[eunhyuk/donghae] running blind with eyes wide open [part eight - i)

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Running Blind With Eyes Wide Open by catskilt
eunhyuk/donghae
nc-17; 3363 words; multi-chapter
there was a lifetime in each other, if they chose to see it.

Note: I've decided to change the format of posting since it would appear that the current method of long chapters isn't working out too well for me. I tend to deliberate over my chapters too much, worry about the quality, and then give up out of sheer despair. So let's try a new method whereby I post shorter, easier, bite-sized chapters that will hopefully get me further!

part zero; a moment | part one; a past | part two; a denial | part three; a growing up | part four; a togetherness | part five; a separation | part six; a confession | part seven; a quarrel | part eight; a break up



part eight; a break up

There's an awkward sort of coldness between them over the next couple of weeks, made worse by Hyukjae's increasingly crowded variety schedule and Donghae's preparations for the SJ-M comeback. When Hyukjae isn't filming, he's in endless production meetings; when he isn't in meetings, he's working on Sukira; when he isn't on Sukira, he's either in company-mandated hair salons, facial spas and gyms or practicing gags with Jungsu and Boom in Boom's private apartment. Work commitments seem to have come upon them with a vengeance, and Donghae's left wondering whether it's because they're unusually busy these days or if it's simply because they've stopped trying to make time for each other.

He tries to bridge the ruthlessly widening gap once by asking Hyukjae out for a quick supper after his Sukira schedule. But he doesn't sound convincingly enthusiastic enough about it; partly because he's afraid of rejection, and partly because he has had so little experience in the way of awkwardness with Hyukjae to draw from that he isn't quite sure how to appear natural. Either way, he's stiff and formal with his invitation, and Hyukjae obviously thinks that someone put Donghae up to it, because he replies just as stiffly that he has to go to the gym; it's part of his new goal to supplement his 'skinny anchovy' image with a 'beasty man' one.

It's a difficult conversation, and Donghae is momentarily relieved when they hang up their phones. After all, Hyukjae isn't the only busy one; he's swamped too himself with the hundreds of little tasks that spring up in the months before a big promotional activity. He doesn't have the time or energy to sit through an uncomfortable dinner trying to talk to someone who isn't in the mood to be responsive.

But the relief is gone before it takes any sort of hold, and within minutes he's sorry, intensely sorry, for how things have gone down between them, because most of the anger has vanished now and each time he replays their quarrel in his mind he loses more confidence in himself, creeps a little more doubt into his convictions. He's beginning to listen to a small voice inside him asking, is there any need to force things on him that make him uncomfortable? Is there any need to put him under such stress when he's already facing pressure from his family and friends?, and he wishes now that he'd thought a little harder before speaking, had listened more attentively to what Hyukjae had been trying to say before rushing headlong into his own arguments.

"I'm an idiot," he says to Yunho over the phone late one night after tuning in to Sukira – it's a routine he can't abandon regardless of any arguments or coldness – and missing Hyukjae's presence so much that he had to vent his feelings to someone. "I should have listened to him. Thought about it more from his perspective. Am I always going to be this stupid?"

"No," Yunho says. "Stop thinking it's the end of the world. You're always so dramatic. Just buy him dinner and talk to him nicely and everything will be okay."

"I don't think it's going to be that easy."

"Nothing in this world is easy, just that some are easier than others," Yunho replies irritably. "You're lucky. At least your kind of problem can be fixed."

Yunho is so rarely unsympathetic that Donghae is silenced. He's well aware, of course, that there's something seriously wrong with Dong Bang; rumours have been circulating in SM that they've been having numerous talks internally, and the atmosphere at the office lately has been very tense. He knows, too, that part of the reason why Hyukjae is hardly ever at home anymore is because he's been tied up with meeting Junsu in his spare time, and the difficulty of being caught between his loyalty to Junsu and his friendship with Yunho and Changmin has been driving him away from Donghae and Kyuhyun, who are just as emotionally vested in Dong Bang. Donghae has no illusions about Hyukjae and Junsu's friendship. He may very well be Hyukjae's boyfriend, may be the one sleeping with him and dreaming of a future with him, but Junsu is Hyukjae's oldest and most cherished friend, and if push comes to shove Donghae wouldn't put it past Hyukjae to choose Junsu over him.

"Have you talked at all to Hyukjae recently?" he asks.

"No; I don't have anything to say to him at the moment that won't end up being a minefield," Yunho says.

The conversation leaves him heavier and sadder than usual, because it feels as though the world he has grown up in and is surer of than anything else in his life is breaking apart at the seams. When Hyukjae comes up to the 12th floor the next day to discuss an idea for a new show with Jungsu and Shindong, their laughter irritates him so much that he turns up the volume of his music player to drown them out.

Halfway through a bass-heavy, head-banging clubbing song, Hyukjae opens the door and shouts, "Turn it down! We can't even hear ourselves!"

Donghae stares at him; how can you laugh, he thinks, how can you continue being so happy when our closest friends are becoming enemies and our own relationship is about to fall apart? And it seems as though Hyukjae has suddenly become a stranger to him; a mystifying, incomprehensible stranger far removed from the tender-hearted, silly, serious-minded boy that he has grown up with, and he stands up to shout back, "So discuss your work at the office! This is where I live!"

Hyukjae's mouth falls open in disbelief. "What is wrong with you?"

"What is wrong with you? This is my room, I don't have to cater to anyone!"

"Why – the fuck – are you – so goddamned CHILDISH," Hyukjae yells at him before stomping into the room and turning the volume button way down to mute.

Donghae lunges at him, but just then Jungsu intervenes to drag Hyukjae out of the battleground. For goodness' sake, he says, for fuck's sake, for all the sakes in the world, be adults. If we can't be friends, can we at least respect each other as members? How are we ever going to last ten months, let alone ten years, with you two screaming into each other's faces –

"Let's just go elsewhere," says Shindong, ever the peacemaker. "Donghae has a point, it's his rest time and we shouldn't be disturbing him."

Hyukjae turns and walks straight out of the room, and Donghae is left to contemplate the deep silence that follows them leaving the apartment, presumably to find somewhere more peaceful to have their meeting in. It's suddenly too quiet for his liking, and he regrets his impulsive anger again, wonders how they could have gone from being best friends and lovers to flaring up at each other at the slightest excuse.

He sends all three of them apologetic messages, even records himself singing 'Sorry Sorry' and sends the entire audio clip to Hyukjae's phone in hopes that it will make him laugh. He imagines Hyukjae playing it to the Sukira staff, talking on radio about how silly Lee Donghae is with that tone of warm affection in his voice that Donghae has learned, over the years, to identify and appreciate, because Hyukjae can be such an undemonstrative bastard sometimes – but the only reply Hyukjae gives him is "Ok". Okay, he thinks. I guess that's the way it's going to be.

… …

One can't be sorry forever without the reception of forgiveness. There are no more quarrels, but no apologies either, because Donghae can't seem to bring himself to say "sorry" when he sees the way Hyukjae's face closes up when it turns towards him. He has done his part, he tells himself. He has humbled himself, even made a fool out of himself by singing a song, and the ball is in Hyukjae's court to keep things going. There's no reason why he needs to say sorry more than once; the fault isn't even entirely his.

"Donghae-yah," says Siwon one day, "don't you think that the two of you are being a bit ridiculous about this whole thing? I don't know what happened, but is it worth it being so cold to each other?"

"I have already apologised," Donghae says. "It's up to him whether he wants to accept it or not."

"That's not the way it works all the time," Siwon says. "If you really want it, you have to make that extra bit of effort to make things right. And besides," he adds, "it's not like it's just about you two. It's affecting all of us too."

"I'm sorry about that," Donghae says sincerely, "but I've tried my best. It's up to him now."

There isn't time to do anything more anyway, even if he wanted to. Their plane tickets to Beijing are booked; itineraries are planned out. They make numerous trips to the office for measurements and fittings; their hairstyles are decided, choreography refined. Nobody sleeps the day that the music video is filmed; they stay up for 35 hours straight, downing a toxic mixture of Red Bull and coffee to keep them awake and running through the 25th take, the endless powdering of their faces, the elusive camera angles that they can't seem to perfect. The only glimpses Donghae has of Hyukjae's life now are through Ryeowook and Kyuhyun's occasional chatter about what happens in the 11th floor dorm; he seems to be very popular with the variety show crowd, invited to half a dozen social events and attending any amount of birthday and anniversary parties. "To think that he used to be the country bumpkin with smelly feet," Ryeowook says jokingly.

And badly dyed hair, Donghae adds mentally. Awkward limbs, knobbly knees, crinkly eyes, and a laugh that made you feel that life was worthwhile. God, how I loved him. How he meant the universe to me. How the stars seemed to shine out of his very eyes. I don't know if I recognise him anymore. Isn't that terrible? When someone you love so much changes to the point that you miss him even when he's standing right in front of you.

Please patch things up, Sungmin texts him a week before they're due to leave for Beijing. Don't go away angry. That's the worst thing to do.

Some things aren't patch-uppable, he writes back.

Is that so? Sungmin replies. Then where do you suppose this will end up?

It's a blow right in the gut. He has never considered the option of breaking up with Hyukjae; has never even thought about it, if you come to that. Hyukjae was his best friend throughout his formative years, his lover during the early adult years, and he has assumed, up to now, that even a quarrel as big as this one has no power to truly affect their bond. Since their first tentative kiss, their first combined tears, their first 'I love you', he has believed, with a conviction beyond any persuasions otherwise, that they're meant for each other; that Hyukjae is the one great love of his life. Letting go of Hyukjae would mean letting go of everything he has ever understood about love.

It'll be alright, he tells Sungmin.

You can't ignore your problems away, Sungmin says. You can step over them, walk in the opposite direction, close your eyes, but you know what, they're still gonna be there.

… …

Three days before he's due to fly to Beijing, Hyukjae texts asking him to come down to one of their favourite cafes in Apgujeong if he's able to. The evening is chilly, so Donghae throws on a light cardigan before stepping into his car and heading out into the congested roads of Seoul. It's nearing autumn on a Friday night; groups of friends and couples are out in full force, thronging the streets. For the rest of his life he will remember the exact number of red lights along the way, the number plate of the Hyundai car that remained in front of him for most of the journey, the sequence of the songs that played on the radio, the heat of his latte that stuck to the roof of his mouth when Hyukjae, slowly and hesitantly, which means that it wasn't at all easy for him, but what needs to be said has to be said, tells him that he thinks it's for the best if they take a break.

Why? he asks, and it's the only word he says for a while, as Hyukjae stumbles over his explanations of how things have gotten so difficult that he can't concentrate on his work, the members are starting to get tired of their everlasting animosity, and it'll reach the higher-ups soon if they don't do something about it. After all, their relationship has never simply been about them; it's linked to the group, and they can't be selfish enough to think only about themselves when the dynamic needs them to work peaceably together.

They sit in silence for a moment after Hyukjae's last words stammer away, and Donghae watches the rain starting to hit the window; would count the raindrops if he could as they run confusedly into each other and fall down the window in thin watery trails, but his mind doesn't register that it's raining. Doesn't realise anything, in fact, than what's immediately before him, the overpowering knowledge that Hyukjae wants a separation.

"You don't think we can work it out?" he asks, shaping his numb lips around the syllables like they're rocks in his mouth.

"That's not that I mean," Hyukjae says. "That's not it."

"You don't want me anymore?" Donghae asks, too numb to feel hurt, and Hyukjae shakes his head, says no, that's not what he means, he needs a short break from everything to step back and look at their problems from a less emotional point of view, but then Donghae isn't listening anymore because all he hears is that Hyukjae wants to separate from him.

He wants desperately to go out and get drunk, use alcohol to lessen the cold fear lying in his stomach the way he sees leading males do in dramas, but SJ-M is poised at the entrance of a comeback and the managers will chew him out if he turns up for practice even remotely less than sober. He tries to dance it out, to keep moving so that he won't have time to sit around and dwell, but the very act of dancing itself makes him sick because it reminds him too much of Hyukjae. He ends up crying in bed instead, night after night while Jungsu's pulling all-nighters filming for his numerous variety shows. There doesn't seem to be an end to the tears, or any possible way of checking them; they come out of their own volition, entirely against his will, and soak his pillow with their bitterness and fear. He isn't sure what his position is in Hyukjae's life anymore nor even where he stands in their argument; doubt has crept into his indignation and polluted his confidence in himself.

"God, you two," Junghoon says, staring in horror every morning at Donghae's swollen eyes. "It's a good thing the two of you don't have any schedules together right now; the fans will start freaking out over you in a minute."

"How is he?" Donghae asks. He can't quite remember when was the last time that he saw Hyukjae for longer than five minutes; it's too easy, really, to stay apart if that's what you want to do. In such a big group of members and managers, such dizzying daily schedules and to-do tasks, it's so simple to draw apart.

"I don't know," Junghoon says. "He's gone back home for a while, so I haven't seen him. Seunghwan hyung says he's doing okay, though. He can't be any less, he's got so much work to do."

"Yes," says Donghae, with a sort of weariness that he can't reason away. "Eunhyuk, the variety star."

Junghoon looks thoughtfully at him for a moment. "Don't you think you're being a bit kiddy over this?" he says. "You can't expect him to remain exactly the same as when you got to know him, you know. It's been seven, eight years – that's a long time."

Donghae doesn't say anything. He does, however, write a very long and confused text message to Hyukjae on the morning of his evening flight to Beijing, asking if they can meet and talk things over, and he thinks: this is what he has reduced me to, typing and deleting and re-typing the same words over and over, looking at my phone every five seconds to see if he has replied.

Hyukjae shows up at the dorm an hour later, his face impossibly exhausted from an evidently overnight shoot, beanie firmly pulled low over his forehead, eyes red-rimmed. Come on, he says, let's go sit somewhere quiet.

Their 'somewhere quiet' is the second level of a little café that serves wonderful homemade pastries. Hyukjae orders chicken pies for the both of them, and devours his ravenously while Donghae makes a valiant attempt at eating half of his. The lilting café music is muted, the sky is fresh and blue outside. Hyukjae's fork clangs steadily against the plate.

"Have you got everything packed for your flight?" he manages to ask between forkfuls of pie.

"Yeah," Donghae says. "It's just the same old stuff."

Hyukjae nods solemnly, jabs his fork into the last remaining piece of pie.

"Hyuk," Donghae says, "I don't want things to be difficult anymore."

"I…" Hyukjae begins, his eyebrows furrowing a bit, and Donghae hurries to elaborate, "I mean, I don't want to keep making things hard for you. I know that you've been so busy and I'm going to be busy, too, and our fight has been worrying the members…"

Hyukjae takes a deep breath. "If I made you feel that I don't accept your friends…that's not what I meant. You have a right to be friends with whoever you want and…I know I was unreasonable about that."

Donghae has to fight very, very hard against an overwhelming impulse then to reach over and pull him in for a bone-crushing hug, to kiss every ounce of love and desire he feels into Hyukjae's very pores, but from some strength within him that he didn't know he possessed, he manages to remain still. "Okay," he says.

They're silent for a moment, listening to the strains of Nell on the stereo, and then Donghae makes an effort and says what he came to say, "I respect that you need a break. We need to focus on work right now, and we can't do that if we're always fighting about something."

A small, fundamentally selfish part of him is thinking, say no, you were mistaken, nothing is more important than our relationship, but he accepts it when Hyukjae nods.

"It's not that I don't want…this…anymore," Hyukjae says, "it's not that I don't think it's going to work, but I really think that at this point in time, we can't afford to worry everyone…"

"No," says Donghae. "It's okay. I get it."

They sit for a little longer, chat a bit about their upcoming schedules. It's late morning when they leave the café and drive the few streets back to the dorm. Hyukjae says, it's going to be frantic over the next few weeks, they've crammed practically every minute of my days with something, something, something. I don't know how I'm going to survive it in one piece.

If it gets too much, you should drop a couple of shows, Donghae says. No amount of fame is worth burning yourself out.

Hyukjae smiles a little wryly. You're right. If only the company thought like you.

Just before they hit the 11th floor, Hyukjae turns to him and touches his lips, very briefly and tenderly, to Donghae's temple. "Take care of yourself over there," he says.

"You too," says Donghae, and watches him until the lift doors close.

Comments

[rurouneko.livejournal.com]

i'm making a :( face rn ugh
i hate this break up but i do agree that they need to sort things out between them first esp since their fight affects everyone :(
both are stubborn enough ;c at least they separated in good terms.
hopefully with the coming schedules and as they cool down themselves, they see the problems in clearer light and make up with each other :c

ps the crying hae part breaks my heart :((((((

[andybianca.livejournal.com]

i just want to cry at your page and wait for the next part for the at least happy ending i guess hi gem

[brattygurl2011.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm so happy you updated one of my all-time favorite stories!!! Thanks!

I'm so sad that they're on break, but I guess it's the best thing to do since they will be away from each other for a couple of months or longer, plus they need to really figure out what to do about their relationship since it affects the other members. I do think that Hae was more in the "wrong" than Hyuk, but they both should have tried to communicate with each other so things wouldn't be so stressful or tense. I think Siwon was right when he told Hae that sometimes it takes more effort than just saying sorry once, and Hae was saying sorry (in a not serious fashion by singing 'Sorry Sorry') about kicking the guys out of the dorm not apologizing to Hyuk about their personal argument so I don't consider that as Hae apologizing to Hyuk. I had to go back to the last chapter to remind myself what they were arguing about and I don't think Hyuk told Hae not to see his friends. Hyuk simply told Hae that he's not comfortable around Hae's new friends so he won't go with them when they go out. Plus, Hae's new gay friends were much too vocal and open about their homosexuality and sex in general and Hyuk isn't comfortable with that kind of talk coming from someone gay or straight so it's not like Hyuk was saying he didn't like them because they were gay and open about it. But Hae rushed to anger and didn't really listen to what Hyuk was saying so Hae played the role of indignant lover who demanded an apology from Hyuk. Plus, I'm a little peeved that Hae didn't think about the "friend" who was blackmailing Hyuk recently and how stressed out Hyuk must be because of it, but Hae doesn't think about Hyuk and what he's going through, he's only thinking about his own feelings and insecurities. It's like once Hyuk stops mentioning the blackmail then it's no longer a problem so Hae doesn't ask about it or feel concerned about it. Maybe the blackmail is over, but the fact that Hyuk lost who he thought were close friends would leave a lasting impression that would keep Hyuk unhappy and insecure for quite a while.

Hae needs to grow up a little and maybe this separation will help him do just that. I think I've said this before on a different chapter, but Hyuk is the mature one of this relationship, he's the one that holds it together for them. So I can see why Hae is really worried about where their relationship ends up since it's mostly based on Hyuk and he's not 100% behind it anymore.

I just hope that nothing happens between Hae and Zhoumi's friend, the one who flirts with Hae who I can't remember his name, now that Hae is single. I can see Hae being an idiot and letting his insecurities and fear of being alone push him into dating the guy or maybe even having sex with the guy. The guy is the opposite of Hyuk in terms of embracing his homosexuality and Hae is sort of looking for that right now so maybe Hae will think this guy is the better match for him. I hope that doesn't happen though. If Hae does end up dating that guy, it will break Hyuk's heart.

I hope the break up doesn't last for too long and I hope you don't give them too much drama or angst. I want them to be happy again!

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

As always, I love reading your comments because they always manage to throw some light into my fuzzy brain and give me ideas about where to take the story next. Thank you for all your thoughtful observations and opinions <3

(I will try to make them happy again, but it won't be anytime soon...)

[steeel-magnolia.livejournal.com]

this breakup is necessary(to me) but that doesn't make it any less sad:'(

esp since they are made for each other.;aaaa;

and though I'll miss your insanely long updates I think the new system will be good since I keep forgetting what happened in thw last chapter and having to go back to read(not that its a bad thing actually)
thanks for the update! x

[ascalpeladay.livejournal.com]

sobbing until this gets updated

[l-mmdays.livejournal.com]

i cry. spot

[l-mmdays.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD OH MYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOD.

og my god.

oh my god

oh my

yeah, you got that one

OH MYYY GOOOD

i had tears in my eyes when I read the title what do you mean by a break-up what's a break-up between those two who don't know how to be one without the other WHAT.DO.YOU.MEAN

oh my god gem. i was here every day of every month praying and asking for that dude up there to clean up the mess in your head so you'll be able to write. something. anything. break my heart a little more with your gorgeous writing skills. you'll kill me someday. you'll put the last nail in my coffin with this one.
IIII loooooove your Donghae and his fears pains me to no end. honestly, i see him as this little piece of nothing sobbing and crying over hyukjae like he would after a lost toy because Donghae is a kid and you SHOULD love him. YOU MUST LOVE HIM HYUKJAE BECAUSE LOOK HOW YOU MADE HIM ACT.


that Hyukjae is the one great love of his life. Letting go of Hyukjae would mean letting go of everything he has ever understood about love.

and


Isn't that terrible? When someone you love so much changes to the point that you miss him even when he's standing right in front of you.

and you lost me at this one

"Why – the fuck – are you – so goddamned CHILDISH," Hyukjae yells at him before stomping into the room and turning the volume button way down to mute.

Donghae lunges at him, but just then Jungsu intervenes to drag Hyukjae out of the battleground.

why did you do that to me?
i love you i adore you i love you

OH MY GOD

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh thank you for reading and commenting <3

I'm sorry, I promise to fix them soon!

[l-mmdays.livejournal.com]

i'd paint your nails red for you that's how much i love your hands

[underthesea-sc.livejournal.com]

I love you and your eunhae beyond words !!! The break up
is neccesary but still my heart was broken along the way. :(((
Cabt wait to read more !! ^^

[starsteph999.livejournal.com]

I have tears welling in my eyes because i don't think I've ever read something that I could relate to so well.

That feeling of impending and compounding doom that things aren't going to work out and with something as simple as a sweet kiss to a temple, you're flooded with irrational and selfish feelings that you thought you got rid of.

And just ugh you're writing. It's impeccable and frankly, I dont mind whatever format you use so as long as it works for you :)

Also, are you planning on weaving in the iu scandal thing because the would actually rip my heart out ;A;

But this is just so good, you using the managers and other members and lepskwodbwonwoow

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I wasn't thinking of doing the IU scandal thing, but now that you mention it...perhaps I can... XD

Thank you for reading <3

[murrc4.livejournal.com]

I love this fic so much. Thank you for the update - short, long...who cares - its beautiful. Also, crying. Poor, poor Hyuk and Hae.

[lamppy.livejournal.com]

Oh well.. I just made and account so I can leave my comment.. I should do it in another order because I'm trying to collect myself form past months to make a statement about Twelve Cupcakes, because.. seriously, this fic changed something in me and life never was the same after reading it, it's probably the most important eunhae fanfic for me, but I will tell you about it some other time (maybe when I'll figure out this site or something...)
So about this one... Sure you know it's probably the best nonAU fanfic out there, right? I just don't need to tell you this because you have everything figured out and people told you this before and I can clearly see the idea about writing strong, complete, the closest to reality eunhae love story... I think world needs it, eunhae shippers needs it even more.
I enjoyed previous parts very much, even though they've been breaking my heart more frequently than warming it... This is seriously great story and I'm lazy enough to not read stories which aren't complete except for this one obviously.. I've been returning to this story quite often, just to enjoy little parts once more and after reading part 8 my friend had spazzing mess on chat (she's not even eunhae shipper) because I was so excited and broken after reading it. The way you describe everything in details the whole story and characters is just... I don't know if I can show you my appreciation enough.
Personally, I'm Donghae biased so obviously my whole heart is with him now and through the story and you will never hear any bad word toward him from me, not even if he'll make the stupidest thing in the entire universe. Partly because I'm kind of similar person in relationships and I sort of understand his reasons. No blame on him ever, sorry.
This part made me so sad, mainly because it was so logic and real. I think the worst part was when Junghoon says about changing through years because it's something inevitable and natural and sets many relationships apart in real life. I know they will figure something out in the future, they'll be together again somehow but it will never be the same. And it breaks my heart because Donghae was fighting for Hyukjae so much for so long. It hurts because he's been through even more than Hyukjae, just because he loved him for much longer and he had to struggle not only with homophobia outside, but partly with Hyuk's denying too. And something that makes me sad, and you put it in here: "A small, fundamentally selfish part of him is thinking, say no, you were mistaken, nothing is more important than our relationship" I think Donghae loves like this, and he would do anything for him. Hyuk isn't like this. Maybe that's good, because he keeps them strongly on the ground, and even Donghae admits it, but part of me knows that this made them to the point where they're now. And they're not happy and it makes me angry. Well, this never supposed to be a fairy tale, right? It's good, it's realistic, it's heartbreaking but still... I couldn't be even fully happy when Donghae was, just because those numerous problems and struggles they've been going through.
I'm looking forward future parts and others stories from you, because I'm admiring your writing and your ideas and I'm sorry this comment is so messy and doesn't make any sense.... Love!

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Oh gosh, thank you so much for bothering to make an account so you could comment. I really appreciate it, plus your long meaty and thoughtful comment is just a;lkasjd!

I'm happy to have written something that you can relate to, and that is moving. Hyukjae and Donghae in here just have different approaches towards things, and they'll have to figure out a way of reconciling their differences. But perhaps there will come a day when they can be perfectly imperfectly happy together :)

[zephyral.livejournal.com]

oh goshhhhhhh.

although i kinda expected this based on the previous chapter. but still, oh goshhhhhh ;;;;;

It's a blow right in the gut. He has never considered the option of breaking up with Hyukjae; has never even thought about it, if you come to that. Hyukjae was his best friend throughout his formative years, his lover during the early adult years, and he has assumed, up to now, that even a quarrel as big as this one has no power to truly affect their bond. Since their first tentative kiss, their first combined tears, their first 'I love you', he has believed, with a conviction beyond any persuasions otherwise, that they're meant for each other; that Hyukjae is the one great love of his life. Letting go of Hyukjae would mean letting go of everything he has ever understood about love. this is so true omggg

hai, i guess at this point, even i if i feel like taking both their heads and slamming them together, a break is the best option )): they both need to figure out themselves before trying any more in this convoluted thing they have.

oh goodness you write so well and it's all so deep and i really love all the word choices and descriptions and the way you string words together.

For the rest of his life he will remember the exact number of red lights along the way, the number plate of the Hyundai car that remained in front of him for most of the journey, the sequence of the songs that played on the radio, the heat of his latte that stuck to the roof of his mouth when Hyukjae, slowly and hesitantly, which means that it wasn't at all easy for him, but what needs to be said has to be said, tells him that he thinks it's for the best if they take a break. heart breaking omg.

waiting for the next part~~ <3

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading <3 Yes, they need some space apart to reevaluate their relationship and how to live peaceably together. But I promise I will fix it!

[piggybunny12.livejournal.com]

Paaaaaaaaaain--such delicious paaaain! I love how realistic it is and it's so enjoyable to read such a well-written fic but I'm craving resolution right now...probably mirroring the experience of the characters right now, fancy that...

I was wondering while I was reading, because this is set in the past, how much are you referencing real events vs. fabricating ones?


Thank you thank you thank you for such a quality update!!!

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I'm just barely following the timeline now - i.e. Sorry Sorry promos, followed by Super Girl. I don't think I've used many "real" events in the last couple of chapters - partly because if I used "real" events, this story would probably be 2000 chapters long, or thereabouts!

Thank you for reading <3

[piggybunny12.livejournal.com]

Bring on the 2,000 chapters! We'll read them all! It's so long ago that I wouldn't know the difference, and I feel like sometimes I read things in fic that I accept as like "oh yeah that really happened" when in fact it's totally made up, just sounds really convincing :P Like I know there was a time when Eunhae seemed more distant, but I wouldn't be able to tell you when that was or if and when Hyuk looked sad on Sukira etc...

Thanks for the update!! <3

[dalankar.livejournal.com]

I saw the title of this chapter and was so scared to read it! It's so heart breaking to see them going through such a hard time :(
This is my favourite HyukHae story because the way you write them makes them so real. So in my opinion you don't have to despair at all :)

[thesaddestlove.livejournal.com]

This chapter is so heartbreaking......... It honestly made me cry. ;~;

[tesa11.livejournal.com]

this one update seriously summarize all my feelings about busy-hyukjae-that-almost-always-drift-apart-from-donghae-and-just-meet-him-in-SJ-schedule
but....they need this break up I must say....hmmmm
and both of them *as usual just like since beginning of their relationship* stubborn...always feeling insecure and fear........

in the end for this part speechless is speechless #plakk

anywayyy....thank you for update this <33333333333333
how I love your roller coaster update XDD

[sujumyeolchi.livejournal.com]

There are probably lots of mature and intelligent things to say about this beautiful and bitter update, but fuck hyukjae. that's completely reductive and ignorant but GOD. i...really liked this. but GOD! ok i'm done being incoherent for the meantime. i finally have an LJ but just know that this story has been stellar from day 1.

[elizabethisboss.livejournal.com]

this honestly didn't hurt as badly as i thought it was going to. yes, when eunhyuk told him he wanted time apart, i felt donghae's heart break like a punch to my gut. but i felt like they did need something to happen so that they could move on -- regardless of whether or not they're together when they do so. the point they were at was just angry and mean. donghae and eunhyuk just wanting to hurt each other and to keep hurting each other because of how much they hurt. and now that they're on their break, i hope that they can get perspective for how much they really mean to each other. donghae can stop acting like such a child (him recording himself saying sorry sorry and expecting that to be the icebreaker that made everything fine again? typical donghae, just, typical).

but okay, i will just reiterate, as i do with every update, how much i love this story and how superbly you write it. thank you for keeping it up and making it so wonderful. can't wait for the next update! ♥

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Donghae has such a childlike view of the world, he thinks everyone has the same views, but unfortunately Hyuk's growing quickly and basically apart from him. It's sad, but what can they do about it? Other than break and reevaluate things.

Thank you as always for reading <3

[arisu19.livejournal.com]

god, i knew from the title that this was going to hurt me!! :(
but i'm with hyukjae in this one, donghae was kind of overreacting...
and all that tension and anger between them! yeah, definitely needed a break...still hurts though!! :P

[roses-and-stuff.livejournal.com]

I just read all the other parts of your fic in one go. It's just so captivating, so beautiful, so real..
I really don't know how to put all the emotions I'm feeling into proper words QQ
Thank you for sharing your writing with us all <3

[samimahain.livejournal.com]

Oh god you've updates ashajkgf,hsdf

... As much as I hate their breaking up, it was probably necessary. They'd better get back together though omfg

BUT WAIT NO GENG'S GOING TO LEAVE NOW WHILE THEY'RE BROKEN UP NO WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

[flameflowerful.livejournal.com]

touching in the same way you touched all of us with your previous chapters. their relationship dissolving and fizzing from all that passion is sad but almost real. and the dong bang turmoil in the background is D:
I don't know if I recognise him anymore. Isn't that terrible? When someone you love so much changes to the point that you miss him even when he's standing right in front of you.
and that was almost heartbreaking. bittersweet tasting

i actually really like the short chapters!format because ur long chapters before were heavy to get through especially your subject matter is heavy itself.

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

I like the short chapters format better too, since I don't have to worry about posting one complete, well-rounded chapter and can instead work on many parts to make up one chapter! At least, I hope it will motivate me more...

Thank you for reading! :D

[(Anonymous)]

Basically, you converted me to the EunHae religion.
First of all, just let me say that this is the best EunHae fanfiction I've evere read, considering plot,language use, grammar etc. It's just flawless.
I've neverbeen a big fan of the SuJu Couples, but you're creating such a real possibility... They're just men, in love, and this is the most normal thing ever :)
Secondly I want to day this. THANK YOU! All the fanfictions I read had a jerk/playboy Hyukjae and a cute, fluffy Donghae and I was just like: WAE?? These two are exactly the same, un terms of fragility, cuteness and strenght.
And in these two last chapters, I wanted to kick Donghae who decided that the way he wants things to be done, need to be done as he says, without considering that Hyukkie hasn't the personality to be as Zhoumi's friends. I love this feeling of misunderstansing and love. But when love doesn' seem to be enough anymore, a break is the only consequence...
Hope to read you soo :)

[(Anonymous)]

Annyeong :)
I'm a brand new reader of your amazingly written fanfiction.
Honestly, at the beginning I was a bit against EunHae, because as a Hyukjae fan, it's sad to see that some people know him or Donghae, only because of their fan service, when there's actually a lot more.
But your story changed everything :) First of all, I like this real feeling. I mean, in this context, it's so right for them to be together. They're perfect. Two people in love, who struggle against life and against a society that can't accept them.
Secondly, I appreciate that your Eunhyuk isn't an ass. Sorry for cursing, but really, most of the times, Eunhyuk is the bad boy and Donghae the puppy, and I just can't tolerate it.
Characters are also perfect. They behave exactly as people put under a lot of pressure: they're not heroes. They are men, with problems and insecurities and they make mistake. A lot.
Let me say that in the last two chapters I felt the need to kick Donghae xD. When Hyukjae screams: "Why – the fuck – are you – so goddamned CHILDISH", I was making him a standing ovation. Really. Donghae behaves as if his ideas and are the rightest ones and he doesn't even bother to think that maybe Hyukjae is just a different person. And it clealy doesn't have anything to do with being or not being gay. I mean, not everybody love to show off they bed adventures. And Hyukkie is simply a more introverted person. Ok, maybe I'm a bit biased, but Donghae really drove mu nuts in these last two chapters :)
I agree with them breaking up at this point of the story. The just need to understand if they can be together or not. And they can't do it being together, of course...
So, well, I hope to read the next part soon :)

Francesca :)

[(Anonymous)]

I was so happy when people on tumblr started talking about your update, it was so long since last one ^^
I love this chapter, just like I loved all chapters before. Even though their breakup or just break is very much needed in this situation, it made me a little sad because I had that break thingy in my own relationship, but we never got back together. just drifted further from eachother. I can just hope Donghae and Hyukjae will be together again, but I will accept whatever you choose for them because your stories hurt so good :D But, I loved that little kiss in the end, I see love and all kinds of emotions in that little gesture.
I feel bad for both of them, but in different ways - Hyukjae is still somehow lost and feels guilt over hist sexuality, and then you have Donghae who wants everything and now. I can understand that, too. But he needs to be more understanding, just like Hyukjae should start sacrifising a little more.

I love your way with words and this story is so so good, I reread it too many times XD
good luck with next chapter, I'm really looking forward to it! :)

[jewelcookie.livejournal.com]

HNGHHHH WHY IS THIS HAPPENING ;_____;. And omg a update. Hyaaaaaaah. All in all, I think Hae was being really bratty. But I know it's in his nature and character. You've written it all so well I can actually see this happening irl ;n;.

And omg you're singaporean. Hi 8D

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm Singaporean! Hi! :D

[eunhaelovestory.livejournal.com]

hi .. this is the first time i comment here .. actually i just join livejournal .. and i have to say .. i'm in love with this fic ..their beaking up .. they break me too lol .. just hopping they will know so soon how much they can being a part from each other .
and i hop you will update soon lol