[Two Friendships, Four Loves] I Fell For You Like a Child - Part 2

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Title: Two Friendships, Four Loves
Chapter: (8) I Fell For You Like a Child – Part 2
Pairings: Ryo/Shige, Koyama/Yamapi
Author: misticloud
Rating: PG-13
Words: 4,862
Summary: Ryo didn't believe in possession, and Shige wasn't interested in relationships.

Previously: Landing in Fire | When Hearts Like Ours Meet [1] [2] [3] [4] | It Burns, Burns, Burns | I Fell For You Like a Child [1]



I Fell For You Like a Child

Part 2

Ryo's biggest fight had always been with loneliness.

The first time he woke up in someone else's bed, he didn't remember how he'd gotten there nor what had happened the night before but he did know that he'd turned onto a new and previously avoided path that he would remain on for a substantial amount of time.

While he'd enjoyed sex ever since the first time he did it in a love hotel with one of the Jimusho's interns, he didn't think much of the way his fellow idols-in-the-making slept around with random girls they'd picked up in noisy drunken forgettable parties. For three years after he left home, Ryo spent most of his nights lying alone on his own bed, sometimes tossing and turning while thoughts chased each other mercilessly in his head, or jerking awake in the middle of the night from nightmares that he couldn't remember clearly. But the year he turned nineteen and found himself waking up in some guy's bed at ten o' clock in the morning with a sharply aching butt and a head that felt heavier than what his neck could support, he realised, with a faint ambiguous sort of sadness settling on him out of nowhere, that he'd actually managed to stave off loneliness the previous night.

It didn't take long for him to get addicted to the non-lonely nights and over the years, he became accustomed to waking up in unknown places. White rooms and beige rooms with differently coloured curtains, morning light filtering in through unwashed windows, clothes lying haphazardly on the floor, rough sheets and mattresses too hard for him to sleep comfortably on. There were faint remembrances of blurred faces and bitter aftertastes, impressions of taking quick, hot showers in featureless toilets. Finger-combing his hair in front of steam-filled mirrors and dialing Yamapi's number to politely demand a lift home. Perhaps there were promises, too, to the face beside him, of future nightly meetings and more mornings of waking up in unfamiliar rooms. More or less. He didn't remember them too well; all these nights that were thinner than wispy clouds on an early summer morning.

Sometimes Ryo wished he had the strength to spend nights alone. Wished that he could draw the blankets over himself and melt into a deep, dreamless sleep against his pillow. But he wasn't strong enough and he hated his weakness, hated that even after so many years he couldn't find a way to build up his defenses against his old enemy. Ryo thought that loneliness could be a very powerful, evil thing.

… …

One morning he woke up and didn't really know where he was, which was normal. What wasn’t normal was that instead of waking up lazily with someone's arms draped around him, he jerked awake to the sound of a feminine scream and the weary, explaining voice of some guy. He couldn't place where the hell he was and it was more than a little scary, terrifying almost, so much so that he remained where he was, blinking rapidly up at the cracks in the ceiling until his vision was obscured by a slightly familiar face.

"You scared my mum," said the face.

Ryo had learned from some smart kid in the Jimusho that the eyes do not see faces as actual faces; all they take in are lines and curves that are interpreted by the brain. He stared blankly up at the lines and curves before him now, none of them making any sense to him until something suddenly clicked and things began falling into place. The non-stranger under a streetlamp, tiny stones being kicked around on the ground, quiet Ikebukuro station, taxi, helping hand, oh yes, last night. Ryo let out a breath of relief and roused himself sufficiently to sit up. "Uh…sorry?"

The guy took a couple of steps back and crossed his arms, staring at him. He had a nice face, much nicer than many guys, nice enough to be on the cover of a magazine if properly done up, Ryo mused. He also needed a haircut, but Ryo forbore to mention that; after all, he was technically a stranger who couldn't be expected to respond kindly to constructive criticism from an idol who'd somehow ended up on his couch with a hangover.

"We're having Western breakfast today," said the guy. "Do you want your egg sunny side up or scrambled?"

The thought of food made Ryo slightly nauseated. "Uh, no breakfast. Not for me."

"…right. Because you're not worth the trouble it takes to scramble eggs."

"I didn't mean it that way," Ryo said, wondering why the slightly miffed look on the guy's face made him feel as bad as it did. "I appreciate you letting me stay over for the night. But I'll probably puke if I eat anything and so I think I'd better…get back to Ikebukuro for my car."

The guy stared at him for a long moment before leaving and reappearing bare minutes later holding a glass of water and aspirin. Ryo took the medication obediently and submitted to being pushed back down onto the sofa.

"Whatever parking ticket you've already got isn't going anywhere," said the guy.

Ryo turned his head and watched him as he went back to the kitchen. Nameless non-stranger. What was it about some people that made them so kind to others? Ryo couldn't figure it out. He thought briefly of the breakfasts his stepmother used to make, plain rice and miso soup and fish that weren't outstanding but somehow tasted like home. Funny, it had been a long time, very long, since he'd thought about the family in Osaka. The breakfasts in this house would probably taste like home too, and kindness, and the headache was melting his vision into something white and blurry. Turning back into the cushion and closing his eyes, he waited for sleep and aspirin to catch up with the pain in his head.

… …

He'd left one grey morning in April.

He still remembered how the gravel of the road felt beneath his shoes, the pressure of his bag on his right shoulder, and the plastic bag of refrigerated food dangling from his left hand. Frozen curry and fried pork cutlets in neat little containers. His last taste of home-cooked food for a while.

He'd breathed in once, twice, of the air now untainted by families and bitterness and mothers who condemned their children by giving up their lives for them.

There had been a heaviness lying in his heart, a thick heaviness as grey as the clouds. He'd wondered why it was there when, by right, he should have been feeling liberated.

When he was walking towards the nearest bus stop, he forced himself not to turn back. Lot's wife had turned into a pillar of salt when she looked back on the burning city of Sodom and Gomorrah. Nishikido Ryo would never be that silly. Nishikido Ryo didn't have anything to look back on.

At that point, he woke up with tears on his cheeks. Loneliness was a state, not a feeling, because feelings come and go but states remain longer than you can fight them. He raised his hand to his face, but the next moment something soft and papery touched his fingers. Looking up, he saw the non-stranger holding out a tissue to him with his eyes fixed on some random point of interest beyond the living room windows.

Ryo took the tissue and the non-stranger walked wordlessly away.

… …

"Isn't it interesting and simplistic," Yamapi said much later, "how we fell for them just because they smiled at us?"

He was thinking of Koyama, of course. Koyama of the light brown hair and smile as wide and loving as his heart.

Ryo thought of the silent offering of the tissue paper; the unasked for sympathy behind that action. Shige hadn't smiled at him. Shige had done much more than that.

… …

The law dictated that his wheel would be clamped, and so it was. Ryo stood and gazed grimly at his car until the burst of laughter from Nameless behind reminded him of the beating his pride was taking.

"You just had to park in a wheel clamping zone," Nameless said with amusement spilling out of his voice.

Ryo looked back with a ready retort on the tip of his tongue to see Nameless grinning at him through his opened car window. There was so much good humour in his face that Ryo unwillingly felt a smile turn up the edges of his lips just a fraction. "Do you always take such pleasure in other people's misfortune?"

"Not as much as now," Nameless said.

"I can't express how flattered I am to be affording you such entertainment."

"I'm flattered to be entertained."

Ryo rolled his eyes. "Least I could do for someone who obviously isn't acquainted with classier forms of entertainment."

"Idols are made to please people, aren't they?" Nameless said. "It's good practice for you. In any case, if you no longer have need of me, I have someone to meet."

"Wait," Ryo said before he could stop himself. "What's your name?"

Nameless shook his head and began to scroll up the window, but appeared to change his mind halfway through. "I'm Kato. Shigeaki."

"Thanks, Shige."

"It's Ka…"

"For everything," Ryo said. "Including the breakfast that I didn't eat."

Shige looked awkward at the sudden shift in mood. "It's okay," he said.

They looked at each other for a moment, as though adding up the minutes that had built up between them since the night before, and evaluating them to ascertain how much a farewell weighted. Then Shige coughed and nodded at him. "Take care of yourself. I'm going."

"Bye," said Ryo.

Shige accelerated and Ryo stood watching as the car drove out of the parking lot, entering the main road where it mingled with fifty other similar-looking cars. Kato Shigeaki, lost among a line of city dwellers making their way elsewhere. It was strange wasn't it, how many chance encounters and leave-takings there were in a day?

He pushed the thought to some crevice in his head and turned to the wheel clamping signboard, searching for a phone number. Time didn't stand still for men to ponder philosophical questions. First things first; get the clamp out.

… …

It took a week, but he eventually got round to carrying out the second item on the to-do list.

"You're having dinner with me," Ryo announced on Shige's doorstep where he'd appeared unanticipated.

Shige looked from Ryo's face to the new set of cutlery he was holding. "Come again?"

"As a form of thanks for saving me from the reporters and, also, it's your turn to entertain me."

"I'm not an idol. I'm not well-versed in entertaining people."

"It's okay." Ryo smiled and passed the cutlery set over to him. "For tonight, I'll make do with you."

The look on Shige's face told him quite obviously that Shige thought something was not quite right with him, but Ryo couldn't care less when all Shige said in reply was, "Are all idols as pushy as you?"

… …

It was late, very late, almost four in the morning in some small, mid-scale bar somewhere in Shinjuku that Ryo chose to patronise because there was little chance of him being recognised there. Neither of them remembered what they'd had for dinner; they were too interested in the drinks and conversation on hand. Shige could hold his liquor surprisingly well for someone who looked so studious; "it's as though you actually go drinking pretty often," Ryo grumbled. He'd been looking forward to getting Shige drunk just to see the polished veneer of this Aoyama Gakuin law student slip off.

"You are talking to a university kid," Shige said, taking another swig of his beer. "I go out drinking every Friday night with my friends. Sometimes Saturday nights, too. If we don't have dates."

"Friday nights, huh," Ryo said. "Friday nights I spend filming 'Ryuusei no Kizuna'."

The look on Shige's face showed plainly that he had no idea what Ryo was talking about, even though 'Ryuusei no Kizuna' was raking in some of the highest ratings of the season.

"You exist in a different world altogether, don't you?" Ryo said.

"I don't watch many dramas," Shige said with a hint of apology in his voice. "Nights are usually spent finishing up some assignment…what's it like anyway? Doing that idol bit, I mean?"

"It's work." Ryo shrugged and knocked his glass against Shige's. "Work is my life. I've been at it since I was thirteen, you know. I don't know how to tell you what it's like because it's my life. It's like me asking you what life as a university student is like."

"Oh, that, I can answer perfectly. Deadlines, projects, roleplays, quizzes, assignments." Shige raised his eyebrows as he watched a drunk girl fall harmlessly onto the floor on her way to the toilet. "The occasional partying. Getting wasted. Girls."

Ryo remained silent and Shige waited a couple of moments for his reply before continuing, "The usual, you know. Some of the guys have girlfriends; I don't know how they manage. There's barely even time for me to breathe, let alone have a serious relationship with anyone. I mean, look at me, I don't even watch dra…"

"That's strange, a pretty boy like you without a girlfriend," Ryo said, interrupting him so abruptly that Shige was left with sentences hanging unfinished from his open mouth. "I would imagine they would all be after you."

"I'm not interested in having a relationship," said Shige flatly, looking at the stage where the live band was beginning on another song. Ryo followed his gaze and saw that his eyes were lingering a little longer than normal on the band's guitarist, a boy with beautifully gelled hair and big, black-lined eyes. He wasn't Ryo's type but he obviously appealed to Shige's tastes, judging from the way Shige followed his movements with appreciative eyes. There seemed to be some things amid the apparently open talk that weren't mentioned after all; would probably not be talked about, but then again didn't have to be talked about to be known. Ryo contemplated it, watching as Shige, cheeks a little higher in colour than they were a couple of minutes ago, threw back another mouthful of beer.

When they left the bar half an hour later to seek out separate destinations, they stood side by side on the curb waiting for taxis to appear. Shige looked at Ryo and Ryo could see the hesitance in his face; a sort of apprehension that made him move closer, casually, into Shige's personal space. The sky was beginning to lighten, morning was approaching, the sun rose so early in Japan. Ryo had been in many strange places before at this time, but never here on a curb with a man whom he'd spent the night drinking and talking to without the slightest physical intimacy. A taxi drove by, saw them, drove slower, then went off in a huff when neither flagged it down.

"Kato, you should've flagged that taxi."

"So should you, Nishikido."

Their hands brushed slightly, non-accidentally, Shige's eyes widened and Ryo took a couple of steps back. He should have been confused, he thought, but instead he'd never felt so lucid before. There was something wonderful hanging just on the edge, he could feel it lingering there, wonderful and tentative and crazy and potentially heartbreaking, and when he looked at Shige he could see the fear of it in Shige's eyes.

"Ignore that taxi."

Shige turned away from him and held out his arm. The second taxi coming up the road slowed down to a stop beside them and Ryo pushed his hands into his jeans pockets as the door swung open for Shige.

"Let's hang out again sometime," Shige said, not meeting his eyes.

Something wonderful and heartbreaking.

Looking back now, Ryo thought that was possibly the moment when Shige began fighting.

… …

Ryo never really understood how he'd fallen in love with Shige. In the beginning he tried to reason it out; he had been drawn to Shige, Shige was unlike anyone he'd ever encountered before and he'd appeared at a time when Ryo had been at a really low point in his life, but eventually he stopped reasoning. There was just no explanation.

Koyama said that there was something about Shige that made you fall in love with him. But then Koyama had a wealth of Shige-memories – a cognitive library that Ryo secretly envied far more than anyone realised – while there had been nothing between Ryo and Shige. No playground bonding, no walking home together eating watermelon slices from the neighbourhood fruit stall, no riverbank first kisses, no sunny days spent at the beach building oddly-shaped sand castles. There hadn't even been any mutual friends who could shape their perceptions of each other before they met. On this stage, there had simply been them and them alone.

Perhaps that was the reason why Ryo thought they would last. Perhaps it was also the reason why Shige thought they wouldn't.

… …

It wasn't often that Ryo got a Saturday off, especially with the filming of Ryuusei, but occasionally he got lucky and this was one of those times. Shige wasn't free, saying that a couple of his university friends were having some inline skating extreme sports contest in Komazawa Park that day, but he invited Ryo along if he wanted to come. Ryo didn't, not really, but he wanted to see Shige, so on Saturday morning he woke up earlier than he'd originally planned to, and left to meet Shige at Setagaya-ku.

There was already a little crowd milling about the area when they arrived, and a couple of guys standing near the stands hailed Shige when they saw him. They didn't recognise Ryo at first, but after Shige introduced him, their faces took on looks of recognition. One of them, a slim, bright-eyed kid called Tegoshi Yuya, informed Ryo that his mother liked him very much and the other, Masuda Takahisa who had dimples in his cheeks when he smiled, said that his female friends frequently sang 'Code' during karaoke sessions.

Shige found seats for all of them and settled down with Ryo beside him as Tegoshi and Masuda wandered off to buy refreshments. "Tegoshi is in Waseda studying psychology," Shige said, "and Massu works at a gym as a co-ordinator. We don't get much chance to hang out, but since we've known each other for a long time, we always get along when we meet."

"I've some friends like that in the Jimusho," Ryo said. "Yamapi and Akanishi Jin; also Ohkura Tadayoshi and Yokoyama Yuu. Do you know them?"

Shige laughed at him. "Of course I do, I only see them on posters and commercials all the time."

"You must excuse me for being dubious; after all, you're unaware of the existence of 'Ryuusei no Kizuna'."

"A slight oversight," Shige said. "I promise to watch at least half of an episode before it finishes airing. I'm not too much in tune with the entertainment world, you know. Tegoshi, Massu and me, we're just regular guys."

"I'm hanging out with regular guys today so that makes me a regular guy too," Ryo pointed out.

"Can't argue with you there," Shige acknowledged. "Try not to be too bored with our regular ways."

Whenever Ryo remembered that Saturday, he thought of how ridiculous it had been to even suggest he would be bored. Shige kept the topics of conversation centred around fun, general, silly things that all of them could participate in, and when the competition started, the only thought Ryo had was how out of touch he was with cheering other people on. This was the kind of life that Yamapi, schooling and working at the same time, enjoyed once in a while; the life that he might have had if he hadn't dropped out of school six years ago, and Shige was shouting at the top of his voice, dropping wisecracks and jokes with an eloquence that kept their row and the row in front of them laughing almost without a break.

Sometime during the competition, Ryo slipped his hand into Shige's and squeezed. Shige didn't squeeze back but he didn't pull away either, and Ryo thought of how easy it would be to fall for Shige, just a little.

… …

Three days later, Ryo found himself in a hotel in Osaka listening to Shige's voice breaking up a little over the buzzing phone line.

"I can't imagine it…" break "…guess it's impossible for someone who has always had a home to imagine what it's like being homeless."

"I can't say what it's like," Ryo said, stretching out on the bed and idly studying the landscape prints hanging on the plain yellow wall opposite. "I'm not good at describing things well. It was just…I sort of wondered where I was going to stay the next night. Where to shower, brush my teeth…mundane things like that. I guess I blocked out stuff that wasn't banal."

"You're stronger than I thought you were when I first saw you slumped on that bench asking for help."

"Don't mistake me, Shige. The guy you saw slumped on the bench...that's what I really am."

"No, that's part of what you really are," said Shige. "You're made up of a sum of parts, just like everybody else. The Nishikido Ryo who was strong enough to leave home and become a successful idol all by himself; that's a part of you, too."

"Sometimes I don't want to be an idol. I just want…" to be in Tokyo with you, drinking beer at some nameless bar watching big-eyed guitarists playing to a non-listening crowd.

Shige yawned – rather incongruously, Ryo decided, even though it was 2am. "When will you be back?"

"Day after. Dinner's on you."

Shige immediately launched into a very logical protest, pointing out the fact that he was a student who was paying money, not receiving, and as such did not have the resources to treat extravagant idols who earned figures large enough to make salarymen tear off their uniform black suits in despair. Ryo laughed and kept the phone close to his ear, enjoying Shige's tirade, thinking how loneliness during nights could be alleviated simply by talking to the right person.

… …

In the end they didn't do dinner as Shige conveniently had an appointment that day – Ryo spent fifteen minutes explaining to him how wrong it was to cancel a previously made arrangement just because he was too stingy to pay for the meal – but, instead, met up for a lunch of shabu-shabu the following day with Shige's best friend, one Koyama Keiichirou whose resentment stung every look between them.

There had been no problem getting on with Tegoshi and Masuda from the outset, but there wasn't any talk between him and Koyama after the introductions; something which Ryo suspected was not usually the case when Koyama met anyone new. They crawled through twenty minutes of mostly silent eating punctuated with occasional remarks from Shige, who was looking from him to Koyama with a slightly puzzled expression in his eyes. Ryo watched as Koyama laid cooked pork on Shige's rice, dipped meat into the soup for him, poured his own iced water into Shige's glass when Shige had drunk most of his. There was something about the way Koyama served Shige that was not natural; something that went far beyond best-friend-ship.

And then he was jealous. Just like that, just because Koyama obviously had feelings for Shige and was in a much better position to secure Shige's affections than some random idol who'd encroached on his personal space one drunken night three weeks ago.

Shige was finishing some story to Koyama, and the both of them laughed in a way that made Ryo feel conspicuously left out. Ryo wasn't one for possession; he'd not done relationships before because he didn't believe two people could truly belong to each other 'heart, soul and body', or whatever trash that romance novels talked about. But seeing Shige and Koyama together, comfortable in their own little world of shared memories and good times and understanding, he envied their unconscious possession of each other so fiercely that, when Shige left for the toilet, he told Koyama then and there that he loved Shige. And realised, as he said it, how much he really did.

He'd never imagined that he could learn to love someone.

He thought that Koyama would retort; argue, perhaps, that it was the height of absurdity for someone to fall in love so quickly; but Koyama didn't have much to say. He simply looked at him with a sad face whose eyes seemed to speak much more than his expected, monotone "I understand".

… …

The first time Ryo kissed Shige, they were in a club full to the hilt with gyrating dancers and Shige pulled away quickly, thinking that Ryo had accidentally – albeit conveniently – bumped his lips onto his. Ryo saw a grin spreading across Shige's face as he opened his mouth…most likely to crack some sort of silly joke that would lighten the situation and prepare it for future quirky retellings to Koyama…but he wasn't having any of it.

The second time he kissed Shige, they were in an alley behind the club and Shige was complaining about how Ryo had abruptly pulled him out without rhyme or reason. This time the kiss left no room for misunderstandings and Ryo could feel Shige stiffening with shock, both hands coming up instinctively to push Ryo away. But those hands stilled somewhere near Ryo's torso and by the time they parted for breath, his hands were gripping Ryo's shoulders, pulling both of them in for yet another kiss rougher and definitely more balanced than the previous two.

Somewhere along the fourth kiss, or maybe the fifth, Shige mumbled, "What are we doing what are we doing what are we doing?"

Ryo only said, "I'm serious about this, entirely serious."

Shige closed his eyes and Ryo pressed their mouths together again, unheeding of passer-bys who might be disconcerted at the sight of two men making out against a wall. All these irrelevant nothings and everybody elses really didn't matter. When Shige wrapped warm arms around his waist and snaked his tongue in through parted lips, it felt to Ryo that he was experiencing his first real kisses in a lifetime of shallow, make-believe ones.

… …

They slept together that night. Ryo had not brought any of his 'regulars' or 'one-nighters' to his apartment before, preferring to keep the memories of strange mornings separate from what was familiar and his own, but he brought Shige back to his place without any clear consciousness of it. It was the most natural thing to open the door a couple of seconds longer for Shige to walk in after him, the most natural thing to watch Shige take off his shoes at the genkan and wander across the living room, the most natural thing to lead Shige to the bedroom and undress him as though they'd been doing it for nights that stretched beyond what they could remember.

Relaxed as he was, Shige tensed when Ryo traced a finger over his entrance so Ryo didn't try any tricks, any of the silly things that he did with his other bedfellows to maintain his interest in the activities. With Shige he didn't need to try, everything happened as they were supposed to; the warmth of their bodies as they pressed against each other, the wetness and comfort of Shige's mouth, the welcoming tightness of Shige's body as Ryo pressed a slick finger into him, the little sigh of pain or pleasure or both that Shige exhaled when Ryo pushed slowly into him.

"Are you okay?" he murmured, hands tight on Shige's hips, and Shige nodded, said, "Are you comfortable?" and that made Ryo laugh, vibrations running through his body right down to his cock, and the sensation made Shige laugh too as they moved into a rhythm that was both urgent and gentle.

It didn't take long before they came, gasping and gripping each other tight as they shuddered with the intensity of their climax. Yet even through the haze of pleasure Ryo kept his eyes open, watching as Shige's face clenched, listening as a breathless "Ryo" dropped from Shige's lips, collecting every instance of this lovemaking to form memories that would remain with him for years after.

The next morning he woke up to Shige in his arms. No more strange places, he thought, no more empty promises and early morning demands on Pi and hours so thin that they slipped out of memory the very moment they passed from present to history. He kissed Shige and Shige breathed into his mouth, still asleep, and Ryo understood, after twenty three years, how there could be such things as love and mutual possession and joy in the world.




A/N: This chapter has taken me forever to write and I really apologise for the long wait. I hope the next chapter will not take over a month >.

Comments

[fairy-illusions.livejournal.com]

Eh? I'm first? Whu? O_O!

[fairy-illusions.livejournal.com]

Eh? Is it me or is this chapter a bit more lighthearted? oO


Oh how I love you paint the picture of RyoShige. Ryo needs. Shige gives. Ryo feels. Shige feels. Ryo wants. Shige restrains. And somehow but of them succumb to falling for each other anyway :P

I love how Ryo practically "grows up" because of Shige. Stops running away (or no longer has a need to run away) from his empty nights by finding a willing partner. From brashly leaving home to his life being a mess of thoughtless memories to finding rejuvenated liveliness. Oh how I love your Ryo in here. It's so...asdkghfkl;djgkdfng <---that's me right now.

Oh Gem, how I love you. I've been waiting to see when you'd update. I was craving some broken!RyoShigeKoyaPi (ok well...technically they're joyously reveling in each other's company atm but that's beside my point...plus! who wouldn't want happy chapters of RyoShige, right?!)

Anyway, love you and love your story (and RyoShigeKoyaPi <--that's a mouthful...) lots! &hearts !!!

[stellazeee.livejournal.com]

Time didn't stand still for men to ponder philosophical questions. First things first; get the clamp out.
XD Love the change of pace.

aaa sorry I'd form some sort of more coherent response to this chapter, but aha 10.25 and I haven't showered yet pfft so pardon me. ♥ But thank you for this as usual, and I missed your writing for real!!!

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

I think Ryo would be a mixture of sentiment and realism XD After all, his wheel was clamped!
I missed having you comment <3

[badbatazz.livejournal.com]

somehow this chap make me realise how lonely & insecure ryo is. shige is his pillar.

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Shige definitely became something like that :) thank you!

[ununoriginal.livejournal.com]

oh. oh... oh my heart... i loved this chapter, i think it must be my favourite chapter so far. there's jus something about ryo's character here, his desperate romanticism and the fragile hopefulness he carries about him tat jus tugs at my heartstrings. and ur words and the way u weave them together is still beautiful as always &hearts

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Ryo's such a baby ♥
My words were not impressive in this chapter I'm afraid. I think I'm running out of creative language. Because I'm withered tree with chopped off branches you know.

[praghufanfic.livejournal.com]

O gem, this chapter is so wonderful. It's like seeing Ryo mature through his meetings with Shige, how Shige changes him for the better, and how Shige probably doesnt even know it. You also have your moments of darkness in there where you contrast how Ryo and Shige might have felt which would lead ultimately to their break up, and ugh, thank you! Its gorgeous as always.

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Their relationship is so loaded, I think it would tire out normal people XD

[papercloud.livejournal.com]

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

thank you! :D

[htenywg.livejournal.com]

awwww, Ryo.

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

he's being sweet :D

[binmusic.livejournal.com]

Can't properly formulate a comment! DDD: Brain is overloaded by biochemistry and pyruvate dehydrogenase deficiency. So here goes a lame attempt of epic comment D:

First off, time line was fine. I understood perfectly lol. And god I can't wait for Shige's story. You're revealing more about their relationship, how it started and I just, I really want to squeeze and hug Ryo. This chapter is obviously Ryo-centric since it's still his part of the story, and the way you go through his feelings about Shige and about his life so far, it's sort of sad in a way. Not your usual angst but still with a melancholic air. We know that they don't last and you telling us how Ryo felt with Shige during these moments, how his feelings progressively turned from awkwardness to interest and finally to something he knew could be more, it's sad boo DD:

Loneliness was a state, not a feeling, because feelings come and go but states remain longer than you can fight them.
This is Ryo and his life before Shige and his life after Shige as well. And it's true, for someone like Ryo who doesn't have a family and who runs away from home, loneliness isn't fleeting, it remains and stays with him. I get the feeling from this that loneliness is always a part of Ryo's life, probably even when he was with Shige, it was just dulled then by his happiness.

There was something wonderful hanging just on the edge, he could feel it lingering there, wonderful and tentative and crazy and potentially heartbreaking, and when he looked at Shige he could see the fear of it in Shige's eyes...Looking back now, Ryo thought that was possibly the moment when Shige began fighting.
When you first snippeted this part to me, the last sentence really stuck with me. Shige fighting. I can't be sure because you still haven't revealed Shige's side of the story yet and how he felt about their relationship, but I do remember you alluding to it before that it's always been Shige who fears and anticipates heartbreak. He knows the ramifications of their relationship, the effects it would have on his family and Ryo's career and he's the one who's logical whereas Ryo is the one all passion and emotions. Ack, write more ! Now! :D I am demanding.

Eh, there's probably more I can quote but I've got to get back to arsenic poisoning boo D: I'll talk to you about this when you sign on msn :DD Until then, work on your next chapter! And my smut !

♥ ♥ ♥

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

As always, you hit the nail on the head boo ♥
Shige's so cool, who can blame Ryo for being head over heels?

Are you planning to poison someone?

[rea-irixyu.livejournal.com]

bhfddfh I'm glad this wasn't as sad, Gem. XDDD

Oh, Ryo. Have I mentioned how many times I love your Ryo? Cute, how he's maturing through meeting Shige and how much Shige has changed his life so quickly. XD But I suppose everyone grew after meeting each other, in their own way.


"I'm hanging out with regular guys today so that makes me a regular guy too,"

XDD If only I could meet a regular guy that wonderful <3 -shot-

You know, I was talking to myself about how I wanted to read more of this, and then BOOM. Here it is, right when I got home. =D

I'm lonely too, Ryo ;___;

He kissed Shige and Shige breathed into his mouth, still asleep, and Ryo understood, after twenty three years, how there could be such things as love and mutual possession and joy in the world.

vfhdjbfkgnbgn ;__________________________; -flails-

And the sex was hduaid. It was cute. -shot-

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, regular guys don't come in this shape and size T__T
Thank you babe ♥

[javiera.livejournal.com]

I can easily understand how this piece was so hard to write. The good thing is, the wait was totally worth it. I really liked this one. It didn't leave me with a huge amount of indescribable feelings like the previous ones. I do love to end up with mix feeling about stuff I read or watch, but I also love this simplicity. In a sense, it's a lot more direct, but sweeter too. These are Ryo's feelings, how he views life and relationships, leaving home, getting to know Shige, falling for him. Before, I had the idea that it was a lot more quickly, the comments were always about how fast their relationship evolved, and it did go fast, yes, but it had a pace, one that's *believable*. People DO fall in love like this, with specific encounters and conversations and gestures (the scene waiting for the taxi was *beautiful*!), and when people fall in love like this, it can go two ways, into forever, or a very ugly break up. What Ryo hoped for on one hand, and what Shige saw coming and actually happened on the other.

What makes me wonder is the lack of mention of alcohol in Ryo's musing. He talks about sleeping around and waking up in unfamiliar places, how that became his vice, his addiction. But there's a lot of drinking going around too, and if there's something that's the perfect companion for lonely people, that's alcohol. I wonder how much Ryo drank before Shige, if he always drank himself stupid before going to bed with someone...

Also, because you know by now how Yamapi's part affects me in this story, I'm curious if Ryo realizes that, for someone so incredibly lonely, it's not that common to trust someone to always be there when he needs him. He's not an open guy, I don't see him talking with Pi about Shige easily, or talking much about feelings in general, or about whatever went on in his head *before* Shige, but he trusts Pi WILL answer his phone and WILL pick him up wherever he might be after a one night stand. He certainly doesn't seem to appreciate that helping hand for what it is, but I wonder if he *knows* he trusts Pi to do that for him every single time.

You wrote this chapter very well. I liked every scene for what they are and what they bring in the development of the relationship. I was delighted to see Massu and Tegoshi in this, even if their participation was small (I went all "yay, Massu~" when I saw his name and the mention of his dimples XD). The banter between Shige and Ryo the day after they met was very fun and it gives enough to understand why Ryo got interested in Shige, why he looked for him afterward. The conversation over the phone at two in the morning made me remember conversations *I* have had at that hour with people I care about. And, as I mentioned before, the taxi scene was just, well, perfect. For them AND for the story.

Take your time writing, it's always better not to rush good things. If you take your time eating, you enjoy the food more, right? same goes for books and stories like this ^o^ (of course, that's the case if the food is good in the first place, just as this story is =P)

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Your comment never fails to brighten my day. or week. or month. *___* ILU and your insightful remarks.

Ryo definitely appreciates Yamapi's friendship, but maybe even with all the things Pi has done for him, it's still inadequate. Sad, and if Pi ever feels left out or overlooked, he can't be blamed for it.

I think Massu's dimples would be the first thing anyone notices about him the moment he smiles XD

[raviolikenshin.livejournal.com]

my darling
it's been ages!

what a wonderful thing to wake up to in the morning :) i thought for sure you would update yesterday but i was wrong XD

this chapter was definitely my favorite out of all the chapters so far...mostly because it was so happy ^^ and though shige had no dialogue i could still feel his thoughts trailing after ryo's. it was interesting that his silence could say so much here.

and the entire situation with ryo sleeping around...it was beautiful, and so well thought out, i almost felt like it was myself.

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

It's been ages, I know T_T I've been so uninspired!

Shige and Ryo were totally made for each other, yes? <3

[moonbyrd.livejournal.com]

glsdkfjgskdjfgsdkjfghswomanfjkdhksjfhslkjdfg!!!!

This entire chapter is breathtakingly beautiful. Watching Ryo figure himself out, fall in love, and for the first time really connect with someone he shares his bed with. I love Shige in this, so casual and smart and funny and reluctant. Ryo's persistence is wondrous. The analysis of Shige's friends is brilliant. It showcases Ryo's ability to evaluate people and the lengths he's willing to go to for Shige, even before he realizes how deeply in love he is. Ryo doesn't seem as desperately broken in this chapter; he's functioning, aware of his limitations and hurts and past and doubts, but reaching out. Which makes how this whole thing started just incredibly bittersweet.

I don't know if I love you or want to cry at you for starting my day off like this. You're allowed to take forever if you're going to be this amazing.

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Well, I definitely love you for leaving amazing comments like this *____*
I shall take forever if it means you'll keep saying nice things :DDD does that work?

[clutzynew.livejournal.com]

i like how you wrote it even if it TOOK U A WHOLE MONTHH!!! =DDDD its so calm and smooth everything connects so well =D but i like to see shige top i was like in the beginning when ryo had a sharp pain in his ass i was like yes!!!! ryo bottoms but i guess not >< djfkjdf

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

adhsklcj I'm glad it connects. The flow was what took me a month XD
I suppose Shige tops sometime in their relationship. They have plenty of opportunity to experiment with new things ;)

[gothicauthor.livejournal.com]

T.T Poor darling. This is actually pretty depressing, given how events will eventually play out.

But it is pretty interesting to watch the... I don't know, interplay of their fears as a couple, if that makes any sense? Because what's important to each of them is necessarily mismatched, and. DD: Oh, Ryoshige.

GA

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

It totally makes sense ♥
They're matched and yet their needs are so mismatched. They're all wrong and right at the same time.
They should have just been friends.

[epicwaters.livejournal.com]

D:
I have a feeling by the time I read Shige's point of view, I'm going to think, "your reasons are CRAP!!"
I still feel so awful for Koyama (though I'm a RyoShige fan XD). Sometimes it just doesn't happen for you no matter how much you care.<3
Yoko~~ XDD


Is this the first time I've commented? :O I apologize! I've been reading steadily and I love it. Looking forward to future chapters ^^ Thank you for sharing!

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

T__T Shige had his own problems! He didn't want a relationship and yet Ryo dragged him in kicking and screaming XD

Don't apologise! I'm just glad you commented :D thank you!

[vinyaromeniel.livejournal.com]

*tries collecting her words*

Okay I'm probably failing. haha. I could leave you know a very long comment about how amazing and bittersweet and awesome and just wow this was but.. you know I'm a big fan of your work and waiting this month definitely paid off :)

Aaaaand.. It's kinda awesome. The relationship between Shige and Ryo. What Shige is for Ryo, becomes for Ryo and if I were Ryo it would probably take my breathe away when I thought about how this nameless guy suddenly barked into my life and changed everything and showed me that after all, love DOES exist... In the end it was probably Ryo barking in on Shige's life but.. whatever. laughs. You know what I'm saying :p (just say yes and I'm happy)

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Hahaha YES.

Thank you! :D

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Ryo totally did! :)

[yamapilovergyal.livejournal.com]

*tears of happiness*

O.O

(Y___Y)


LUFF.

♥

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you! :D

[foxeran.livejournal.com]

Of course this was amazing as usual. I adore your Ryo more than words. =] But I do hate how you leave me incoherent after each chapter because there are just so many things that I want to say about how absolutely lovely it is to read this and feel the way that I do because of your writing and I just can't because I have no more words after your Ryo. ♥

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

<333 you still left a lovely comment regardless!
Ryo steals hearts, but I still kind of prefer cool Shige :D

[trivialaffair.livejournal.com]

Why am I always one of the last to get to your awesomeness?

LADKFMALKDFMALDKFMALSDKFMADF:D

::bows::

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

idk, you need to work on being more punctual?

[aikomidori.livejournal.com]

So my plan was that since I will never get first comment to your fics, I will aim for getting the last comment. Yeah. At least no one had to explain to me why that wouldn't work :/

Now for the story - You. Ryo. Shige. This.
You know what, I take back whatever complaints I had about your heartbreaking, tearjerker angst scenes because it's bright, glittering snapshots like these that will make me feel the pain more later ;__; I'm just..After reading this, I feel like whatever assumptions I had about Ryo was too small, too shallow and the significance of Shige in his life was too underestimated. Shige my lovely, your presence shines a little too much (/o\) But Gem, oh Gem, your presence is even brighter ♥

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid you failed in that, babe. -points below-

I would've fallen for Shige too *__* and awww ♥ that line on me totally works. Yes.

[arisa-draconis.livejournal.com]

You updated~

Yay! Ryo is sooooo cute~ As much as I like the Angst fic that you write I love your happy fics as well!!!

Will wait for the next chapter even it takes a month! :)

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I like writing happy stuff too :D

[hannamarionne.livejournal.com]

this is such a wonderful chapter.
it's so calm, peaceful, light.
aww, how ryo fell inlove with shige is soo ~~~.

as always, you're words are so sweet.
it's okay for me to wait another month for a wonderful chapter like this! ^^,

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your sweet comment <3
I have a bad feeling it will take another month!

[mighty-angel.livejournal.com]

this is so cute! ryo is such a lovely lover <3

wish more koyamapi

[crumplelush.livejournal.com]

Hello, I've just discovered this story and I'm wondering if you wrote any more chapters after this one? I'd love to see how it ends.