetherness | part five; a separation | part six; a confession | part seven; a quarrel | part eight; a break up | part nine; a falling
He gets through the rest of the day in a sort of daze. His first instinct had been to rush down to the 11th floor immediately to confront Hyukjae about it, but the dorm had been empty save for Sungmin working on his laptop in the dining room. It had been so tempting to ask Sungmin if he knew anything – after all, if there was anyone in the group who would know what Hyukjae was up to in his spare hours, it would be Sungmin – but he couldn't pluck up the courage to do it. It would have been a show of too much neediness, probably even obsessiveness, if he had asked – he couldn't do it. So he'd gone away without saying an extra word.
Both Jungsu and Hyukjae are out all day. When Donghae asks when they'll be back, Seunghwan says that they're rushing up on filming two episodes of Star King instead of one because of Kang Hodong's overseas schedule, so there won't be any hope of catching them before midnight. "Anyway, why do you want to see him so badly?" Seunghwan asks curiously. "Didn't you two get back really late last night?"
"I want to discuss something about the choreography," Donghae says flatly.
"You can text him if anything, you know," Seunghwan points out, and Donghae nods for the sake of agreeing; there's no way he can explain to Seunghwan just why it's impossible to text Hyukjae about this situation. What would he even write? Why did you have lube in your backpack? or perhaps, Who are you fucking?, or even, How could you have been such an asshole to me?
He wants to hurl all kinds of words at Hyukjae; the dirtiest words he can think of, the filthy ones dripping with anger, nothing sweet or tender, just strong and pungent words that can give voice to the amount of anger and hurt he feels. Korean isn't enough. He needs the obscenities and ferocities of more languages; the guttural tones of Japanese, the unapologetic expressiveness of the Chinese dialects, the harshness of English. He needs words that scald and skin and cut. He wants to go into Hyukjae's room and dig out any evidence of somebody else and rip it apart into shreds.
But because he's an idol, a role model or, as the company always says, a professional, he goes to the dance studio with Ryeowook, Jongwoon and Heechul instead and runs through choreography practice with them like dancing still matters something.
As the day wears away so does his anger, giving up pieces of itself to resignation, bit by bit until he finds himself sobbing in his bed at the end of that horrible day, remembering that they have already broken up, that they no longer bear any responsibility to each other. He remembers that Hyukjae hasn't bound them by any expressions of love since they first broke up; remembers that Hyukjae had tried to stop him last night. That he'd been the one, that he is always the one, blinded by his hope and foolish confidence that so much love has to be reciprocated, that he should remain by Hyukjae's side regardless of whether he's wanted there or not.
"Why am I so stupid?" he asks aloud when Jungsu comes tiptoeing into their room around the neighbourhood of two a.m. "When will I ever stop being so stupid?"
Jungsu stops any attempt at noiselessness and flicks on the light switch. "What happened now?" he asks tiredly with a tone in his voice betraying that, willing as he might be to stay up and walk Donghae through his problems, what he truly wants to do is crawl into bed and sleep. The light pierces through the ache in Donghae's head.
"I will never love anyone again," he says.
Jungsu turns away from him to dump his bag onto the floor. "Don't be so final about everything. Life isn't always in black and white."
"Fuck that," says Donghae.
Jungsu sighs. "Is this why Hyukjae was so difficult to deal with today? God, I'm about to give up on you two, I spend the whole day nursing Hyukjae and then I come back and find you like this. You have to work this out with each other, Donghae, it can't be like this all the time, you're gonna drive me mad, I swear. I thought you two had finally come to your senses last year when you were all friendly again but nope, obviously you're still crazy."
Donghae keeps quiet then, more out of the necessity to stop himself from breaking down again than for any other reason. Jungsu takes a long look at his face and groans. "Look," he says. "Just have a good talk, okay? Listen closely and don't interrupt each other when you're talking and don't say you understand unless you truly do. Can you do that before you drive each other insane…and for the sake of the group?"
It's on the tip of his tongue to question why should it be for the sake of the group, why can't it be for my sake, why can't I consider this relationship in the context of Hyukjae and myself as individuals, but he knows it's pointless to vent anything on Jungsu. "Yeah."
"Good," says Jungsu. "Now go to sleep. Nobody thinks properly when they're sleep-deprived."
"I need sleeping pills."
Jungsu sighs, reaches into his dresser and pulls out a little bottle. "Just this once."
Donghae takes the proffered bottle and looks up at Jungsu's drawn face. "What do you really want for Hyukjae and me?"
He expects Jungsu to say something touching, but from the way Jungsu flops onto his bed, it's evident that it's far too late for sentimentality. "I want you to fix things before all of us hurl kitchen pots at you both," he says, and falls asleep the minute his head hits the pillow.
… …
Donghae wakes up in the morning to a succession of texts from Hyukjae.
Can we meet? I need to talk to you, says the first one.
It's important, says the second.
I'll be free this afternoon from four-thirty onwards if you are, says the third.
Okay, he thinks. Let's give this a chance.
… …
When they were seventeen, there had been one little incident that passed out of their immediate memories with time. They had been so young and naïve then, still boys chasing each other on muddy football fields and shooting each other in arcade games and training themselves to sing for an hour without succumbing to hoarseness. Yunho and Junsu had been informed just a week or so ago that they would be debuting soon in a new boyband called Dong Bang Shin Ki. Hyukjae had cried a little on Sungmin's shoulder because they'd never imagined that they would be separated from Junsu permanently, but on the whole he'd seemed happy and supportive of DBSK's debut. His closest friends in SM were approaching the doorway to success; they were leaving the uncertainty of trainee-hood to test out the waters of the Outer World like they'd been dreaming about for so many years now.
Then the management dropped a bombshell – Yunho would have to break up with his girlfriend if he wanted to debut.
Everyone had plenty of negative things to say about that. They all liked Yunho's girlfriend. She was sweet and caring and friendly; she'd once bought Hyukjae a knitted turtleneck because his winter jacket had stuffing sticking out of his linings (his family had been in financial troubles then; Hyukjae didn't have the heart to ask his parents for the burden of a new winter jacket). Yunho was devastated, as expected. Donghae, always more deeply involved with his friends' problems than was healthy for him, had cried and argued and complained almost as much as Yunho. Hyukjae had borne both their unhappiness patiently for two weeks; at the end of it he finally suggested to Donghae that it wasn't as bad as all that; Yunho wanted to debut more than anything so it was a sacrifice he would have to make.
Donghae hadn't taken that well at all. "How can you say that?" he demanded. "That's the most cruel thing I've ever heard!"
"He won't even be able to see her once he debuts," Hyukjae reasoned. "They'll break up anyway, and it will be so much worse then, because they'll be arguing and it'll really distract him from his activities. It'll affect the group too, if he's so upset all the time. They won't be able to focus."
Donghae stared at him in disbelief. "So you're on the company's side?"
"I'm not on anyone's side!" Hyukjae protested. "I just think that it might be best for them if they do break up!"
"I didn't know you were so cold," Donghae said, and ignored him for a week.
Yunho had eventually broken up with his girlfriend as decreed and the group debuted without a hitch. Yunho got over his resentment and anger within a few months; he was too busy with the activities to spend too much time dwelling on what he'd lost, and certainly too busy to think of dating anyone. They stopped talking about the issue, and it took residence permanently at the back of Donghae's mind as one of the strange things that happen in life.
The following March, he and Hyukjae spent weeks constructing a hand-made photo sketchbook for his dad's upcoming birthday. They sketched all sorts of comic strips about their lives in the dorms and how much Donghae missed his dad when he was in Seoul, made several trips to the printers to get the copies of all the photos that Donghae wanted, bound fancy paper together with ribbons tied by stumbling fingers under Sora's strict guidance, wrote funny captions underneath the photos, and, as a finishing stroke, recorded a song that Donghae had composed and Hyukjae had contributed lyrics to in honour of the occasion and burned it onto a CD for his dad to listen to.
When all was ready for Donghae to give to his dad, Hyukjae said, "It's the best birthday present anyone can ever give."
Donghae thought of all the hours that Hyukjae had put into this little project, all the trips that he'd made uncomplainingly to the printers because Donghae couldn't decide which photos he wanted to use. He'd wondered then if he could ever understand Hyukjae's character fully; how could someone who insisted so much on practicality and realism, who believed that logic took precedence over emotion, who could suggest that it was better for his close friend to break up with his girlfriend before his debut, be the same person who'd spent so much time concocting all sorts of funny things that Donghae would never have thought of to include in the photo sketchbook for a man whom he was only slightly acquainted with?
"Thanks for all your help," he said.
Hyukjae grinned, wide and proud. "Your dad will love it," he said happily.
Oh god, Donghae thinks now, recalling the feelings of those-times – how is it that all these details remain so clear even after so many years? How many times had his dad looked through that old sketchbook before he died? – we'd barely even known what love was then, and yet I'd been so ridiculously in love with him.
… …
Hyukjae has booked a private room in a restaurant for them to have their talk in. Donghae initially feels that it's silly taking such precautions since a café will do just as well, then he remembers that their highly anticipated comeback is in exactly two and a half weeks' time and every movement they make now is monitored closely by the media and fans. For the first time since they started in this crazy show business, he feels truly suffocated; as though human walls are closing in on him, squeezing out any chance of a normal life or relationship, stamping out his shots at happiness. The members, the managers, the media, the fans – when will he be able to live for himself, to make decisions without having to consider how it may affect a thousand other people?
He looks across the table at Hyukjae, who's staring out of the window. Hyukjae had barely said a word on the way here; Donghae knows him well enough by now to tell that it's not because he's being cold or unfriendly, but rather that he's simply at a loss for words. It frightens him.
"What do you want to talk about?" he says. Gives Hyukjae the chance to lay open his case.
It takes a moment for Hyukjae to talk. Donghae thinks, if he lies to me, if he's dishonest, if he makes excuses – I'm walking out of here. I won't care about listening closely to him. No matter what he says, if he starts with a lie, I'll walk out of here.
But then Hyukjae says, "I think I should tell you that I'm with someone…sort of", and it's the kind of honesty you can't fight, the kind of bluntness that makes you listen. Donghae sits dumbly as Hyukjae goes on, "It's not much…really. I don't even know him all that well. He's a friend of Taekgun's…you remember Taekgun? I met him a month ago when Taekgun brought him to a dinner – we played pool a couple of times together…hit it off…and I don't know, I guess I was just so stressed with everything happening in the group, I needed someone who didn't know anything about what was going on. He didn't care about Suju or want to know about it, and…that was important to me. We went for a few drinks. Talked a bit." He pauses for a moment, his eyes fixed on the table. "I don't love him. Nothing like that. He's just someone to be with. A friend. But…I think you should know. It's your right, because – it's not fair, if I don't let you know, and…that night when we – it was all my fault. I couldn't…I wanted to do it, so badly, because I've missed you so much, but the thing is, I shouldn't have. I'm so sorry."
"You've slept with him," says Donghae.
Hyukjae flushes. "Yes," he says, and doesn't volunteer any additional information.
"Was it good?"
"Don't…"
"Was it?"
"It's just sex," says Hyukjae. "Nothing more than that. It's just sex, that's all."
"And I suppose that's what it's been with me too? Just sex?"
Hyukjae bites down on his lip so hard that it draws blood. "No. It doesn't compare with anything you and I have done. He's – it's not even a relationship, with him. He works in China – he's going back in a week's time – and we probably won't contact each other anymore."
Donghae can be cruel. He can prolong this agony. He can imagine questioning Hyukjae further, making him squirm and stutter and hate himself. He can tell Hyukjae that he'd faced the same temptation and refused to allow himself to succumb to it. He knows that he can make this into something Hyukjae will never forgive himself for.
But the unhappiness in Hyukjae's eyes restrains him. He's angry, hurt, betrayed in a weird sense – but something in him speaks louder than his need for revenge. Something that's partly the remembrance of everything that Hyukjae has gone through for him and never spoken much about – the overturning of his beliefs that must have keep him up more nights than Donghae knows, the trouble with his friends that he hasn't mentioned since that awful day in the practice room when he'd revealed the whole story, the trouble with his family that he has been dealing with by himself without complaint. And something that, more importantly, has to do with Hyukjae himself – the indefinable something that sets him apart from everyone else in Donghae's eyes – it could be his innate goodness or his little quirks or a hundred other unidentifiable things about him that Donghae can't pinpoint but can't help being weak for.
It all boils down to a fact as simple as this: he can't hurt Hyukjae, not in the way he wants.
He reaches over and tugs at Hyukjae's hand until Hyukjae gets the message and looks up at him. Then he asks, "Why did you do it with me?"
"I didn't think…at that moment, I was telling myself that I had to stop," Hyukjae says. "But you asked me not to push you away, and your eyes – I just – I couldn't help it. I missed it too much. I'm sorry."
Donghae takes a breath. "Don't ever do that to me again. Don't sleep with me if you're carrying on with someone else. I'm not your fuck-buddy."
Hyukjae nods silently.
He says a little wonderingly, "I've been a fool for you." Hyukjae bites down on his lip again, and Donghae clarifies, "I don't mean that's a bad thing. You're the first person I've ever loved. I know you've done a lot of things for me too. The thing is, even though we'd broken up, I kept thinking – somehow I just kept feeling that we still belonged to each other."
He pauses in case Hyukjae wants to talk but he doesn't, so he continues, "I was wrong about that. You're free from me, and this thing with the guy – it's your business."
"I don't want you to think that our relationship wasn't special to me," Hyukjae says. "It was - still is."
"Except we can't be together."
"No," Hyukjae agrees quietly.
They sit in silence for a while, until Donghae says with a little twisted smile, "Guess it needs more than just love and fresh air to keep a relationship going, huh?"
"Donghae," says Hyukjae, "I know we've never really talked about this before – even when we broke up, we kind of left a lot of things unsettled. I guess we both couldn't bear to let go…really let go, I mean. The fact is, ever since we were kids, we've practically been each other's one and only…you're the first person I fell in love with, too, and while it probably would have worked under different circumstances…we're still colleagues, with the group and a lot of work to be responsible for, and I know – I wish that we could just go away from all this and figure out how we work together without all these other factors messing things up, but as it is, we've got to face things as they are. Nothing about this situation is going to change – yet."
"What you're trying to say is that this is a good time for us to go our separate ways and find out if there are other people out there for us."
"Maybe…," Hyukjae begins.
Donghae cuts him off. "No more maybes, Hyuk. If we're doing this, we might as well do it all the way, with no maybes to think about."
"You're right," says Hyukjae. He sounds about as sad as Donghae has ever heard him, and for one moment – one intense, yearning moment, he wishes that they'd somehow made this thing work. How could it not have worked, when they'd both loved each other passionately and were willing to sacrifice so much in their belief that they belonged together? How could they have come to this point, sitting in this impersonal room discussing their relationship in such threadbare terms, after going through the discovery of love together? How had it happened – who had been the first one to step away, to put the distance between them?
But all those questions are impossible to answer. And as much as he wishes that they could've been a fairy-tale, he knows that there is no point in wishing reality away.
"So," he says. "This is it."
Neither of them can meet each other's eyes. Iron fingers are digging into his throat, but he tells himself that it's too soon to cry. Don't be weak. Don't make this anymore difficult than it already is. There'll be plenty of time for tears when you get home, but don't cry now when it'll only hurt you both more, weaken your resolve.
"Yes," says Hyukjae, so low that he has to strain to hear it.
That is how their relationship ends.
… …
The group makes the comeback with 'Miinah' on Music Bank two weeks later. They're keyed up to the highest point, determined to prove that ten men on stage can work just as well as thirteen, as twelve. Watching the video afterwards, Donghae is amazed at how the stage looks as full as it ever has; all of them are performing as though they have a statement to make.
May passes into June and then July. The days get even hotter. 'Miinah' does better in the charts than they'd hoped for, though it doesn't match even half the success of Sorry Sorry. But more and more fan letters and gifts are pouring in from all corners of the globe – sometimes Jungsu reads the names of the countries aloud, at random, for them to be impressed and flattered by – places like South Africa, Chile, Germany, France, Russia, the United States – and Ryeowook wonders aloud what they've done to deserve such love and support.
"Don't wonder," says Junghoon. "The important thing is to maintain that love and support."
The group whittles down to nine when Heechul enlists. It's like losing the backbone of Super Junior's personality. Jungsu, Shindong and Hyukjae start disappearing from the dorms even more frequently to take on more variety roles; Sungmin starts getting busy with his musical work; Ryeowook, Jongwoon and Kyuhyun start recording more OSTs; Siwon and Donghae are informed that the company is in talks to star them in an upcoming Taiwanese drama. He barely sees Hyukjae for more than two hours at a time in the busy periods of August and September. Perhaps the absence starts to heal the wounds a little. He stops thinking constantly about Hyukjae's mysterious 'other guy' (whom he guesses has gone back to China and no longer has any part to play in this little picture). One morning he even finds himself laughing without that niggling feeling of emptiness.
Towards the end of September, he starts hanging out with Siwon's church friends. They're by and large a happy, cheerful group, always planning fun outings and hosting parties at each other's houses, not at all star-struck by the thought that two Super Junior members are in their midst (actually, as most of them are fairly well-to-do, they're more than used to being around famous people). Siwon reveals under strict confidence that he's dating Sooyoung, and doesn't want even the management to know. He points out that they'll be hounded about what they should or should not do if the management finds out that they're dating, and Donghae can't find the conviction to disagree. He doesn't mind it, anyway – Sooyoung is fun to be around, and her humour matches Siwon's perfectly. Donghae begins to enjoy being around the both of them, and they hang out at friends' places, go for high teas together in Siwon's exclusive, premium, only-for-the-super-rich country clubs. Sometimes they play badminton, and Siwon usually finds a date for Donghae out of a trio of good-looking, clever, rich young men who are all equally pleasant to be with and equally indistinguishable from each other. Donghae doesn't mind that either; it's quite flattering, if he's to be honest, to know that he's desired by these social elite even if he's not personally interested in any of them.
One of his dates introduces him to the boys from One Way, and so opens the door to the most fun and enlightening times that Donghae has yet had in the musical line. Peter, Youngsky and Chance are hilarious, gifted, open to new ideas, adventurous in their music styles, and they spend days jamming together, listening to all sorts of old records, talking about songs that they want to compose. Peter promises that they'll write him a song that will "make your fans jump up onto their seats".
Chance likes to explore the city, claiming that it jumpstarts his creative juices, so Donghae joins him in his weekly car rides around Seoul. He looks at an ahjumma sitting over her spread of fresh fruits; at the mechanics servicing cars in tiny shops; at children playing in a school yard. Schoolboys playing basketball. Girls gossiping and flirting with boys in quiet cafés. College students walking to class with books on their arms and headphones in their ears. Office ladies wandering in search of their lunch fixes with wallets held carelessly in their hands. He feels himself realigning with the real world, with the cares and troubles and laughter and ordinary everyday doings lingering just beyond the entertainment industry's blinders.
"Ain't that bad to be ordinary," Chance says wisely, "even though we all have our eyes set on the prize, hm?"
… ...
If he still wakes up now and then in the middle of the night with tears on his cheeks and fists gripping the blanket – if what he remembers dreaming about is someone else's hands on Hyukjae, touching him, entering him, kissing him in intimate areas that Donghae had once considered his exclusive property (and it hurts so badly, it still hurts, it'll hurt for a long time yet), he doesn't acknowledge it to anyone, not even himself.
He tells himself, instead, that even a hurt like this will pass with time. That one day he'll realise that it no longer aches. One day he'll look around without expecting to see Hyukjae beside him.
He doesn't acknowledge, either, the shell forming around the part of his heart that had once believed in the power of love to overturn anything in its way.
… …
In the cooling days of mid-October, Donghae finally starts seeing someone else.
previous: part nine (i); a falling | next: part ten (i); a support
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I'm beginning to sense the end of this mammoth verse. Estimating another three or four parts to go...! Also, it has hit 80,000 words, how ridiculous is that?
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