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Running Blind With Eyes Wide Open by
catskilt
eunhyuk/donghae
nc-17; 4,796 words; multi-chapter
there was a lifetime in each other, if they chose to see it.
part zero; a moment | part one; a past | part two; a denial | part three; a growing up | part four; a togetherness | part five; a separation | part six; a confession | part seven; a quarrel | part eight; a break up
part eight (ii); a break-up
Beijing is even more bewildering before, or perhaps it's the state of his mind. Did the people speak so loudly the last time? Did the food seem so oily? Was the traffic as crowded and frightening; were the skies as smoggy? He knows a little more of the city now and, thanks to the daily Chinese classes and endless vocabulary lists, a little more Mandarin, but not enough for the managers to trust him with venturing out alone without getting chased down by eager Chinese fans. "You're like my jailer," he complains to Bin, their new Chinese manager who speaks fluent Korean.
"You can go out with me anytime you wish," Bin says, which is true.
"You're never free to go out with," Donghae says, which is equally true. The company is putting tremendous pressure on the managers to work on SJ-M's 'China invasion'; they aren't making as much revenue as they should be, the Chinese market's buying habits seem to be unpredictable and volatile, the group's lack of Mandarin fluency isn't opening up as many opportunities in variety as they were hoping for, and so Chinese classes have increased from one hour daily to two, and the managers are either on the phone constantly or travelling from meeting to meeting.
Ryeowook breaks down on the telephone to Jungsu one night, telling him how tired he is of all the stress and relentless pressure. This isn't how he wants to live his life, he says. He's twenty-three years old, and he should be living it up, doing all the wild crazy things that one can only do in one's twenties. He doesn't want to do this anymore. He wants out.
Jungsu reminds them that they're professionals. Everyone misses the flicker in Hankyung's eyes.
But they are professionals after all, they've been training for this sort of pressure ever since they were kids. Ryeowook's outburst only happens once. Hankyung goes about his work with a mechanical sort of precision that, in hindsight, should have been a forewarning that something wasn't quite right. But they're busy and overworked, and nobody is thinking beyond the immediate future of the next schedule, the next Chinese class, the next performance. Donghae doesn't call back to Seoul. He spends most of his free time with Siwon instead, because Siwon has a naturally cheerful and happy disposition, and optimism is what Donghae needs most at this point. They draw close through the many endless hours on the road, chatting lazily about topics that Donghae can't remember once the conversation is over; maybe it had to do with businesses and investment, maybe it was about God, maybe about the latest movies by Siwon's big-time celebrity friends. Siwon is comforting and safe, a steady presence in Donghae's life that can be relied on at all times, and they stick together so much that Kyuhyun remarks, "out with the EunHae, in with the SiHae."
"What has happened with you and Hyukjae?" Siwon asks once, when they're both sleepy enough to be tactless and confidential; "Haven't the two of you made up yet?"
"We're fine," Donghae says.
Siwon peers at him over the rim of his cup. "You know," he says, "I've been wondering, but I didn't know if I should ask…um, are you and Hyukjae…together? As in…like, a couple?"
"No," says Donghae.
Siwon's eyebrows scrunch together. "But…"
"Not anymore," Donghae clarifies. "We were together for a while. It's over now."
"Ah," says Siwon. "I was wondering, cause, you know…but I didn't like to ask in case…"
"That's good for you, isn't it?" Donghae says. "You don't have to worry about disapproving."
Siwon looks shocked. "I would never…I mean…I don't think it's right but I would never…"
"It's okay," Donghae says, and knocks their cups together. "It's not necessary to talk about it."
Siwon worries his lip. "Are you okay?"
Donghae shrugs. "I guess."
He gets through each day because he can. If there's a part of him that desperately misses Hyukjae, insists on dreaming of him almost every night, yearns to pick up the phone and dial back to Seoul, he tries not to acknowledge it. Other couples have been through worse break-ups. Maybe one day he and Hyukjae will look back on their relationship as just a phase of growing up, something crucial that they needed for self-discovery. Maybe they will even be able to laugh over it together; remember how idealistic we were back then, thinking that we would be the first, the last, and the everything?
Beijing becomes synonymous with that feeling.
… …
Ping Ya brings them out to a club on the one free night that they have in all their time in China. Kyuhyun and Siwon decline, saying that they're too tired and would rather spend the little free time they have catching up with their beds, but everyone else is delighted at the prospect of some fresh air. "I haven't been to a club since I left fucking Toronto," Henry says. "I'm beginning to feel like a caged animal."
The club management has reserved a special VIP section for them that's watched over by security, and for the first time since they landed at the Beijing airport, Donghae feels free. Fuck the paparazzi, fuck SM, fuck schedules and work – tonight they're going to enjoy being ordinary. They're going to get drunk and throw up and say ridiculous things and dance without choreographed steps like other people, and pretend that they have the privilege of normalcy. Bring on the vodka, Zhou Mi says, and the whisky, and the rum, and the tequila...!
It takes about half an hour of shots and glasses and one rambunctious round of the Circle of Death for Donghae's world to change from grim and grey to dazzling and funny. How could he ever have been sad or lonely? The world is awesome. Look at all those people having fun on the dance floor. Look at the amount of good-looking, well-dressed guys walking around. Look at his friends, his true friends and colleagues, all laughing together even though half of them speak Chinese and the other half speak Korean. They're wonderful, the best people in the universe. Who needs love when you have friends like these? He shouts it into Ryeowook's ear so Ryeowook will know the loving feelings running through Donghae.
"Yes," Ryeowook shouts back. "So don't be sad anymore, okay? Tonight we party!"
"Okay," Donghae yells, and promptly falls into someone's lap.
Yet another half hour later, Henry and Ping Ya are jumping around haphazardly on the dance floor and Hankyung is talking in Chinese to Bin. He's crying, in fact; and here Donghae blinks his eyes several times because he has never seen Hankyung cry like this before, not even in the bad days when he'd been facing trouble with his work visa and had to wear a mask during their televised performances. Shit. What could be making Hankyung cry like that? He's home in China, he's part of a group that has won so many music awards that they use them as paperweights. He should be on top of the world. In fact, they all are, they're fantastic, they're making headlines. Donghae forgets his worries the moment he looks away from Hankyung and sees Ping Ya's friend grinning at him. What was his name again? Ming? That famous basketballer. No, the other half of Ming. Yao. Right, Yao. Strange how these Chinese people have one-syllable names. Yao, tall and muscular and astonishingly beautiful in a distinctly non-Chinese way; Donghae remembers that Ping Ya had implied Yao getting plastic surgery in Korea before. He looks like an Asian version of Brad Pitt. He could melt hearts. Donghae feels the first stirrings of arousal since the last morning he'd woken up in bed beside –
"Yao," he shouts.
Yao shouts something back, but it's in Chinese. Donghae strains his ears. He knows Chinese, studies it every day. But colloquial Chinese sounds nothing like what he learns from the whiteboard and textbooks. Doesn't follow the Korean spelling that he painstakingly jots beside characters, nor sound like it uses any of the grammatical rules that they repeat after their teacher. But it's two a.m., and he's drunk on whisky. There are other ways of communication besides the banal tool of language.
"Let's dance," he shouts at Yao.
When I first kissed you, it felt like everything in my life had been leading up to that point. It was you and I thought that there was so much sense in kissing, that we should do it forever, and he's kissing Yao, and Yao is kissing back, and it feels like nothing and everything that a kiss should be. He's dizzy, breathless, and it tastes of alcohol, and Yao is drawing back to mouth along his jaw, and it feels so goddamned good, so familiar and passionate, all that he's been missing.
Maybe this is why people hop into bed with strangers. It's not about being desperate or immoral; it's to fulfil a basic human need without all the complications of emotional involvement; the yelling, the fighting, the hurtful words, the inevitable separation, the misunderstanding, the break-up – how that latte had burned to the roof of his mouth, how he tastes it even now, in this moment of feeling Yao's kisses on his face. Focus. This is love in its purest, simplest form without the messiness of emotion. This is the drawing together of two people who can give each other what they need – just exactly what they need, nothing more or less. Focus, Donghae. There's a man who wants you, and he's beautiful and desirable and absolutely nobody to you; how many people can claim to have this privilege? And if he's to be honest, he does want Yao, does think he could fuck this man, draw his legs up and push into him and watch that sinful mouth fall open –
His head is fuzzy. Yao brings up two shots of something; they down it in seconds and laugh at the ensuing burn in their bodies. Donghae blinks his eyes and stands up and the music is pounding and they're dancing, hip against hip. It feels good not to have to worry about whether he's following the choreography, where he's supposed to be at a given time, or how high his arm has to go for it to look good; and when we danced to La Vie En Rose and you bumped your knee against the bed and laughed with all your gums showing, I thought that we didn't have to go to Paris, we didn't have to go anywhere, we could just stay here and be happy.
Yao is tonguing his ear, hands moving slowly but surely towards his crotch, and Donghae thinks with a sudden shudder, this is the start of what I'm going to be. It'll be him first, and another later, and another after that, and all the anothers until I've lost the sense of what it once was, how it's supposed to be. I'll lose – and here he pauses, because his head is working way too slowly to keep up with his brain, and takes stock of the situation; Yao's hands on his hips, alcohol spilled on his shirt, Yao's deodorant rubbing off on his skin. It could be so easy. It is so easy. Another half an hour – no, another ten minutes, and they could be grinding up against a wall. They could. It would mean nothing – just sex between two men who don't really know each other and probably won't meet again after tonight.
I'll lose him, he thinks. Not only him, but the sense of him, how it felt to share this with him. If I fall into this – if I succumb to this lifestyle…it could be so easy, but –
"No," he says aloud, suddenly.
Yao hesitates, startled, and Donghae frees himself.
"I'm sorry," he says in Korean, and then in halting Chinese, "I love him too much."
He isn't sure if Yao understands, after all his Chinese sounds nothing like what Chinese should be, but he doesn't wait around to ensure that he has made his point. He finds Ping Ya, still working off his alcoholic haze on the floor, and asks to be taken home. Ping Ya takes one close look at his face and doesn't question, for which piece of tactfulness Donghae is eternally grateful. He finds Ryeowook – now holding a still-sobbing Hankyung in his arms – to tell him that he's going home.
"Do you want me to go with you?" Ryeowook asks.
"Looks like he needs you more," Donghae says, gesturing at Hankyung, who's talking on in Chinese and doesn't seem to realise that Ryeowook doesn't understand him and Bin has long since left to join Henry on the dance floor. Or maybe Hankyung does know. Maybe some things can only be said when nobody around understands what you're saying.
He goes home in a cab with Ping Ya's arm resting comfortingly around his shoulder. Thank god for friends like these. Thank god, he thinks in a moment of vivid clarity, for how much he loves Hyukjae.
… …
The smoggy summer heat gives way to the coolness of fall. 'Super Girl' is lighting up the charts in all the Chinese communities around the world. SM talks of planning an Asia concert tour in China, Taiwan and Hong Kong and maybe, Seunghwan says, maybe even in Malaysia and the Philippines. There seems to be enough demand. There are a couple of event organisers that are very, very keen. We could do this. We could bring you guys there. It'll be bigger than anything we've done before.
They go back to Seoul for a short break. It's beyond good being back in Korea; Donghae realises anew the meaning of being at home. He walks past young people barbequing meat along the roadside and colourful street stalls selling food that he knows all the names of, past brightly lit skincare shops and the seemingly ubiquitious Aritaum outlets, the small cafes and the chain bakeries, and feels a deep sense of renewal and recharge, a washing off of Beijing's loneliness and despair. He takes a day off to travel back to Mokpo and place flowers at his father's grave; the flowers that he'd brought on his last visit with Hyukjae have been removed. The air is as sweet and salty as ever, the breezes as mild, ruffling the hillside grass. The sea lies purple and shining in the distance. It's good beyond description to be back in this quiet place where life and death lie intermingled, where remembrance has gone past the place of grief. It's a place where thoughts can be clear and coherent, filled in instead of sketched. And so he sits by the grave and looks over the sea and sets his mind free, lets himself remember the joy of being here with Hyukjae without embittering the memory with sadness and anger.
I will be true to who I am, he thinks. If I am to love and honour only one person, I will love and honour only one person. I made a vow once that I will always be by his side, as simply and surely as his right hand. If I am to be a friend, I will be a friend, with all my heart.
… …
Slowly, they begin to smile at each other again. They've been friends for over ten years, have been through anonymity and success together, and some ties are simply too strong to be broken. Donghae knows that Hyukjae still loves him, knows it without needing any spoken confirmation because this is Hyukjae and there isn't any need of tangible evidence to tell him that Hyukjae loves him as deeply and unconditionally as he ever has. Hyukjae doesn't flinch away the first time post-break-up that Donghae puts out a hand to touch his, doesn't refuse the first time Donghae pulls him out of the dorm for late night grocery shopping. They still laugh at the same jokes, still watch the same shows, still listen to the same music and read the same books and find the same topics fascinating, and it seems that they'll be okay if nothing else; they will remain special to each other. Donghae doesn't mention getting back together, and it seems to ease some stress in Hyukjae's mind. They're 'bosom friends' again, as Siwon puts it, and if they aren't as physically intimate as before, if there are still certain topics that they avoid talking about, at least they've been repaired enough to calm the group's dynamic down.
Donghae stores up their shared moments in his mind, goes over them in his head at night, and tries to pull together all the sensations of being with Hyukjae. How their relationship has been a focal point in his life. How friendship is a pale second to romantic love and yet the only alternative possible because being apart is unfathomable. How being with Hyukjae has defined his own tastes, his musical influences, his ideas and philosophies and habits. What it means to love Hyukjae. What it means to desire him, to lie in bed aching for his touch and remembering how it felt to lie against each other.
"I'm writing a song. It's somewhat about you," he tells Hyukjae mid-way through fall when the weather is turning cold in anticipation of the winter freeze.
Hyukjae's eyes go big. "For the concert?"
"I guess, if they'll let me perform it."
"Can I hear it?"
"Not yet. But…" Donghae takes a breath. "If I complete it, and they let me perform it, how about you coming up on stage and performing it with me?"
"I don't want to take away any attention from you. It's your song."
"But inspired by you. It's only fair that you should take a bit of the spotlight too. Anyway, doesn't it always look better when we're together?"
"Is it a love song?" Hyukjae says, smiling suddenly.
"No," Donghae says. "Most definitely not."
He names it 'Beautiful'. Means to play it for Hyukjae before the end of the year, maybe on a night when nobody else is in the dorm. But, as Jungsu says, it's strange how life doesn't work out linearly. No matter how settled and comfortable you might be with your life at a certain point, something will happen to throw everything into disarray. Nobody predicts that one night Youngwoon will go out with his friends to a bar and get involved in a fight that leaves him both in the police station and on the headlines of all the tabloids over the next couple of days. Nobody predicts that, two weeks later when the heat still hasn't cooled from the security camera footage, Youngwoon will go out drinking with the same friends and end up driving his car into a taxi while in a drunken haze.
Jungsu receives the phone call at four a.m. At five, he's still on the phone, this time in a conference call with the managers. At six, he drives Youngwoon to the police station. At seven, he's telling the group that they have to remain calm, don't panic, this is bad and he'll have to make amends for drunk driving and causing an accident, no mistake about that, but it doesn't do anyone any good if we crucify him. Jungsu's eyes are red and bloodshot and Donghae finds himself thinking, being a leader is hell.
Aside from Jungsu, Donghae and Hyukjae are the only members whom Youngwoon wants to see when he leaves the police station. The two of them drive in a sombre silence all the way to Youngwoon's family's apartment, wondering how everything could have changed so fast and so drastically, how much of a difference one night of indulgence and ill discipline can make.
"Shit," Youngwoon says when he sees their faces. "I am sorry. I am so sorry. I don't even know how to make it up to you guys."
"Hyung, it's not us you should be sorry to," Hyukjae says. "It's the people you hit in that taxi, and our fans who've always supported you and thought you were a role model."
Youngwoon reddens. "I will straighten everything out. I'll do whatever it takes. I won't let any of you suffer from my mistake."
"Yes," says Hyukjae, and it's only at that moment that Donghae realises how angry Hyukjae is, "that's the only thing you can do now. You can be as sorry as you like but if you don't do anything to fix this, it's all meaningless."
Donghae puts a hand on Hyukjae's arm. He should be angry too, because what Youngwoon did was inexcusable, and when he remembers the devastated look on Jungsu's face and the number of calls chalked up on the managers' handphones he thinks, no, we can't let him off, he has to know how much trouble he's causing everyone with his drinking habit. But then he remembers only too well how it feels to be drunk and stupid. He knows only too well, now, what a difference one night can make if you aren't able to pull yourself out of it in time.
"This isn't the end, hyung," he says. "Do what you have to. We'll continue supporting you."
"Yes," says Youngwoon. "I will. I really just…I wanted to…I just needed to say how sorry I am. To you guys. But I know you'll be fine without me. You'll pull together. I…I'll be watching and supporting you, too."
It's terrible seeing him so browbeaten. Youngwoon, the hale and hearty Kangin with his rough manners and larger than life personality. Donghae looks at Hyukjae. It's true, he wants to say. Don't crucify him. He'll have enough judgement and criticism to last him for a long time. There isn't any need for us to add our voices to that chorus.
Hyukjae's trembling when they leave twenty minutes later. They get into the car and Donghae watches as Hyukjae gives way and cries, huge gasping sobs nothing like the frenzy of misery following their visit to Hyukjae's family and yet equally awful in their own way; a disillusionment with someone who has been a friend and a mentor to him since he was a teenager, a worry about the future of the group, a disbelief that they are really in a situation like this. How many more disillusionments do they have to go through, he wonders, before they lose all their faith?
He reaches out to hold Hyukjae's hand and Hyukjae's returning grip is painful in its tightness. "We'll be together," Donghae says. "I'll stay by your side no matter who else leaves or what happens to the group."
Hyukjae doesn't say anything for a long moment, and just as Donghae thinks that he might have overreached himself, Hyukjae says, "Better when we're together, huh?"
Donghae allows himself to smile; just a small, brief one, because the burden of Youngwoon's mistake is still weighing too heavy for any levity. "Yes," he says, and, "it is a love song."
"Of course it is," Hyukjae says.
They don't let go yet. After a beat, he turns over Donghae's hand and kisses his open palm.
… …
Nearing the end of the year, they're announced as the winners of the Daesang at the Golden Disk Awards. Of course, they've been hoping for it, anticipating ever since the flood of music show awards came in for Sorry Sorry, but nothing takes away from the exhilaration of that moment. Not Youngwoon's temporary banishment from the group, nor the exhaustion from having had less than three hours of sleep for the last two weeks from constant planning and rehearsals for their upcoming concert tour and yearend Gayo Daejuns, nor the remarks of the music critics that they've won it only because of their fanclub and not for any integrity that they have in music. They've busted their asses for it since 2005 and here they finally are, standing on the stage as winners of the biggest music award in Korea.
"Your dad would've been so proud if he was here to see this," Hyukjae whispers in Donghae's ear when the programme is over and all the other groups are coming up to offer congratulations. Donghae nods and tightens his grip on Hyukjae for a long moment. "I'm sure he is seeing this," he says, and catches Hyukjae's quick pleased smile before turning around to hug 2pm's Wooyoung.
They celebrate with lots of soju and barbequed meat that night, eating out the restaurant's stock of spare ribs, rib's eye and pork belly as they propose at least twenty toasts to SM, Lee Soo Man, their managers, the sound technicians, Yoo Young Jin, their wardrobe stylists, the cameramen ("for making us look so good", as Kyuhyun puts it), Nick Bass – Donghae loses count of the toasts, gives up drinking soju halfway when he feels his face on fire. He's content to lie against Heechul and eat whatever meat Sungmin cooks and dumps onto his plate, watching Hyukjae as he fools around with Shindong. Nobody, he thinks, is as much in his element as Hyukjae whenever he's entertaining a crowd; nobody is as funnily endearing, as witty and sharp at reading the atmosphere. "I love you," he says aloud to Hyukjae in the middle of the noisy, laughing, drunken revelry, and doesn't even mind that Hyukjae doesn't hear it.
It's freezing when they leave the restaurant and pile into the company vans parked along the road. Jongwoon is so drunk that it needs the combined strength of Jungsu and Ryeowook to drag him onto the car seat. Kyuhyun is singing an overly dramatic Chinese song. Heechul is cursing at something somewhere. Siwon has his arm draped around Hyukjae, gossiping about the newest girl groups. Sungmin is laughing. Donghae turns around to find Hankyung standing quietly behind him, waiting for everyone to claim their seats in the vans.
"We did it, hyung," Donghae says, throwing his arms around Hankyung's neck and pressing his nose affectionately into Hankyung's hair.
"Yes," says Hankyung. "We did it."
There's an odd intonation to Hankyung's voice. It sounds as though he's on the verge of tears, and Donghae has a brief fit of wondering when Hankyung had started crying so much before he assumes that it's because of the Daesang. "We can only get bigger from here," he says, and in that moment it seems absolutely true, that nothing else can possibly stand in their way.
"Yes," says Hankyung again.
Donghae steps back to let Hankyung board the van first. He doesn't have to look around to know that Hyukjae has escaped Siwon's clutches and come up to his side, huffing a little in the cold air. He feels Hyukjae's presence in the marrow of his bones, in the way that a human being is always able to pinpoint their loved one's location without the need for visual confirmation, and so it doesn't startle him when Hyukjae nudges him lightly.
"What do you say we take a little walk first?" Hyukjae says. "I feel bloated from all the meat. Don't wanna go back to the dorm yet. We can easily catch a cab back when we get tired of walking."
"Okay," says Donghae.
They wave the vans off and turn to walk in the general direction of their dorm. The night is cold and crisp, fallen snow piled up at the sides of the street, and they keep their hands in their pockets. They walk at a steady pace, neither fast nor slow, in a silence of companionship, and it seems at this point that they can be Daesang winners, Korean idols, ex-lovers, soon-to-be Asian celebrities; they can be all that, and at the core remain two people deep in love and friendship.
"It's been a crazy year," says Hyukjae.
"Yeah."
Hyukjae pauses a moment to look up at the night sky. "Feels like it might snow again tonight."
Donghae smiles. How many nights have they walked like this, side by side? As young boys with no idea of what lay ahead of them, as hopeful trainees, as newly debuted idols, as fearful lovers, as distressed boys coming to terms with their homosexuality? There'll be more nights, so many more days and nights, years together with Hyukjae, and in this quiet dark the only emotion he can feel is gratitude to the higher powers for letting them find each other. Regardless of their relationship problems in the future or whether they ever find their way back into one another's innermost hearts, he'll remember to be grateful for this; that he is one of the rare, specially blessed people who has found a soulmate.
"Come on," he says. "Let's get home before it snows."
previous: part eight (i); a break-up | next: part nine (i); a falling
---
By the way, people have been mentioning that they miss out on my updates...is there anywhere else that I can cross-post? Or is Twitter enough? I have a tumblr page that I could use to post updates on...it's http://catskilt.tumblr.com.
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eunhyuk/donghae
nc-17; 4,796 words; multi-chapter
there was a lifetime in each other, if they chose to see it.
part zero; a moment | part one; a past | part two; a denial | part three; a growing up | part four; a togetherness | part five; a separation | part six; a confession | part seven; a quarrel | part eight; a break up
part eight (ii); a break-up
Beijing is even more bewildering before, or perhaps it's the state of his mind. Did the people speak so loudly the last time? Did the food seem so oily? Was the traffic as crowded and frightening; were the skies as smoggy? He knows a little more of the city now and, thanks to the daily Chinese classes and endless vocabulary lists, a little more Mandarin, but not enough for the managers to trust him with venturing out alone without getting chased down by eager Chinese fans. "You're like my jailer," he complains to Bin, their new Chinese manager who speaks fluent Korean.
"You can go out with me anytime you wish," Bin says, which is true.
"You're never free to go out with," Donghae says, which is equally true. The company is putting tremendous pressure on the managers to work on SJ-M's 'China invasion'; they aren't making as much revenue as they should be, the Chinese market's buying habits seem to be unpredictable and volatile, the group's lack of Mandarin fluency isn't opening up as many opportunities in variety as they were hoping for, and so Chinese classes have increased from one hour daily to two, and the managers are either on the phone constantly or travelling from meeting to meeting.
Ryeowook breaks down on the telephone to Jungsu one night, telling him how tired he is of all the stress and relentless pressure. This isn't how he wants to live his life, he says. He's twenty-three years old, and he should be living it up, doing all the wild crazy things that one can only do in one's twenties. He doesn't want to do this anymore. He wants out.
Jungsu reminds them that they're professionals. Everyone misses the flicker in Hankyung's eyes.
But they are professionals after all, they've been training for this sort of pressure ever since they were kids. Ryeowook's outburst only happens once. Hankyung goes about his work with a mechanical sort of precision that, in hindsight, should have been a forewarning that something wasn't quite right. But they're busy and overworked, and nobody is thinking beyond the immediate future of the next schedule, the next Chinese class, the next performance. Donghae doesn't call back to Seoul. He spends most of his free time with Siwon instead, because Siwon has a naturally cheerful and happy disposition, and optimism is what Donghae needs most at this point. They draw close through the many endless hours on the road, chatting lazily about topics that Donghae can't remember once the conversation is over; maybe it had to do with businesses and investment, maybe it was about God, maybe about the latest movies by Siwon's big-time celebrity friends. Siwon is comforting and safe, a steady presence in Donghae's life that can be relied on at all times, and they stick together so much that Kyuhyun remarks, "out with the EunHae, in with the SiHae."
"What has happened with you and Hyukjae?" Siwon asks once, when they're both sleepy enough to be tactless and confidential; "Haven't the two of you made up yet?"
"We're fine," Donghae says.
Siwon peers at him over the rim of his cup. "You know," he says, "I've been wondering, but I didn't know if I should ask…um, are you and Hyukjae…together? As in…like, a couple?"
"No," says Donghae.
Siwon's eyebrows scrunch together. "But…"
"Not anymore," Donghae clarifies. "We were together for a while. It's over now."
"Ah," says Siwon. "I was wondering, cause, you know…but I didn't like to ask in case…"
"That's good for you, isn't it?" Donghae says. "You don't have to worry about disapproving."
Siwon looks shocked. "I would never…I mean…I don't think it's right but I would never…"
"It's okay," Donghae says, and knocks their cups together. "It's not necessary to talk about it."
Siwon worries his lip. "Are you okay?"
Donghae shrugs. "I guess."
He gets through each day because he can. If there's a part of him that desperately misses Hyukjae, insists on dreaming of him almost every night, yearns to pick up the phone and dial back to Seoul, he tries not to acknowledge it. Other couples have been through worse break-ups. Maybe one day he and Hyukjae will look back on their relationship as just a phase of growing up, something crucial that they needed for self-discovery. Maybe they will even be able to laugh over it together; remember how idealistic we were back then, thinking that we would be the first, the last, and the everything?
Beijing becomes synonymous with that feeling.
… …
Ping Ya brings them out to a club on the one free night that they have in all their time in China. Kyuhyun and Siwon decline, saying that they're too tired and would rather spend the little free time they have catching up with their beds, but everyone else is delighted at the prospect of some fresh air. "I haven't been to a club since I left fucking Toronto," Henry says. "I'm beginning to feel like a caged animal."
The club management has reserved a special VIP section for them that's watched over by security, and for the first time since they landed at the Beijing airport, Donghae feels free. Fuck the paparazzi, fuck SM, fuck schedules and work – tonight they're going to enjoy being ordinary. They're going to get drunk and throw up and say ridiculous things and dance without choreographed steps like other people, and pretend that they have the privilege of normalcy. Bring on the vodka, Zhou Mi says, and the whisky, and the rum, and the tequila...!
It takes about half an hour of shots and glasses and one rambunctious round of the Circle of Death for Donghae's world to change from grim and grey to dazzling and funny. How could he ever have been sad or lonely? The world is awesome. Look at all those people having fun on the dance floor. Look at the amount of good-looking, well-dressed guys walking around. Look at his friends, his true friends and colleagues, all laughing together even though half of them speak Chinese and the other half speak Korean. They're wonderful, the best people in the universe. Who needs love when you have friends like these? He shouts it into Ryeowook's ear so Ryeowook will know the loving feelings running through Donghae.
"Yes," Ryeowook shouts back. "So don't be sad anymore, okay? Tonight we party!"
"Okay," Donghae yells, and promptly falls into someone's lap.
Yet another half hour later, Henry and Ping Ya are jumping around haphazardly on the dance floor and Hankyung is talking in Chinese to Bin. He's crying, in fact; and here Donghae blinks his eyes several times because he has never seen Hankyung cry like this before, not even in the bad days when he'd been facing trouble with his work visa and had to wear a mask during their televised performances. Shit. What could be making Hankyung cry like that? He's home in China, he's part of a group that has won so many music awards that they use them as paperweights. He should be on top of the world. In fact, they all are, they're fantastic, they're making headlines. Donghae forgets his worries the moment he looks away from Hankyung and sees Ping Ya's friend grinning at him. What was his name again? Ming? That famous basketballer. No, the other half of Ming. Yao. Right, Yao. Strange how these Chinese people have one-syllable names. Yao, tall and muscular and astonishingly beautiful in a distinctly non-Chinese way; Donghae remembers that Ping Ya had implied Yao getting plastic surgery in Korea before. He looks like an Asian version of Brad Pitt. He could melt hearts. Donghae feels the first stirrings of arousal since the last morning he'd woken up in bed beside –
"Yao," he shouts.
Yao shouts something back, but it's in Chinese. Donghae strains his ears. He knows Chinese, studies it every day. But colloquial Chinese sounds nothing like what he learns from the whiteboard and textbooks. Doesn't follow the Korean spelling that he painstakingly jots beside characters, nor sound like it uses any of the grammatical rules that they repeat after their teacher. But it's two a.m., and he's drunk on whisky. There are other ways of communication besides the banal tool of language.
"Let's dance," he shouts at Yao.
When I first kissed you, it felt like everything in my life had been leading up to that point. It was you and I thought that there was so much sense in kissing, that we should do it forever, and he's kissing Yao, and Yao is kissing back, and it feels like nothing and everything that a kiss should be. He's dizzy, breathless, and it tastes of alcohol, and Yao is drawing back to mouth along his jaw, and it feels so goddamned good, so familiar and passionate, all that he's been missing.
Maybe this is why people hop into bed with strangers. It's not about being desperate or immoral; it's to fulfil a basic human need without all the complications of emotional involvement; the yelling, the fighting, the hurtful words, the inevitable separation, the misunderstanding, the break-up – how that latte had burned to the roof of his mouth, how he tastes it even now, in this moment of feeling Yao's kisses on his face. Focus. This is love in its purest, simplest form without the messiness of emotion. This is the drawing together of two people who can give each other what they need – just exactly what they need, nothing more or less. Focus, Donghae. There's a man who wants you, and he's beautiful and desirable and absolutely nobody to you; how many people can claim to have this privilege? And if he's to be honest, he does want Yao, does think he could fuck this man, draw his legs up and push into him and watch that sinful mouth fall open –
His head is fuzzy. Yao brings up two shots of something; they down it in seconds and laugh at the ensuing burn in their bodies. Donghae blinks his eyes and stands up and the music is pounding and they're dancing, hip against hip. It feels good not to have to worry about whether he's following the choreography, where he's supposed to be at a given time, or how high his arm has to go for it to look good; and when we danced to La Vie En Rose and you bumped your knee against the bed and laughed with all your gums showing, I thought that we didn't have to go to Paris, we didn't have to go anywhere, we could just stay here and be happy.
Yao is tonguing his ear, hands moving slowly but surely towards his crotch, and Donghae thinks with a sudden shudder, this is the start of what I'm going to be. It'll be him first, and another later, and another after that, and all the anothers until I've lost the sense of what it once was, how it's supposed to be. I'll lose – and here he pauses, because his head is working way too slowly to keep up with his brain, and takes stock of the situation; Yao's hands on his hips, alcohol spilled on his shirt, Yao's deodorant rubbing off on his skin. It could be so easy. It is so easy. Another half an hour – no, another ten minutes, and they could be grinding up against a wall. They could. It would mean nothing – just sex between two men who don't really know each other and probably won't meet again after tonight.
I'll lose him, he thinks. Not only him, but the sense of him, how it felt to share this with him. If I fall into this – if I succumb to this lifestyle…it could be so easy, but –
"No," he says aloud, suddenly.
Yao hesitates, startled, and Donghae frees himself.
"I'm sorry," he says in Korean, and then in halting Chinese, "I love him too much."
He isn't sure if Yao understands, after all his Chinese sounds nothing like what Chinese should be, but he doesn't wait around to ensure that he has made his point. He finds Ping Ya, still working off his alcoholic haze on the floor, and asks to be taken home. Ping Ya takes one close look at his face and doesn't question, for which piece of tactfulness Donghae is eternally grateful. He finds Ryeowook – now holding a still-sobbing Hankyung in his arms – to tell him that he's going home.
"Do you want me to go with you?" Ryeowook asks.
"Looks like he needs you more," Donghae says, gesturing at Hankyung, who's talking on in Chinese and doesn't seem to realise that Ryeowook doesn't understand him and Bin has long since left to join Henry on the dance floor. Or maybe Hankyung does know. Maybe some things can only be said when nobody around understands what you're saying.
He goes home in a cab with Ping Ya's arm resting comfortingly around his shoulder. Thank god for friends like these. Thank god, he thinks in a moment of vivid clarity, for how much he loves Hyukjae.
… …
The smoggy summer heat gives way to the coolness of fall. 'Super Girl' is lighting up the charts in all the Chinese communities around the world. SM talks of planning an Asia concert tour in China, Taiwan and Hong Kong and maybe, Seunghwan says, maybe even in Malaysia and the Philippines. There seems to be enough demand. There are a couple of event organisers that are very, very keen. We could do this. We could bring you guys there. It'll be bigger than anything we've done before.
They go back to Seoul for a short break. It's beyond good being back in Korea; Donghae realises anew the meaning of being at home. He walks past young people barbequing meat along the roadside and colourful street stalls selling food that he knows all the names of, past brightly lit skincare shops and the seemingly ubiquitious Aritaum outlets, the small cafes and the chain bakeries, and feels a deep sense of renewal and recharge, a washing off of Beijing's loneliness and despair. He takes a day off to travel back to Mokpo and place flowers at his father's grave; the flowers that he'd brought on his last visit with Hyukjae have been removed. The air is as sweet and salty as ever, the breezes as mild, ruffling the hillside grass. The sea lies purple and shining in the distance. It's good beyond description to be back in this quiet place where life and death lie intermingled, where remembrance has gone past the place of grief. It's a place where thoughts can be clear and coherent, filled in instead of sketched. And so he sits by the grave and looks over the sea and sets his mind free, lets himself remember the joy of being here with Hyukjae without embittering the memory with sadness and anger.
I will be true to who I am, he thinks. If I am to love and honour only one person, I will love and honour only one person. I made a vow once that I will always be by his side, as simply and surely as his right hand. If I am to be a friend, I will be a friend, with all my heart.
… …
Slowly, they begin to smile at each other again. They've been friends for over ten years, have been through anonymity and success together, and some ties are simply too strong to be broken. Donghae knows that Hyukjae still loves him, knows it without needing any spoken confirmation because this is Hyukjae and there isn't any need of tangible evidence to tell him that Hyukjae loves him as deeply and unconditionally as he ever has. Hyukjae doesn't flinch away the first time post-break-up that Donghae puts out a hand to touch his, doesn't refuse the first time Donghae pulls him out of the dorm for late night grocery shopping. They still laugh at the same jokes, still watch the same shows, still listen to the same music and read the same books and find the same topics fascinating, and it seems that they'll be okay if nothing else; they will remain special to each other. Donghae doesn't mention getting back together, and it seems to ease some stress in Hyukjae's mind. They're 'bosom friends' again, as Siwon puts it, and if they aren't as physically intimate as before, if there are still certain topics that they avoid talking about, at least they've been repaired enough to calm the group's dynamic down.
Donghae stores up their shared moments in his mind, goes over them in his head at night, and tries to pull together all the sensations of being with Hyukjae. How their relationship has been a focal point in his life. How friendship is a pale second to romantic love and yet the only alternative possible because being apart is unfathomable. How being with Hyukjae has defined his own tastes, his musical influences, his ideas and philosophies and habits. What it means to love Hyukjae. What it means to desire him, to lie in bed aching for his touch and remembering how it felt to lie against each other.
"I'm writing a song. It's somewhat about you," he tells Hyukjae mid-way through fall when the weather is turning cold in anticipation of the winter freeze.
Hyukjae's eyes go big. "For the concert?"
"I guess, if they'll let me perform it."
"Can I hear it?"
"Not yet. But…" Donghae takes a breath. "If I complete it, and they let me perform it, how about you coming up on stage and performing it with me?"
"I don't want to take away any attention from you. It's your song."
"But inspired by you. It's only fair that you should take a bit of the spotlight too. Anyway, doesn't it always look better when we're together?"
"Is it a love song?" Hyukjae says, smiling suddenly.
"No," Donghae says. "Most definitely not."
He names it 'Beautiful'. Means to play it for Hyukjae before the end of the year, maybe on a night when nobody else is in the dorm. But, as Jungsu says, it's strange how life doesn't work out linearly. No matter how settled and comfortable you might be with your life at a certain point, something will happen to throw everything into disarray. Nobody predicts that one night Youngwoon will go out with his friends to a bar and get involved in a fight that leaves him both in the police station and on the headlines of all the tabloids over the next couple of days. Nobody predicts that, two weeks later when the heat still hasn't cooled from the security camera footage, Youngwoon will go out drinking with the same friends and end up driving his car into a taxi while in a drunken haze.
Jungsu receives the phone call at four a.m. At five, he's still on the phone, this time in a conference call with the managers. At six, he drives Youngwoon to the police station. At seven, he's telling the group that they have to remain calm, don't panic, this is bad and he'll have to make amends for drunk driving and causing an accident, no mistake about that, but it doesn't do anyone any good if we crucify him. Jungsu's eyes are red and bloodshot and Donghae finds himself thinking, being a leader is hell.
Aside from Jungsu, Donghae and Hyukjae are the only members whom Youngwoon wants to see when he leaves the police station. The two of them drive in a sombre silence all the way to Youngwoon's family's apartment, wondering how everything could have changed so fast and so drastically, how much of a difference one night of indulgence and ill discipline can make.
"Shit," Youngwoon says when he sees their faces. "I am sorry. I am so sorry. I don't even know how to make it up to you guys."
"Hyung, it's not us you should be sorry to," Hyukjae says. "It's the people you hit in that taxi, and our fans who've always supported you and thought you were a role model."
Youngwoon reddens. "I will straighten everything out. I'll do whatever it takes. I won't let any of you suffer from my mistake."
"Yes," says Hyukjae, and it's only at that moment that Donghae realises how angry Hyukjae is, "that's the only thing you can do now. You can be as sorry as you like but if you don't do anything to fix this, it's all meaningless."
Donghae puts a hand on Hyukjae's arm. He should be angry too, because what Youngwoon did was inexcusable, and when he remembers the devastated look on Jungsu's face and the number of calls chalked up on the managers' handphones he thinks, no, we can't let him off, he has to know how much trouble he's causing everyone with his drinking habit. But then he remembers only too well how it feels to be drunk and stupid. He knows only too well, now, what a difference one night can make if you aren't able to pull yourself out of it in time.
"This isn't the end, hyung," he says. "Do what you have to. We'll continue supporting you."
"Yes," says Youngwoon. "I will. I really just…I wanted to…I just needed to say how sorry I am. To you guys. But I know you'll be fine without me. You'll pull together. I…I'll be watching and supporting you, too."
It's terrible seeing him so browbeaten. Youngwoon, the hale and hearty Kangin with his rough manners and larger than life personality. Donghae looks at Hyukjae. It's true, he wants to say. Don't crucify him. He'll have enough judgement and criticism to last him for a long time. There isn't any need for us to add our voices to that chorus.
Hyukjae's trembling when they leave twenty minutes later. They get into the car and Donghae watches as Hyukjae gives way and cries, huge gasping sobs nothing like the frenzy of misery following their visit to Hyukjae's family and yet equally awful in their own way; a disillusionment with someone who has been a friend and a mentor to him since he was a teenager, a worry about the future of the group, a disbelief that they are really in a situation like this. How many more disillusionments do they have to go through, he wonders, before they lose all their faith?
He reaches out to hold Hyukjae's hand and Hyukjae's returning grip is painful in its tightness. "We'll be together," Donghae says. "I'll stay by your side no matter who else leaves or what happens to the group."
Hyukjae doesn't say anything for a long moment, and just as Donghae thinks that he might have overreached himself, Hyukjae says, "Better when we're together, huh?"
Donghae allows himself to smile; just a small, brief one, because the burden of Youngwoon's mistake is still weighing too heavy for any levity. "Yes," he says, and, "it is a love song."
"Of course it is," Hyukjae says.
They don't let go yet. After a beat, he turns over Donghae's hand and kisses his open palm.
… …
Nearing the end of the year, they're announced as the winners of the Daesang at the Golden Disk Awards. Of course, they've been hoping for it, anticipating ever since the flood of music show awards came in for Sorry Sorry, but nothing takes away from the exhilaration of that moment. Not Youngwoon's temporary banishment from the group, nor the exhaustion from having had less than three hours of sleep for the last two weeks from constant planning and rehearsals for their upcoming concert tour and yearend Gayo Daejuns, nor the remarks of the music critics that they've won it only because of their fanclub and not for any integrity that they have in music. They've busted their asses for it since 2005 and here they finally are, standing on the stage as winners of the biggest music award in Korea.
"Your dad would've been so proud if he was here to see this," Hyukjae whispers in Donghae's ear when the programme is over and all the other groups are coming up to offer congratulations. Donghae nods and tightens his grip on Hyukjae for a long moment. "I'm sure he is seeing this," he says, and catches Hyukjae's quick pleased smile before turning around to hug 2pm's Wooyoung.
They celebrate with lots of soju and barbequed meat that night, eating out the restaurant's stock of spare ribs, rib's eye and pork belly as they propose at least twenty toasts to SM, Lee Soo Man, their managers, the sound technicians, Yoo Young Jin, their wardrobe stylists, the cameramen ("for making us look so good", as Kyuhyun puts it), Nick Bass – Donghae loses count of the toasts, gives up drinking soju halfway when he feels his face on fire. He's content to lie against Heechul and eat whatever meat Sungmin cooks and dumps onto his plate, watching Hyukjae as he fools around with Shindong. Nobody, he thinks, is as much in his element as Hyukjae whenever he's entertaining a crowd; nobody is as funnily endearing, as witty and sharp at reading the atmosphere. "I love you," he says aloud to Hyukjae in the middle of the noisy, laughing, drunken revelry, and doesn't even mind that Hyukjae doesn't hear it.
It's freezing when they leave the restaurant and pile into the company vans parked along the road. Jongwoon is so drunk that it needs the combined strength of Jungsu and Ryeowook to drag him onto the car seat. Kyuhyun is singing an overly dramatic Chinese song. Heechul is cursing at something somewhere. Siwon has his arm draped around Hyukjae, gossiping about the newest girl groups. Sungmin is laughing. Donghae turns around to find Hankyung standing quietly behind him, waiting for everyone to claim their seats in the vans.
"We did it, hyung," Donghae says, throwing his arms around Hankyung's neck and pressing his nose affectionately into Hankyung's hair.
"Yes," says Hankyung. "We did it."
There's an odd intonation to Hankyung's voice. It sounds as though he's on the verge of tears, and Donghae has a brief fit of wondering when Hankyung had started crying so much before he assumes that it's because of the Daesang. "We can only get bigger from here," he says, and in that moment it seems absolutely true, that nothing else can possibly stand in their way.
"Yes," says Hankyung again.
Donghae steps back to let Hankyung board the van first. He doesn't have to look around to know that Hyukjae has escaped Siwon's clutches and come up to his side, huffing a little in the cold air. He feels Hyukjae's presence in the marrow of his bones, in the way that a human being is always able to pinpoint their loved one's location without the need for visual confirmation, and so it doesn't startle him when Hyukjae nudges him lightly.
"What do you say we take a little walk first?" Hyukjae says. "I feel bloated from all the meat. Don't wanna go back to the dorm yet. We can easily catch a cab back when we get tired of walking."
"Okay," says Donghae.
They wave the vans off and turn to walk in the general direction of their dorm. The night is cold and crisp, fallen snow piled up at the sides of the street, and they keep their hands in their pockets. They walk at a steady pace, neither fast nor slow, in a silence of companionship, and it seems at this point that they can be Daesang winners, Korean idols, ex-lovers, soon-to-be Asian celebrities; they can be all that, and at the core remain two people deep in love and friendship.
"It's been a crazy year," says Hyukjae.
"Yeah."
Hyukjae pauses a moment to look up at the night sky. "Feels like it might snow again tonight."
Donghae smiles. How many nights have they walked like this, side by side? As young boys with no idea of what lay ahead of them, as hopeful trainees, as newly debuted idols, as fearful lovers, as distressed boys coming to terms with their homosexuality? There'll be more nights, so many more days and nights, years together with Hyukjae, and in this quiet dark the only emotion he can feel is gratitude to the higher powers for letting them find each other. Regardless of their relationship problems in the future or whether they ever find their way back into one another's innermost hearts, he'll remember to be grateful for this; that he is one of the rare, specially blessed people who has found a soulmate.
"Come on," he says. "Let's get home before it snows."
previous: part eight (i); a break-up | next: part nine (i); a falling
---
By the way, people have been mentioning that they miss out on my updates...is there anywhere else that I can cross-post? Or is Twitter enough? I have a tumblr page that I could use to post updates on...it's http://catskilt.tumblr.com.
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Date: 2013-03-03 11:35 am (UTC)in this chapter, when i read the club part, i was ready for the worst cause u know, i still remember u said that u would make donghae have some affair, and i thought that he was going to sleep with yao or whatever, but thank God, it was not. (feel release haha). and the friendship between HJ and DH, i'm sure that not only in fanfic but in real life, it's a valuable one.
i love the part "is it a love song?" "no"
than "it is a love song"
it's cute, i want to punch Hyukjae for being confident but want to hug both of them for being cute
(btw, ur tumblr url doesn't direct properly)
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Date: 2013-03-06 02:34 pm (UTC)I was initially going to have Donghae in an affair, but somehow it didn't seem in-character and so didn't work out...it became an epiphany instead, hahaha.
I've edited the tumblr url! :)
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Date: 2013-03-03 11:56 am (UTC)COME AND LIVE WITH ME. WHY DON'T YOU MARRY ME? WE'RE BOTH GIRLS BUT THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM, PLEASE BE KIND AND LET ME LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE WONDERFUL
omg gem you had me smiling at this one. this chapter was probably the sweetest thing in the world five minutes ago. i felt no pain. let hankyung go. let kangin go. they'll come back.
let everybody go.
everybody will come back at some point and they'll be old and their skin will be old but their sould will be forever young because they're super junior and they're eternal. and you're beautiful.
and your donghae is the most bitter-sweet thing on this entire planet because how could he how could he love hyukjae so much that he has no problems accepting him as just a friend though his body aches for a touch omg OMG
<333333333333333333333333333
I love you. Marry me. Give me your tumblr. Let me drown you in so much love that you'll live forever and ever in my heaven
:X
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Date: 2013-03-06 02:44 pm (UTC)This part was not meant to be so happy, it was meant to be pouring on the truckloads of angst but somehow plans didn't work out and Donghae ended up being all ~mature~
But since it ended up being bittersweet, I suppose the original plan was half-accomplished :)
Thank you sooo much for reading and for all your lovely comments <333!
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Date: 2013-03-03 01:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-06 02:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-03 03:13 pm (UTC)"Beijing becomes synonymous with that feeling."
I love this idea and how concisely you phrased it. It's like...sensory memory boiled down into one neat description. And it's also truly disheartening and only serves to highlight the seeming..superficiality? of Donghae's drunken happiness.
Speaking of which, when I saw Ping Ya's name at the beginning of that paragraph, i just KNEW. He would have to feel something like this. Using this to try and get over another person isn't cliche, it's realistic and instinctive and you did an awesome job of describing that feeling. A particular favor was Donghae's train of thought about losing Hyukjae, how Ming would be "just another" and then there would be this chain of other people before he just lost him.
All the dropped hints (more like punches in the face) re: Hankyung were just what I expected..this heavy, downcast factor constantly amidst the changing emotions in this chapter. Interested to see how shit will hit the fan, more than it has. Donghae's maturity in most of these situations is genuinely appreciated, as is the strangely graceful falling back into a relationship with Hyukjae, whatever kind of relationship it is.
If we talk about the Kangin part, I'm gonna get real sad. Just know that this was really good!
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Date: 2013-03-06 02:52 pm (UTC)Basically, just happy with the parts that you liked and how you felt about this chapter in general because it really didn't follow my original planning and went on its own merry way...! I did want Donghae to be in an affair - I think this is the second time that I've tried to put him with someone else - but it just didn't work out. It's obviously not meant to be XD
Thank you so much for reading <3333
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Date: 2013-03-04 12:54 am (UTC)Oh Hangeng, oh Kangin QQ
the little bits of Hangeng crying, Hangeng only saying the simple yes to Donghae's statements..... somehow, even though I know his leaving is coming up, I don't really think there is a way to prepare myself for it when it finally arrives. -gathering tissues in advance-
I just want to smush Donghae and Hyukjae together because they are just so damn cute. The falling back into friendship is just so beautiful. You have a magical way with words~
"Yes," he says, and, "it is a love song."
^That part is all that I'm going to quote because if I allowed myself to quote all the parts I like I would end up quoting your entire update back to you. Everything you write is just so lovely <3
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Date: 2013-03-06 03:40 pm (UTC)Donghae and Hyukjae are cute, that's their sole station in life! Haha.
Thank you so much for reading. Your comment is lovely. *_*
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Date: 2013-03-04 01:02 am (UTC)I was sort of, kind of expecting it. I thought he would get to this point where all his emotions cools down and he can see beyond his blinding desires.. (I just thought that you would make it in sadder way, but you didn't; you made it like perfectly growing up to deep feelings of him). The thing is... I pretty much like blind Donghae :D I just got used to this side of him and I'm still refusing to acknowledge his adult-like feelings toward... everything. (Ok, I know I'm sounding like teenage/hormones take over myself/childish girl now, but I hope this at least shows how I appreciate your through-whole-eight-chapters Donghae.. You made this to me, you know, it's your fault!;))
Anyway, I'm really happy that this isn't worse, in sense of heartbreaking, because now they can somehow move on with their (or at least Donghae's) new, stronger and easier feelings, soulmates thing and I-will-be-your-friend-forever thing. The thing that saddens me the most is that this is what everyone was expecting from him. I'm not even mentioning Jungsu or whatever, because it's obvious but Hyukjae wanted it, right? He wanted them to be like this, this calmer version of them that they can fit into everything else. And it's sad how it seems to be not the compromise, but convincing or even making Donghae to be like this. He needed to grow up, everybody said. There was no room for his burning and flaming feelings and there still is no room for it. And still, Donghae is the one who tells both to himself and to Hyukjae that he will be with him forever, even only as a friend if it's what Hyukjae needs, and writes a love song about him.. Doesn't it sound sad? He's like this loyal puppy, which can be anything the owner wants and he changes for him (not mention those all years of waiting with his feeling closed shut). What I'm trying to say is that would be nice if Hyukjae once in a while could do something more obvious to show his feelings.. I know he is a man of few words, not really dramatic person, but it would be just nice, you know, to have something more than "Donghae knows Hyukjae loves him." It occurred me actually before, especially during the last chapter that they are not really equal with their feelings. There was this moment when Donghae was talking to Junsu and... "He may very well be Hyukjae's boyfriend, may be the one sleeping with him and dreaming of a future with him, but Junsu is Hyukjae's oldest and most cherished friend, and if push comes to shove Donghae wouldn't put it past Hyukjae to choose Junsu over him." That broke my heart, because it would be just nice to see that Donghae is the most important person for Hyukjae as well..
Ok, I'm over analyzing everything, right? Sorry, but it's your fault to write such a good and convincing piece of fanfiction! :)
I also wanted to take this moment to appreciate this little part when Donghae told Siwon about their relationship and how easy it went. I could totally see them talking like this because I really like Siwon and that's it:)
Oh girl, there are so many things that I could tell you about this chapter, about every little part, because it's amazing how you write and put those emotions in simple sentences, but it's mostly because I really like to talk and my comments goes and goes to no ending rambling... I'm happy to find this part so soon because this is really great thing and waiting impatiently for more :)
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Date: 2013-03-09 08:11 am (UTC)I think Hyukjae is just more reserved with his feelings, but in his way he has also made many sacrifices for Donghae - like choosing to give up his virginity to Donghae, for example, even though it scared him, and agreeing to tell his family about their relationship - he was also the one who initiated telling the other members! So in a sense, Hyukjae has kind of been the one actually pulling them from one stepping stone to the next. So I think their feelings for each other are equal - or at least, were equal at one point, except now Hyukjae is pulling away because he can't deal with Donghae's all-in-all intensity and they're growing boys at a very important point in their careers after all, Hyukjae may want to focus on what's at hand instead of constantly dealing with a complicated relationship.
So...seems like it'll take them a while before they can get back together, ooops lol!
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Date: 2013-03-09 12:17 pm (UTC)Also, I need to remember to NOT comment right after reading because my brain doesn't function right then and my comments always sound more like complaining, when I really love this story too much hehehe
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Date: 2013-03-04 04:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-06 02:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-04 08:07 am (UTC)i was so afraid he was going to go down that path, cos if so, he and hyuk would have diverged so drastically that there would be no going back.
and oh god, you're gonna do the geng leaving, i feeeel it D: and it was done so lightly and vaguely, but the hints and the foreboding come creeping through.
and oh kangin, that part was so well-written.
this was amazing, this fic is one of those very special ones that can literally be placed right into their lives, like looking through a peephole into super junior.
and even though my otp is
quite obviouslynot eunhae, i'll follow this fic until the end! (((:sorry if this seems too nosey, but why don't you post your fic on miracle?
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Date: 2013-03-06 03:25 pm (UTC)Thank you for reading it even though your otp isn't EunHae! <3
I used to post on miracle, but now it seems that fandom has moved on from it? Or am I mistaken? (I haven't been on miracle in like...two years, maybe.)
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Date: 2013-03-07 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-04 09:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-04 09:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-09 08:16 am (UTC)I agree that Donghae and Hyukjae really do share a special friendship - in real life, I mean, not just in this fic - and they'll probably remain close friends all their lives, which is a very special thing and something I envy them a lot for! They always seem to be happy together, have all the same interests, a sort of telepathic understanding - I guess you can only be like this with someone whom you've known and lived with since you were a kid!
Edited to add my two cents about the IU-Hyukjae thing - I think it's silly that people were all "homg EunHae is fake!!11" in response to that, because - seriously? IU-Hyukjae most likely has nothing to do with Donghae-Hyukjae, and one being real doesn't make the other fake -_- Just because a girl has a boyfriend, does that make her friendship with another girl any less "real"? Take a chill pill and then some, gaizzzz
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Date: 2013-03-04 05:51 pm (UTC)wow , you're really a great writer
i mean , woooa , reading u'r stories . . i felt like exploring Super Junior's time machine , every step , every season, every emotion, every struggle , as if you were standing invisibly in the midst of them and watching every changing moment in their eyes , especially EunHae , u're like witnessing everything with your own eyes and putting all of their journey into this beautiful story :)
it just , so mesmerizing , so deep and meaningful
oh my , i don't care with my broken english , i just can't bear to tell how much i love this story
anyway , it is not the last chapter , isn't it ? tell me it is NOT , i'm insist
and , why don't you make Hyukjae kiss Donghae even just once- _____ -no subject
Date: 2013-03-09 08:21 am (UTC)No, it's not the last chapter - a few more to go!
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Date: 2013-03-05 01:43 am (UTC)Hangeng D: there's so much sadness associated with him, I can't even begin to comprehend how awful it will be when he leaves. That whole scene with Ryeo in the club just makes me want to cry.
I'd honestly forgotten about Kangin's anger management issues, though it makes me worried to see how Jungsoo's dealing with it. I guess it's a good thing Eunhae's taking a break during such a tumultuous time in Super Junior; this way, they've learned to not just focus on themselves, but their bandmates as well.
I am so happy to see you updating more often! Even if the chapters are shorter. It looks like it's working out better for you, as well!
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Date: 2013-03-09 08:24 am (UTC)Hmm, there probably won't be much about Hangeng - initially he was supposed to play a bigger part (or his situation, at least), but now that the timeline has been shifted up, unfortunately he's not going to have too big of an impact - at least not directly!
Donghae's the kind of person who loves someone and then never stops loving him cos he's just special in that way. Hyukjae though - may not have the same personality trait, lol. We'll see.
Thank you for reading and commenting <3333
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Date: 2013-03-05 02:06 am (UTC)and i can spot the characteristics of each person and everything - like hankyung's whole inner breakdown and the apprehension in his voice and the tension but donghae can't spot it (unless in hindsight)
by the way, love that you put in a scene where donghae has the chance to sleep with an attractive man, something with no strings attached, only to pull away after realizing that he would only love hyukjae (even if it was just friendship right now) and ugklhalfdha the admission that it /was/ a love song later. I didn't feel like tearing my heart out at this update (i'm glad. i had that urge for some past chapters before).
remember how idealistic we were back then, thinking that we would be the first, the last, and the everything?
AND THAT SENTENCE
wooooow
could apply to so many couples
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Date: 2013-03-15 02:44 pm (UTC)I'm glad that you didn't feel like tearing your heart out! There has been a fair amount of angst lately, huh? (probably more coming up...oops)
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Date: 2013-03-07 05:53 am (UTC)and the club scene YES you did that so well. donghae stood on the precipice -- he almost became a person that ignored the pain or fucked it away, at the risk of ruining whatever he had with eunhyuk, whether it be friendship or romance, whatever. he could have destroyed himself but he chose not to. ugh that was so painful and raw and real. excellent, excellent update. and, as always, i look forward to more.
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Date: 2013-03-15 03:04 pm (UTC)In this fic, their lives have been so closely intertwined since they were kids, and they've gone through so much soul-searching together, I think it's impossible for them to truly draw apart. And I think you've just described them perfectly, with Donghae pulling too hard and Hyuk either giving too much or too little.
I will try to update soon!
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Date: 2013-03-07 06:53 am (UTC)This chapter made me both happy and sad. Even the ending, I think I should feel happy (and I guess to some extent I am happy) because they are still best friends and they still love each other even though they aren't really dating anymore and there's this air of impending happiness, but I can't help but feel sad with the ending because their current happiness (or at least Hae's POV) is based on compromise so neither are really and truly happy, but they are at the point where they are okay with how things are right now because it's better than how it was just weeks earlier. Am I even making sense?
I'm happy Hae didn't end up having an affair with that guy in China. I love how Hae realized that it would be so easy to fall into the habit of dating or having sex with random guys just to try to forget Hyuk or to simply satisfy his needs, but each time he did that would take him a little bit further away from Hyuk and the possibility of them getting back together, not simply because Hyuk might feel disgusted with the new slutty Hae, but also because Hae would forget what a real relationship means and that Hyuk is the one who could give him a real relationship, and because after "dating around" Hae's definition of a relationship would change and Hyuk might not fit his new definition. I can't believe Hae was adult enough to realize it rather than letting the rush of emotions control him like it usually does. It's like Hae matured overnight and he's not going back to his immature, bratty self, which I should be happy about since I often said that Hyuk was the mature one of the relationship and Hae should "grow up" but now that he has, I hope that Hae doesn't completely lose his immature self since there's a part of that immature Hae that Hyuk loves too and Hyuk likes the role of taking care of Hae. See, once again I'm both happy and sad at Hae's transformation.
It's touching how Hae can't help but want to show everyone his love for Hyuk with his writing of Beautiful and wanting to perform it with Hyuk. And it's so sad how Hae constantly thinks of Hyuk is such a loving manner or reminisce about when they were together, but now he has to push those feelings aside for the sake of the group and for the sake of not wanting to pressure Hyuk with getting back together. It's like Hae has to live in a shadow of his past life and the life that he wants to go back to when they were dating and before the arguments started. I'm sure Hyuk is probably feeling the same way too. It's also sad that as they try to do the "right" thing for everyone they are willing to let their happiness go and are willing to go on like this forever. It doesn't seem like they are willing to rock the boat or be a little selfish for once and ask the members to give them a chance to be together, and that makes me angry that they are willing to be so complacent.
I am happy that they found each other because they are soulmates regardless of whether they date or not, and I'm happy that they know this about each other and even though they might not be able to tell the world or even their own bandmates, they know they love each other with every fiber of their being. But I'm sad that all of these feelings must be hidden.
Aside from EunHae, the stuff about Kangin and Hangeng are great elements to the story. I think these events, along with when they got into the car accident, play a big part of how SJ grew closer together to support each other. Maybe this will help Hyuk to feel comfortable enough to tell the others about his feelings for Hae. I like how Hae could understand how easy it was for Kangin to slip and do what he did because it's close to how Hae almost went down his own rabbit hole.
Anyway, I've rambled on long enough, well beyond long enough.
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Date: 2013-03-15 03:08 pm (UTC)I think at this point Hyuk just has too much on his plate without needing a complicated relationship on top of it, and Donghae has kind of grown to see that. Though whether or not their current situation with the members dropping out and their popularity skyrocketing will let them remain the two simple boys that they were remains to be seen!
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Date: 2013-03-14 12:29 am (UTC)this fic is just so perfect and sometimes I thank god you take this time to update, because that way this lasts longer ;A;
And that fight of them just got me upset, but I think it was needed.
Jus flawless ♥
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Date: 2013-03-15 03:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-03-17 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-04-27 08:19 am (UTC)(I'll get it done anyway)I can't pick what I love the most about this. I love how well it ties in with actual events (I'm learning things while reading this), how you've characterised everyone and how they change with time, the pace you're taking this at, the descriptions, the way you've handled homophobia, confusion, insecurities and other obstacles/factors, the emotions. So, probably everything.
I like how people's reactions have varied from instant acceptance to somewhat apprehensive acceptance to zero-acceptance yet still loving, to flat-out hate and negative judgement. Well, obviously I don't like that last one but I do like how realistic the variance is. I think Hyukjae's family's reaction in particular was very realistic, and I'm curious (hopeful) to see if it'll improve with time.
I like that Hyukjae and Donghae's relationship hasn't been easy and that even when not 'in a relationship' they still have one. I like that they have their mistakes and misunderstandings, but still find their way back to each other.
You've done a brilliant job with this so far!
I really enjoyed reading it. Really really really enjoyed it.
Good luck with the next chapter, and I'm really looking forward to it!
~Wishes of health and happiness,
雪のカラ (YukinoKara)
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Date: 2013-04-30 07:22 am (UTC)Pls don't kill me longing for this story..... Hehhhehehehe...
Am going crazy.....
Your story is one of the BEST fanfics i've ever read....
You're sooooo awesome...
Every words flowing made me aweeeeee.....
I felt like i was there, in the same place witnessed them.... Including in the bedroom...wakakkakaka...
That's how awesome you are...
Please author nim, pls update this story...... Missing EunHae so damn muchhhh....
Thank youuuuu..... Am going to give u a BIG hug.... Not that you looking for it anyway....but...yeah... Nothing i can do to show how much i beg you....hahhahahahaha
Don't separate them tooo long please..... hehehehe
Hate to see them sad....