[eunhyuk/donghae] running blind with eyes wide open [part ten - ii]

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Running Blind With Eyes Wide Open by catskilt
eunhyuk/donghae
pg-13; 4,847 words; multi-chapter
there was a lifetime in each other, if they chose to see it.

part zero; a moment | part one; a past | part two; a denial | part three; a growing up | part four; a togetherness | part five; a separation | part six; a confession | part seven; a quarrel | part eight; a break up | part nine; a falling | part ten; a support



It's two in the morning in Taipei and he has just wrapped up a torturous eight-hour filming wherein nobody in the cast seemed to get anything right and the director almost went off his head, but all the unpleasant memories have been relegated to the back of his mind. It's hard to dwell on bad things when he's in the thick of the Shilin Night Market with Hyukjae and Ryeowook, roaming from one cramped little store to another while chewing away at a humongous piece of Shilin fried chicken that Ryeowook bought after reading about it on an online attractions guide.

"I'm going to have to gym for five hours tomorrow just to make up for this chicken," Donghae complains.

"You only live once," Ryeowook says cheerfully.

"I want to go into this store," Hyukjae says, peering into a store selling all sorts of kinky outfits designed to expose private parts as tantalisingly as possible, but they say no and drag him away in case someone recognises them, takes a photo and uploads it with the caption 'Super Junior are perverts!' And while you are in fact a pervert, Ryeowook points out, there is no reason in exposing it to the public, is there?

"I'm no more perverted than you," Hyukjae says, shocked, and Donghae pulls a stitch in his side with laughing.

They linger over a costume jewellery shop by the roadside because Ryeowook wants to get skull bracelets for his friends. Donghae looks at the rings on display, thinking he could get something for his mum and brother – perhaps something cute and small and quirky that they could have a good laugh over and wear as a family since the bracelet that his mum gave him before debut has long been broken and pushed into a drawer back in the dorm. He picks out a couple of rings, tries them on his fingers, then puts them back down when they don't feel right.

The shop assistant says something to him in Mandarin. He shakes his head and she repeats haltingly in English, "For girlfriend?"

"No, no," he says, but she just laughs and points out a few more rings to him. He's in the midst of trying to explain to her that he's buying it for his mum when Ryeowook and Hyukjae appear beside him, Ryeowook triumphantly carrying his little bag of bracelets. "Rings?" he says. "Who're you buying it for – Andy? That's fast!"

"No," says Donghae, annoyed for a reason he can't understand.

"Yeah," Ryeowook snorts disbelievingly and pokes Hyukjae in the side. "Hyung, come on, let's go look at that store."

He goes off gaily in the direction of a store selling knick knacks and Hyukjae looks between him and Donghae uncertainly. "Um," he says, glancing down at the rings that Donghae's still holding, "take your time. We'll be over there."

He wanders off after Ryeowook before Donghae can say anything. The shop assistant redoubles her efforts at showing him rings that she obviously hopes would appeal to him, but the mood is spoiled. He shakes his hand at her and makes his way slowly over to where Hyukjae and Ryeowook are admiring a particularly gaudy looking clock that has a bird popping out every hour and saying something that sounds like "chippoo." Ryeowook thinks it's beautiful, would make a great addition to the dorm, imagine how irritated Kyuhyunnie would be with it. Hyukjae buys it on that basis alone.

The crowds at the night market have died down into a significantly smaller number of stubborn stragglers when they finally decide that they've wasted enough money on useless things. Hyukjae buys them all cold milk tea from a vendor and they stand by the roadside sipping their tea and comparing purchases. Neither of them ask Donghae about the rings, and so he doesn't have an opportunity to explain clearly that he hadn't been buying couple rings – though he can't figure out why he even feels the need to explain away such a trivial misunderstanding.

"We have full-day variety filming tomorrow," Ryeowook says. "Siwonnie hyung and Donghae hyung get to act all manly and romantic while the rest of us look silly on camera." He pulls a mock long face.

"But you have more fun than we do," Donghae argues. "I want to jet ski too!"

"Only the ugly ones get to have that fun," Hyukjae says, waggling his finger at him.

"I'll kill you," Donghae declares, "after I finish my milk tea."

Hyukjae almost falls onto the road laughing and they have to pull him back for his own safety when a motorcyclist roars past and shouts an insulting-sounding something at him. "Idiot," Donghae gasps, half in terror and half in breathless laughter. "Are you drunk on milk tea?"

"No, he's just drunk on you," Ryeowook says, clearly intending it to be a joke, but Hyukjae pushes his shoulders and chases him down the street and Donghae has to run after them in case they get lost and abandon him at a street corner with nothing but his mostly-empty wallet. They eventually manage to get into a cab, still squabbling and teasing, and stumble back into the dorm as noiselessly as possible until Donghae treads heavily on a manager's leg and Ryeowook drops his bracelets accidentally on the same manager's head and there's a great big commotion until they all safely get back into their rooms and respective beds.

Donghae takes out his phone to text Hyukjae, what the hell was Junghoon hyung doing sleeping on the floor? when he notices several missed calls from Andy's number and a couple of texts asking where he is, how has his day been, call me when you get the chance, I miss your voice.

He contemplates calling back, but in the end he's just too sleepy and so he shoves the phone under his pillow and goes to sleep instead.

… …

The days pass in a fast-paced schedule of filming, hurried lunches, script memorisation, and late night rehearsals with Ivy and Siwon. As predicted, he barely gets to see the other members after their Shilin Night Market interlude – they're busy with filming variety shows and performances, and when he's in bed at irregular hours during the day trying to court sleep before filming starts again, he hears them returning to the dorm, joking and laughing about their shows. He doesn't make a fuss about it because there's no point, this is work and it's silly to complain that you're not spending time with the members when you're the one who has a drama to film, but he feels lonely and left out anyway, and Siwon doesn't help things much by constantly telling him that it's alright, focus on the work, cheer up!

"But I miss hanging out with everyone," he says. "They're always talking about things that I don't understand now."

"It'll be over soon," Siwon says. "Cheer up!"

"You're not helping," Donghae says, a little miffed, and Siwon apologises though it's clear he doesn't really know what he's apologising for.

The next afternoon he wakes up after a quick four-hour nap to find a note by his bedside, written in Hyukjae's messy handwriting, "See you at eight tonight for basketball. I know you're free, cos I checked with Seunghwan hyung. No excuses for absence."

He turns the note over and writes on the back, "Why can't you just text me instead?"

He can't stop smiling the whole day, and as though his mood has a positive effect on his performance, he has fewer NGs than ever before. The director calls it a miracle and can you keep it up please. Seunghwan grins knowingly at him, but doesn't make any comment until they've finished the day's filming and Donghae rushes to the van as soon as they've said their farewells to the staff. "I should get you to play basketball every single day if this is the effect it has on you," Seunghwan remarks.

"Yeah, do it," Donghae says, and doesn't bother correcting him that the basketball is only a small part of it. He heads straight to his room to change when they reach the dorm, and is rewarded by a newly written note next to the one that he'd gotten that morning.

"Because you go gaga over sentimental old-fashioned stuff. And you have a sucky phone."

He sits down on the bed and laughs until Kyuhyun pokes his head in at the door to say, "The others are waiting for you at the court downstairs."

"Aren't you playing too?"

"No, are you nuts? Zhou Mi and I are staying in to play Starcraft."

He's smiling over the note and Kyuhyun's characteristic reply when he runs down to the court and sees Hyukjae warming up with Henry, Sungmin, Ryeowook, Junghoon and Seunghwan. Hyukjae grins at him with an air of conspiracy, and Donghae can't help it – his knees still insist on weakening when Hyukjae smiles at him like that. It's something that he knows he won't be able to get over anytime soon, possibly never, no matter how many years or lovers pass between them and what they used to be.

Siwon joins them a little later and they form up into two teams of four. The night is warm and approaching humid, a number of fans have hunted them down and are filming and screaming at them, but physical activity has never felt so good to Donghae before. Signal, jump, shoot, run, dribble – he does it all with a joy so unbridled that he wonders in passing why he ever feels sad when it takes so little to make him happy. He high fives Hyukjae when he scores a basket, joins the rest in teasing Ryeowook when he avoids the ball, and calls Siwon the NBA star when he scores from what seems very far away.

It's over all too soon, and he finds Hyukjae beside him as they collect the balls and start walking off the court. "I hope you're not bushed," Hyukjae says. "There's somewhere I want to take you to."

"What, like now?"

"Yes, while we're all sweaty like that and a hundred fans are watching us," Hyukjae says, rolling his eyes. "Take a shower. We leave in half an hour."

"Dictator," Donghae says, but smiles despite himself and Hyukjae smiles back.

In half an hour, they're dressed in nondescript clothes and heading out to the "somewhere" in a cab with a driver who can surprisingly speak conversational Korean. He doesn't know who they are and they don't volunteer the information, but he tells them that he works the night shift and they should call him whenever they want to go out at night. Hyukjae asks him where they should go and he's telling them about nightclubs (which Hyukjae tells him are out of the equation), all-night cafes, cycling along river paths, night hiking, night markets. His daughter works at one of the parks, he says, and pretty soon he's telling them all about his family; his wife (a Korean whom he'd learned the language from) who's sick with cancer and mostly bedridden, his eldest son who's married and working in electronics, his second son who's still studying and hoping to win a scholarship to England, his daughter who has a boyfriend who's a gang member. He's barely finished with his lament when they reach "somewhere", but Hyukjae says they'll call him again maybe for a coffee when they're free, and that makes him happy because he "likes practicing his Korean".

They take down his handphone number and scramble out of the cab. "Where are we?" Donghae asks.

"We're going prawning!" Hyukjae announces cheerfully, leading him through a patch of grass and several broken stones to the prawning pools. "We did this for a variety show, and I was thinking that you would've liked it! So I got the name of this place from Junghoon hyung."

Donghae looks at him and says, "I'll catch all the king prawns."

"I'll catch the emperor ones."

"I'll catch more than you."

"It's about quality, not quantity."

"I'm a Mokpo boy, you know. Fishing is in my blood."

"But it's never gone any further than that," Hyukjae quips, and Donghae tugs his hair in retaliation.

There are a few small families, one or two couples, and groups of guys clustered around the pools with their rods. Hyukjae and Donghae choose a spot a little away from the others even though it doesn't seem like anyone's going to pay attention to them. Hyukjae buys worms and not-so-skilfully baits the lines, much to Donghae's amusement, but they finally get to throw out their lines and settle down to wait for a bite.

"When did you plan all this?" Donghae asks, fiddling with his rod.

Hyukjae shrugs. "Siwonnie told me that you were feeling lonely. I figured that you would, anyhow."

Donghae swallows a little. "I know it's dumb of me."

"What's so dumb about it?" Hyukjae says. "You get lonely even at home, when you're surrounded by like a hundred people every day. What more so now that we're in a different country and you hardly get to see us at all?"

"You really do know me best."

Hyukjae chortles. "Of course. I haven't spent ten years within your vicinity without learning a fair bit about you."

They manage to catch eighteen prawns between them in the three hours that they spend prawning, and decide to barbeque them on the spot for a late night snack. Donghae tells Hyukjae about the filming, about his various NGs and how the director has started putting his hands over his face whenever Donghae makes yet another mistake. Hyukjae laughs and makes a few teasing remarks. Donghae tells him about how he and Siwon are beginning to like the staff a lot, how one of the staff members has a tremendous crush on Siwon and giggles whenever he talks to her, how Ivy is sweet but absolutely professional because she's scared that the fans might hate on her. Hyukjae nods while skewering the prawns, feeds him a bit of the cooked ones, and Donghae vows that they're the best-tasting prawns he has ever had except that they would taste better with some butter and garlic. Hyukjae says he'll come better prepared next time. Then Donghae talks about his brother's plans to open a business in Taiwan, about his mum's latest email from Mokpo, about his ex-schoolmate getting married in the fall to a much older woman. He doesn't mention Andy at all, partly because Hyukjae doesn't ask and mostly because Andy doesn't enter his thoughts. When he finally finishes talking, his mouth is dry and all the prawns are gone and he feels better than he has in weeks.

"Let's go get milk tea now," he says.

"You're crazy," Hyukjae says, giving him a look of disgust. "I'm about to fall asleep right here and you want to go get milk tea?"

"Fine, fine," Donghae says, pouting a bit. "Be that way."

But they stop by a milk tea shop on the way home to get Donghae his fix anyway. Hyukjae doesn't want one, content to sip a little from Donghae's straw, and Donghae suddenly thinks, I love him, I don't know what kind of love it is, but I love him simply because he's Lee Hyukjae and he's the person he is.

They part ways unceremoniously when they get to the dorms. Hyukjae isn't a demonstrative person, never has been, and anyway they're only friends now, so Donghae doesn't feel slighted. He goes to bed with a warm, happy feeling around his heart, and sleep comes fast and deep.

Nothing changes about their way of life in Taiwan, except that from then on, Hyukjae leaves handwritten notes by his bedside that he wakes up to every day. They aren't about anything much; just little stories about the members' antics during their variety filming, invitations to go for coffee with the cab driver whom Hyukjae has made fond acquaintances with, silly, badly-written poems about their lives in Taipei, fun facts about the members back home if there was a phone call from Jungsu that day. A couple of them simply say "good morning, Lee Donghae".

He keeps every single one of them.

… …

A fortnight before they leave for Seoul, Andy unexpectedly turns up in Taipei. He calls Donghae from the airport, says he'll be staying at the Sheraton for a week and would Donghae please come to see him when he's able to. Then he hangs up and it takes Donghae about three hours to get over the astonishment.

He meets Andy that evening. Andy looks happy, tanned, in good shape. "Gareth is gonna be fine," he says. "He'll still take a long time yet to recover, but eventually he's going to be fine. He's a lucky little bastard. I told him so."

"That's great!" Donghae says, genuinely pleased.

"I thought I'd pop by and see you on the way back to Seoul," Andy says. "I've missed you, you asshole-who-doesn't-return-my-calls. How soon can we get dinner over and done with so we can go back to my hotel room and have sex?"

"What, are you that impatient?"

"I haven't had sex in months," Andy whines. "My ass is going to malfunction if I don't get some within, say, the next one hour. Anyway, I've been working out whenever I've had the chance. You're going to like my new abs."

"You idiot," Donghae laughs. And though he's not really in the mood to fuck – he's still tired from the filming and he really just wants to go home to see what's today's note from Hyukjae (it's scary, really, how quickly those notes have become the centre of his existence in Taiwan) – it's evident that Andy has missed him a lot and spending their first night of reunion apart seems like a mean thing to do. So he goes for a quick dinner with Andy at a Korean restaurant and agrees to inform Junghoon that he'll be spending the night at the Sheraton. Junghoon texts saying to be sure to have safe sex and he'll pick him up at seven the next morning for filming.

He wakes up early with Andy draped over him, snoring. There isn't anything to wear except Andy's clothes, so he picks out the most conservative clothes he can find – quite a problem considering Andy's taste for flair – and arrives at the lobby in time to catch Junghoon's morning ride.

Junghoon looks at him weirdly when he steps into the car.

"What?" Donghae asks.

"Nothing," Junghoon says, but Donghae has a feeling that it has something to do with his red flared pants.

Filming ends at four and Andy's waiting to go out shopping with him, so he makes a quick dash to the dorm to shower and change. The dorm is empty. He heads for his bedside table, but the only note there is from yesterday morning with his written reply – "I have this evening free. Let's go out for beef noodles.". He's disappointed until he notices Hyukjae's scrawled reply beneath, "OK."

Fuck, he thinks, fuck fuck.

He writes another note, "Sorry for yesterday. A friend turned up without first telling me that he was coming. We'll go for beef noodles again when we're free, ok?" and takes a moment to wonder why he feels so sick at heart when he owes nothing to Hyukjae and Hyukjae owes nothing to him and everyone knows that you can drop everything without blame when your significant other shows up to surprise you.

It's fine, he tells himself. Andy's here. Focus on that. He came all the way here to spend time with you. Focus on that.

So he does.

… …

Of course, life always has to ensure that when you're in a sticky situation, what comes after that gets much, much stickier. He's in the lift lobby of the dorm waiting to take the elevator up, hair still mussed from two hours of sex with Andy, clothes rumpled, not smelling very good. Andy's due back in Seoul today, and Donghae is looking forward to getting his nights of sleep back – not that he dislikes being with Andy, not at all, but it's exhausting to have to put his all into his work and then to put his all into spending time with someone as energetic and enthusiastic as Andy. It feels that ever since Andy came back from California, he's been particularly clingy and needy, wanting to spend every waking (and sleeping) hour together, and while Donghae knows that he's needy and clingy himself, nobody has actually behaved the same way to him before. His family isn't needy; Hyukjae has never been; and he doesn't quite know how to pamper and cater to someone else's whims with as much patience and tolerance as his family and members do to his.

I'm a bad person, he thinks, and looks up at the sound of someone's steps to see Hyukjae standing at the entrance of the lift lobby, looking very much like he wants to be somewhere else.

"Good morning," Hyukjae says awkwardly, glancing at his mussed hair and rumpled clothes, and Donghae suddenly feels very, very self-conscious and very, very angry at himself.

"Coming back from schedule?" he asks a little too loudly, and cringes at the sound of his voice.

"Ah…no," Hyukjae says. "I went for a morning jog."

"Oh," says Donghae, and falls silent. He can't think of a single thing to say. Or, actually, he can – such as, Andy's gone back to Seoul, so we can go out for beef noodles when you're free, and Why have you stopped leaving me notes?, but nothing seems appropriate to say out loud. He blushes instead, awkwardly and painfully when Hyukjae steps closer to him to wait for the lift and he's sure that Hyukjae can smell the scent of sex on his body – of course Hyukjae would be able to identify it, it's a familiar scent to him – and he wants Hyukjae to say something to defuse the atmosphere, but Hyukjae doesn't. The lift moves so slowly that he wants to scream at it – are there elephants getting on it on the 13th floor? How could any lift move this slowly? And they continue waiting there in silence, Hyukjae scooting back to lean against the wall, Donghae standing with his eyes lowered and his hands in his pockets.

He chances a peek over his shoulder. Hyukjae's eyes are on his phone, his fingers tapping out what seems to be a continuous conversation to somebody, and Donghae blushes again in an agony of self-embarrassment. How could he have thought that his influence over Hyukjae is great enough that Hyukjae would actually care about him having sex with Andy? Hyukjae probably isn't even thinking about him. Had probably stopped leaving the notes because he'd forgotten and anyway, Donghae had rarely been in the dorm the past week. Hyukjae is practical like that.

The lift finally arrives, unloading a family with three toddlers. Hyukjae smiles at them, waves to the young parents, and Donghae wonders when Hyukjae had become friends with their neighbours. How does he become friends with everyone within reach? How many coffee sessions with their friendly cab driver has he missed out on?

"Have you guys been busy?" he asks at last when the silence gets too overwhelming.

"A bit," Hyukjae says. "It's slowing down."

"I finish filming on Wednesday."

"Yeah?" Hyukjae says with a note of polite inquiry in his voice, staring straight ahead at the door.

"I…I was thinking, maybe we can call Kyuhyunnie and Ryeowookie…and anyone else…and we can go out for barbeque…?"

For a moment it seems like Hyukjae will say no, but he lets out a little breath and something in him relents. He turns to look at Donghae with a smile. "Sure," he says. "We should have some fun before going back to Korea."

"Yes," says Donghae, his heart thumping in relief. "I've missed you all."

"It's alright," says Hyukjae. "We're still here."

Just before they exit the lift, Donghae reaches out to grip Hyukjae's shoulder. He's startled at how tense they are, and Hyukjae flinches away in shock almost immediately, but Donghae holds on firmly. "Thank you for being there for me when I needed it," he says.

"It's alright," Hyukjae says again. "We're always here for you, you know. Any of the others would've done the same. Even Kyuhyunnie, even though he tries to act cool."

Yes, Donghae wants to say, anyone would've done the same, but only you did it for me. You were the only one who noticed and understood and did what you could to help me.

He wishes he could wrap his arms around Hyukjae's waist, say a few cute things to him, watch Hyukjae's face break into the exasperated, fond, indulgent smile that he shows only for him. But Hyukjae's shoulders are still tense and Donghae knows him well enough to tell that he really isn't enjoying this physical contact, so he lets him go and steps back.

Kyuhyun's in the sitting room when they walk in. He looks up and his face changes a little when he sees Donghae in all his post-coital glory. Donghae mutters a quick apology before dashing for the bathroom to wash off all traces of the night before.

When he comes out again, freshly attired and smelling of soap, Kyuhyun and Hyukjae are seated side by side playing Starcraft. Hyukjae's laughing, his eyes sparkling as he exchanges banter with Kyuhyun and invites Donghae to join them, and nothing seems changed. Hyukjae gets warmer towards him as the day goes on, and Donghae feels again that they can do this, they can really be friends again; true, genuine, intimate friends.

He remembers his old vow that he would always be by Hyukjae's side as simply and surely as his right hand.

And I will be, he tells himself. I will always be here for him, just as he is for me. I will care for him as he cares for me. Even if it's only as a friend, I will do whatever it takes to make him happy.

When he reaches out this time to nudge Hyukjae playfully, Hyukjae doesn't flinch away.

… …

In August, Youngsky and Peter from One Way write a song for Donghae's solo performance during their new concert tour. He tries it out by himself once, then asks Hyukjae to perform it with him because, as he puts it in his pitch, "two of us are better than one of me."

"Don't you want to have something that belongs entirely to you?" Hyukjae asks.

"I want something that's good," Donghae says, "and I think it'll be awesome if you do it with me."

Hyukjae laughs and gives in. He says that it's because he knows a good song when he hears it, but Donghae knows that he's been secretly dying to give this song a go. It's called 'Oppa Has Risen', and they have so much fun mucking around in the studio while recording it and then mucking around in the dance studios working on the choreography that Chance remarks to Donghae that he's never seen Donghae so happy with anyone before, not even with Andy, whom Donghae's still dating but seeing less and less after their big quarrel two months ago when he'd voiced his annoyance about Andy's neediness.

"I can't believe you," Andy had said. "I come back wanting to spend more time with you because I've realised how precious time is after what happened with Gareth, and you're telling me that I'm too needy?"

"Yes!" Donghae had said bluntly. "You're barely giving me any space, and I will go mad if you keep this up!"

"Maybe," Chance says now, "you should consider being with your teammate…hm? Seems like you don't have a problem spending 24/7 with him."

"Hm," Donghae replies noncommittally, not wanting to explain that he had been with Hyukjae for years and it hadn't worked out in the end, and Chance drops the subject because he's a sensitive guy and knows when he's pushing too far.

So they concentrate purely on having fun for 'Oppa Has Risen'. It's a huge success at the Seoul concerts and the management decides to make it into a full-blown digital single with promos. It's the best news that Donghae has received in his entire work life, all the more so because this is a song that he has worked on with friends, not some melody composed by people he doesn't know, bought by the company and handed down to him. This is something of himself and Hyukjae, their song and their work, and whenever he hears it he can barely stop himself from jumping onto a seat and shouting out to the world that they have risen, they're going to show everyone what Donghae and Eunhyuk can do together.

Except that in December, he makes a discovery that feels like an entire flurry of iron-fisted punches to his gut.


previous: part ten (i); a support | next: part eleven (i); a loyalty

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

"Except that in December, he makes a discovery that feels like an entire flurry of iron-fisted punches to his gut."

And that is? Hyukjae dating someone?

;~;

[bioticengineer.livejournal.com]

LOST MY SHIT. It's always this pushing and pulling and Donghae make up your mind i am goddamn tired what you want. hyukjae i will slap you what do you really want is this really how exboyfriends are with each other I AM SO DONE BOTH OF YOU.

ugh gem what is coming next i am not prepared for anything!!!!!

[rurouneko.livejournal.com]

i can't remember what happened on december 2011 omg
as far as i remember what will happen next after oppa oppa promos are:
wgm - gda 2012 - ss4 tours - IU's appearance on strong heart and gossips of hyuk dating

is it correct nn
*edit bcos idk what i'm writing orz typos

[rurouneko.livejournal.com]

.....apparently i missed one more event.

hyuk's fame musical?

i'll wait patiently for your update :^D

[loveroscruffo.livejournal.com]

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT define having a reader at the edge of their seats because of a cliffhanger WOW

one thing i really really love about this whole story is how it is in tune with the timeline of reality. and having said that, i seriously cant wait to see whatever part of reality that comes after this timeframe will bring forth this "flurry of iron-fisted punches to [his] gut". i am deathly curious omg T.T

great update as usual, and until the next one! <3

[(Anonymous)]

I feel like it's about IU and Hyukjae's issue.

[piggybunny12.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh that cliffhanger was so painful!!! The notes thing is soooo cute and I think we are so well-planted in Donghae's head that it was just making me so happy for their interactions to improve and I really liked the Andy thread last chapter and now he just makes me uncomfortable...really great, engaging chapter and I don't want it to end but I also just want everyone to be happy!! :P

[alleycat08.livejournal.com]

I look forward to your updates so freakin much.. The way you tell then story is amazing, I can picture it actually happening this way.

I can't believe you left us with a cliffie!!! I really really hope the boys makeup soon coz I don't like them apart but I have the feeling were going to have to wait till SJMs next comeback for them to makeup (I'm just thinking of all the fan service they gave during the SJM fan meets)

Like a few have already mentioned.. Is Hyuk dating IU?? Or they did date and have broken up but Hae finds out when IU tweets the pic??

Keep up the awesome work.. Your story is by far my fav.. :)

[undiisclosed.livejournal.com]

Loved this chapter, thanks for dating!

[brattygurl2011.livejournal.com]

I'm guessing that Hae finds out that Hyuk is dating IU. I remember that's when Hyuk was really fangirling over IU at the year end shows.

These two idiots are dating people to help them forget each other but they don't really love who they are dating. I actually feel sorry for Andy. He really seems to like Hae a lot, and not that Hae doesn't like Andy, but he just doesn't like Andy as much as Andy likes him. I don't know how Hae could date Andy for so long, it's been at least 4-6 months if not longer, when all he thinks about is Hyuk, his notes, his smile, etc, and it's not fair to Andy. The one thing I do like about Hae dating Andy is now he knows how much patience Hyuk had when dealing with clingy and childish Hae.

When Hyuk and Hae are in Taiwan, without the constant reminders of Andy, Hyuk tries to bring back the friendship they once had before they lost sight of it because of their broken relationship. They start to act like the best friends they once were, with slight romantic undertones of their previous relationship. Hyuk knows that Hae is lonely and feels left out and would rather be with the members, even though the others are envious of Hae's and Siwon's opportunity to be in a drama. Then Andy returns and throws their friendship back into that awkward phase, reminding them that they were fooling themselves thinking they could have a friendship with intimate undertones and not let it affect them. Hae and Hyuk were probably lulled into this dream that they could go back to how it was before then Andy's return brought them back to reality, a reality that Hae doesn't want to face which is why he's mad at Andy for no reason. And Andy's return brought Hyuk back to reality that Hae isn't his anymore and that Hae is in a relationship so any sense that they would go back to how they were was just a dream.

The most difficult thing about a break up is the next relationship. If you still love the person after a break up and someone asks you out then it's difficult to know if you should date or not. You don't want to use the person to get over the ex-boyfriend, but at the same time the new person may help you forget the ex-boyfriend and even be better for you. The new person might be who you should really be with but you don't know until you try dating again. So I can't blame Hae for dating Andy when it seems that he and Hyuk may never get back together because Hae wants to love and be loved, and why should he stay single and wait for something that may not happen and possibly miss the opportunity to meet someone who makes him feel as special or even more special than when he was with Hyuk. But at the same time there's something about the way that Hae treats his relationship with Andy that I don't like. I can't really put it into words - maybe that Hae doesn't take it seriously, like he knows it's temporary until he can be with Hyuk again, or maybe that Hae continues to date Andy when he knows that Andy isn't the one to make him forget Hyuk or the one that's better than Hyuk. I don't know what it is about Hae and how he treats his relationship with Andy that I don't like, but there's something there that I can't put into words.

And if the thing that punches Hae in the gut is Hyuk dating IU or anyone else then I can only say that's probably how Hyuk felt when he found out that Hae was dating Andy. Hae isn't the only one to get that punch to the gut. The thing with Hae is that he wouldn't realize that Hyuk felt that same way about Hae and Andy dating. And that's what I can't stand about Hae in this story: how Hae has known Hyuk for years, they even dated each other, and Hae even thinks that Hyuk is the love of his life, but he doesn't seem to understand what Hyuk is going through AT ALL, what Hyuk feels or wants, while Hyuk knows exactly how Hae feels, needs and wants. What Hae thinks Hyuk is feeling is almost the exact opposite of what Hyuk is really feeling, how is that?! Is Hae that self-involved that he can't relate to Hyuk at all? He didn't see or feel that Hyuk was going through something monumental when Hyuk's friend was blackmailing him yet Hyuk is able to know that a friendly game of basketball would lift Hae's spirits. Sometimes I wonder why Hyuk wants to date someone like Hae.

[lamppy.livejournal.com]

Hey, I just wanted to say that your comment makes so much sense that it hurts haha :D I agree almost with everything, but I think you judge Donghae bit too hard here. It is true that Donghae is more on oblivious site most of the time, but it also true that Donghae is a open book, and he's always been like this - it's one of the reasons why they broke up in the first place, because Donghae couldn't control his feelings. And so, it's easier for Hyukjae to read him , because he has everything written on his face. And Hyukjae is a very careful person; he does so much for Donghae, like trying to be his best friend and support him, not showing his jealousy if he feels it, but it's not like Donghae's hurting him with anything. He doesn't talk about Andy or try to force Hyukjae to like Andy or anything like that. He even distanced himself from Hyukjae after a final break up, and Hyukjae was the one who approached him again, showing him that he is ready for this friendship again.

And also there is this one scene in the elevator when Donghae feels awful for his after-sex state and that Hyukjae can see it. Doesn't it show that he is aware of this weird tension on Andy (or dating next person in general) subject? He even feels stupid to think that Hyukjae cares, because Hyukjae doesn't seem to care... Or like this one moment when he was buying rings and they jumped to conclusions that they are for Andy. He wanted to explain, but he didn't have a chance, since Hyukjae gives him no reason to.
You know, I think that Donghae grew up so much through the story and those messy decisions he make are not always bad. In the end, I don't think Hyukjae would love him if he was more like Hyukjae himself; if he was any different than he already is.

[brattygurl2011.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize that other people read my comments. I don't read other people's comments so I never thought that other people would read my comments. I really appreciated your thoughts on my comments. And because you commented on my comment, be prepared for another rambling session....

Yeah, you're right Hae is more of an open book so it's easier for Hyuk to read him, but just because Hyuk is a little more careful that doesn't mean that Hae shouldn't be able to understand someone he's been best friends with for over 10 years. I'm not saying that Hae has to know exactly what Hyuk is thinking or anything but I wish Hae would be a little more clued in to how Hyuk feels. My best friend isn't always open with her feelings, but that doesn't mean I can't read her or know what she's feeling. I'm sure I'm being too harsh on Hae, but I can't help it sometimes because he just doesn't seem to be tuned into how other people are really feeling. I know this is a fictional story but it does make me think of the real life story that Teuk and Hyuk told on Strong Heart when Teuk got mad because Hae was pouring water on his face when Teuk was sleeping during a break and Hae couldn't tell that Teuk was really getting upset and he couldn't read the situation so he kept on pouring water on Teuk until he exploded. And sometimes parts of this story makes me think of that real life story where Hae is oblivious of his surroundings. So I guess Gem is writing Hae's character pretty much dead on to his real character - ha ha!

Hae did feel awkward at the elevators and he knew that Hyuk felt awkward too so he was able to read that situation, and he doesn't talk about Andy for Hyuk's sake, but that's not my problem. I guess I was hoping that he would know Hyuk better than to think that Hyuk doesn't care anymore. I guess I was hoping that Hae is a mind-reader and would know that Hyuk doesn't actually feel that way even though that's the way Hyuk tries to act. I know it's ridiculous and unfair of me to want Hae to read Hyuk's mind, but it's how I felt when I read the story.

I don't know why Hyuk had to give Hae a reason to explain the rings. If Hae wanted to explain it, he could have brought it up himself. I guess that's what bugged me. He makes it seem that there was no way to explain the rings unless Hyuk brings it up first.

I agree that Hae grew up a lot since the start of the story and I even said so in previous comments, and I think he'll mature even more. And don't get me wrong, I don't think Hae is hurting Hyuk purposely or intentionally. And you're probably right that Hyuk loves Hae for all of the things that I just complained about and he probably wouldn't love Hae if he were too similar to himself.

But all in all, yes, I probably am being too harsh with Hae and I should give him a break, but I can't promise anything, it'll depend on how Gem writes the next chapter and what she'll make Hae do.

I think my reply to your comment is longer than my original comment!

[donghaelips.livejournal.com]

"Hyukjae grins at him with an air of conspiracy, and Donghae can't help it – his knees still insist on weakening when Hyukjae smiles at him like that. It's something that he knows he won't be able to get over anytime soon, possibly never, no matter how many years or lovers pass between them and what they used to be." Ah this line, I loved it so much really. When you truly love someone, even a gaze of him or her at you can still make you feel like this no matter what happens.

Well, an amazing update again. I swear I was shaking with excitement when I saw your update. This story is the only one which can make me feel like this, the love I have for this is indescribable really. I'm glad they weren't awkward at first in Taipei, when Donghae was looking at rings and Wook assumed it was for Andy, there were no awkwardness at all and I guess it's because Hyukjae is trying really hard. He doesn't show any kind of annoyance and also he doesn't even question Donghae about Andy. He behaves as if Andy isn't a character between Donghae and him although he does have concerns about it. I'm sure of it.

When Andy surprised Donghae and made him stay and spend time together, Donghae's mind was always with Hyukjae but he wasn't being selfish and he stayed with Andy and his behaviour made me proud of him. I'm really proud of Hyukjae too, cause he controls himself very well even though he knows Donghae is with Andy and he spent his time with Andy that night instead of him. And I can imagine his sadness and despair at that moment. It's not easy to see that the person you love is carrying on with someone else. But actually Hae isn't carrying on too. Ah these two seriously..

After all, I thought they were okay and fixing their friendship, their old relationship actually and oppa oppa times was helping but then the last line. Fuck, THE LAST LINE. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt the pain, really lmao. Such a cliffhanger but I guess it's gonna be about IU cause Hyuk looked like he was really interested in her at those times when they were still performing and promoting oppa oppa. I love angst so much but I know you won't make them suffer a lot! Anyway this comment is the longest shit I've ever written for some fic, but this isn't some fic anyways, *sighs* forgive me for this shitty comment haha I luv u <3

[flameflowerful.livejournal.com]

imagine how irritated Kyuhyunnie would be with it. Hyukjae buys it on that basis alone.

;_; a lot of this is how the suju members stick together and sometimes looks out for each other and make fun of each other

and hguahdkghaldjfghh ughhhhhhhhh we r still waiting for them to get their acts together ahha

[dalankar.livejournal.com]

It's so nice to see them getting close again. It was very painful in the past few chapters when things were so awkward! But then the bombshell at the end!! You sure know how to keep us in suspense :D

[lamppy.livejournal.com]

Oh my... HYUKJAE I LOVE YOU!

He is temporarily my bias! He was soooo lovely in this part! It's funny how he can become more sweet and open when they are not together. When they were in relationship he had to be the more reserved one, the more careful one, the one who holds Donghae before he has chance to do something stupid with his flaming feelings. But when they became friends, Hyukjae is a really good one. The notes he was leaving for Donghae were just perfect idea, you know? They were sweet and lovely, but not too romantic or whatever. He just knew what to do, and he is wonderful and I love him.

Donghae on the other hand is a fool. I feel bad for him, because he clearly doesn't know what he is doing. It was nice to see eunhae on such intimate and good terms, but Donghae obviously is lost again. Of course, it's hard to blame him that he doesn't feel as much about Andy as he should but it doesn't lead to anything good when he is torn between his special feelings for Hyukjae and new developed affection for Andy. It feels like he's hurting everybody in the process.

I don't know about this cliffhanger thing, but I already feel bad for Donghae. But maybe it will be good for him, he clearly needs to get to his senses. It will be Hyukjae in romantic relationship, won't it? Well, Donghae has one, so he should be happy with Andy who is trying to be everything that Donghae needs. I don't know why I'm so angry at him after this part... I wanted him to be happy, but he doesn't even trying to be happy without Hyukjae, so he's stupid and arghhhhh!

It actually helps to know that they will get together in the future again, I just hope that he will be as good and concrete friend for Hyukjae as Hyukjae was for him when he needed that. (Please, don't make him stupid anymore!)

[zephyral.livejournal.com]

oh god, i spent most of this part capslocking at my friend and trying not to tear my hair outttt. odg donghae donghae you tragic thing, still in love with hyuk but being the good boyfriend to andy and trying to keep hyukjae in the friend box but failing so even andy sorta notices. it kinda isn't fair to andy tbh, like i sort of want to visit him in his sleep and hypnotize him into breaking up with donghae and finding a better guy out there who will give him his whole heart and life and soul and secrets, cos donghae belongs to hyukjae. even if they both haven't actually figured it out yet.

and hyukjae. i never know what hyukjae is thinking. he's so bottled up tight and unreadable and it's so wonderful the way he treats donghae. so sensitively, because they know each other so well ((can i just say the /notes/ omg the /notes/)) ((and the supper that donghae misses omg ;;;;)) and i really really loved how they are rebuilding their friendship.

the last line broke my heart and i'm kinda screamy and mad at the cliffhanger omg you sure know how to write your cliffhangers creys. IS HYUKJAE DATING SOMEONE?? i think hyuk /is/ dating, and then maybe hae will feel what hyuk felt and maybe they'll both realize that they cannot be apart and i saw you promised on twitter it's the last heartbreak so like i'm hopeful for good things after that.

....i just reread everything and it's so incoherent ide. but yes this part left me incoherent and conflicted and a;lshgalskdjf;aldhgkasjfas.

your eunhae are so complex and complicated and interesting and human and we could plop this story into the middle of their real lives and i think it'd meld seamlessly.

i love your writing and i absolutely love love love this fic <3

[apieceofsilver.livejournal.com]

I felt so hurt for Hyukjae when Donghae forgot their noodle time. (that sounded a bit wrong.........)

But really, the recent chapters have been so teasing. /screams and pulls at own hair
It's about to climax and the anticipation is driving me crazy! XD

[steeel-magnolia.livejournal.com]

Call me a sadist but i like how donghae ignores Andy's sweet texts and calls but keeps every single one of hyukjae's dumb notes and messages. And i can tell donghae does care for Andy but he doesn't invest too much of his emotions into the relationship does he. I do think they are incompatible :>

Wahahahahaaa

and that last sentence,.... i am trembling with anticipation

[rbroob.livejournal.com]

please don't put IU in this T^T i don't hate her or anything it's just that i read fafics to ignore the fact that they might have dated

[jewelf-13.livejournal.com]

december 2011??it must have been something to do with IU...isn't it~
it's kinda disappointing if i'm correct coz i expect for hyukjae to date a man
and you just dunno how mad i was knowing hae is dating that guy
hyukjae even knew about that,,how come he still keep his calm,,i wonder
i swear he still loves donghae and hey,,there is kyuhyun too....
he's really close to hyukjae especially during taiwan's promo in 2011
but december 2011...i dunno anymore since kyuhyuk couple started way earlier than that
it must be eunhyuk-iu thing.... T___T *even though i like this couple a lil bit to nothing
but donghae...you have to accept this entire flurry of iron-fisted punches to your gut
you started dating someone first..when you know hyukjae had nothing serious with that chinese guy

[(Anonymous)]

Please update soon. It's been a while since you last updated. ;~;

[(Anonymous)]

Please update already ;~;

[(Anonymous)]

I know you're probably super busy, so I really don't wanna pressure you about updating (it probably gets annoying), but can you please please please let us know around when you'll be posting? I literally check twice a day lol
<3

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

I'll be updating it tomorrow. :)