[eunhyuk/donghae] running blind with eyes wide open [part nine - i]

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Running Blind With Eyes Wide Open by catskilt
eunhyuk/donghae
nc-17; 3,600 words; multi-chapter
there was a lifetime in each other, if they chose to see it.

part zero; a moment | part one; a past | part two; a denial | part three; a growing up | part four; a togetherness | part five; a separation | part six; a confession | part seven; a quarrel | part eight; a break up | part nine; a falling



part nine; a falling

They read about Hankyung's resignation from the group in the newspapers two days after it happens. It's like a cut to the throat. Or maybe a knife in the back, says Kyuhyun in those first bitter, disbelieving hours.

Jungsu and Shindong take turns trying to contact Hankyung on the phone. Heechul is the only one who gets through. They tele-talk for an hour in the privacy of Heechul's room while everyone tries to guess what's happening: it's a misunderstanding, the newspapers are exaggerating the details, all Hankyung needs is a sabbatical and he'll be back, there isn't going to be any lawsuit business. Dongbang is already providing more than their fair share of tabloid fodder – Suju doesn't need to jump onto this particular bandwagon. They believe, naively, more because they don't want to face the truth than anything else, that it's a misunderstanding. Then Heechul comes out of his room after that hour, his face set and strained, and tells them that the newspapers are right. Hankyung has resigned from the group and isn't coming back.

The remaining SJ-M members fly to Beijing to fulfil one last obligation before the company halts all SJ-M activities. It's a solemn, cheerless affair, and they return to Seoul after a couple of days on a bumpy, late-night flight that has Ryeowook puking in the airport toilet after it lands. Donghae tries to avoid looking at Henry and Zhou Mi – the apprehension and disappointment on their faces are almost too much to bear. If SJ-M is put on an indefinite hiatus, what will happen to them without a proper group to fall back on? That, he thinks, should really have been something that Hankyung should have considered before pulling his little party trick.

Not that being an official Suju member is any real comfort now. The newspapers are having a field day, the netizens are having a ball of a time finding new ways of hating them, and worst of all – the atmosphere in the dorms is tense, verging on the tip of an explosion. Heechul has moved out of the dorm temporarily because, as he puts it bluntly, "this group is driving me insane". Jungsu and Shindong seem to be engaging in a silent war, and Hyukjae explains that it's because Jungsu had seemed to think that the best move was to remain cheerful and pretend that everything was going to be fine. He'd kept up the pretence until Shindong told him that his laughter was getting on everyone's nerves. Avoidance never helped anyone, Shindong said, and Jungsu had retorted that sitting around with long faces doesn't help anything either, or haven't you noticed that nothing about this situation is going to change and so we might as well deal with it as best we can instead of sulking?

It ended with Jungsu and Jongwoon giving Shindong the cold shoulder, Shindong disappearing frequently from the dorm once his work appointments are over, and Heechul practically non-existent. Donghae wants to interfere, but Hyukjae says that it's best not to get involved when the hyungs are all so angry.

"But we can't let things go on like this," Donghae argues. "We're going to disband."

"We're not," Hyukjae says irritably. "It's not that bad."

Donghae stares at him. "Youngwoon hyung is in exile and Hankyung hyung wants to sue the company, and you say that it's not that bad? Hyukjae, two of us have left within less than two months, it means that there has to be something wrong!"

"I know, okay?" Hyukjae says. "You don't have to point it out to me, god. It's not like I don't know what's happening."

"Don't argue," says Sungmin pacifyingly. "It's enough that the hyungs are all fighting. We don't have to add to the chaos. The important thing now is to pull together and get through this as a group."

Donghae keeps quiet after that, and outwardly they maintain some semblance of peace. There's still work to do, after all, whether or not the sky has crumbled on them. There's money that they have to make; contracts that they have to fulfil. There are concert dates in Taipei, Shanghai, Kuala Lumpur, Manila – they can't afford to collapse if they don't want event organisers filing lawsuits too. Jungsu and Shindong patch up out of pure necessity; Heechul forces himself to come out to perform as requested. Their concert in Taipei is emotional, as expected, and when they return to Seoul, Heechul goes straight back to his apartment and ignores all their calls.

"Feels like he might leave the group, too," says Kyuhyun, and even though they hate hearing that, nobody can find enough confidence to contradict him. Heechul's always been a maverick, unpredictable and fiery, and nobody puts it past him to march into the company's office one morning and demand to be released from the group.

Hyukjae's so busy with the concerts and his regular variety and radio schedules that what little spare time he has goes into his family and out-of-work friends. He doesn't say it explicitly, but Donghae knows that he needs some time away from the group, too, to remind himself that work isn't the be-all and end-all; that there are different concerns and enjoyments out there; that the world doesn't revolve around Hankyung's betrayal and Heechul's bad mood. Donghae doesn't begrudge Hyukjae's escapism methods, but it's lonely without him.

"So find yourself other people to hang out with," says Jongwoon when Donghae confides his loneliness to him. "The problem with you is that you stay in the dorm too much. Go out more, meet new people."

"It feels as though…he thinks of me as part of the whole trouble. Like he doesn't want to spend time with me, because I'm linked to all this…mess. He needs to get away from everything, me included."

"He probably does," Jongwoon says. "Who wouldn't want to get away from this shit?"

… …

The company decides to go ahead with the 4th album regardless of Suju's shakiness. No better time than now to prove how cohesive you are, declares the management, and so they push through with the whole routine: learning new songs, recording, promotional photoshoots. The pressure mounts. Donghae feels everyone drawing together again out of shared stress; even Heechul gets dragged out of his depression by the combined efforts of Jungsu, Donghae, Ryeowook, and Hyukjae. It's not the most ideal situation – coming back under such circumstances with a song that everyone will be expecting to top Sorry Sorry – and there are times when Donghae truly, sincerely, wants to dig fingers into his throat and vomit out everything he eats because food churns uncomfortably in his stomach.

'Miinah' is the song that the company settles on as The Next Big Thing. It doesn't sound very big at all. Jungsu argues with the music producers that they need a more cohesive song, and both he and Hyukjae present their case to the music director, but they're told that the music department knows what it's doing.

Jungsu is frustrated for a day. Then he picks himself up and decides to take the leader-like attitude route. "Maybe they're right," he says. "The song could be big. We'll do our best anyway. I believe that we can make any song sound decent."

"We'll show so much skin that they forget about the song," Hyukjae says, laughing hollowly. Despite his increasingly impressive physical physique through long, painful hours at the gym, he doesn't look like he's in good shape. The shadows under his eyes are deeply etched and his skin is pale. Donghae wants to tell him that he's working too hard and needs to take some time off, but he knows that it won't be of any use. They're all pushing themselves hard to make this comeback a worthy one; there's no point in telling anyone to take a break.

Nick Bass sends his assistant down to show them the choreography for 'Miinah'. It is more intense than anything they've done before, more exhausting even than Don't Don, and Hyukjae spends hours worrying whether the recurring 'skating' move will be admired or reviled by the public – even more hours worrying whether the group will be able to perform such a complicated choreography. In the end, he decides to modify it so that members like Jongwoon and Ryeowook will be able to keep up, and Donghae elects to spend night after night working with him on the moves, trying to find the balance between simplicity and impressiveness.

"I think I'm going to go mad if I have to go through the choreography for the chorus one more time," Hyukjae says at last after they've spent five straight hours going through the dance moves in an independent dance studio that their manager's friend owns. He collapses onto a heap on the floor, legs and arms outstretched, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. Donghae sits down beside him and looks at the clock indicating two a.m.

"We should stop for tonight, before you really go mad."

"Yeah," says Hyukjae, and gnaws his bottom lip in frustration. "You know, sometimes I feel like all this is so meaningless. Why am I busting my lungs for a choreography?"

"Because you love it," Donghae says, and doesn't blink when Hyukjae gives him an unimpressed look. "And besides – it's not like it's really meaningless. Think of our fans. They're all looking forward to our comeback. It means so much to them because of…everything that has happened. They wanna see us strong and together."

Hyukjae sighs. "Can we do that? Be strong and together?"

"We're already doing it, don't you see?"

"You have a point," says Hyukjae, and smiles for the first time that night.

"I'll get us coffee," Donghae offers.

"Sure," says Hyukjae. "You can get me a coffee. I know what you really want is a beer."

It takes about ten minutes to run down to the nearest 7-11 for coffee and beer. The college kid sitting behind the counter looks too sleepy to notice that it's an idol making the purchase. Donghae returns, stash in hand, to find Hyukjae still lying in the same position. He's reminded, suddenly, of their pre-debut days – those long hours in the dance studio with Yunho and Junsu and Sungmin, jump, squeak, pop, slide; the football games and the overnights in the cybercafés. "Remember when we used to think that being idols was gonna be easy?" he says.

Hyukjae laughs. "Are you sure we were ever those kids?"

They drink companionably. The silence around them is so deep that it feels as though they're the only ones left awake in a sleeping world. He draws his knees up to his chest. "Would you want to go back to those days, if you could?"

Hyukjae makes a small considering sound at the back of his throat. "Maybe. It would be fun. Or maybe we should meet ourselves. You know – if our old selves opened the door and came in right now, you and me and the others, with our CDs and those vending machine drinks…"

Donghae shivers a little. "No!" he says. "That wouldn't be funny at all…"

Hyukjae laughs again, and it sounds so much purer and happier than how his laughter has sounded ever since Hankyung left. It crinkles his eyes, and Donghae reaches out impulsively, because he simply can't spend another minute of these long, intimate hours being so close to him without touching him.

He puts his hand on Hyukjae's knee and squeezes it, and suddenly the desire to be back together again, to have the license to touch Hyukjae whenever he wants, to have and to hold, is so strong that his heart feels swollen with it. He thinks of the rings that he'd bought in that Guangzhou street market and of the afternoon when they'd slid onto them onto each other's fingers and watched them shine in the warm sunlight. What has happened to Hyukjae's ring? Is it still nested inside his wallet?

"Donghae," says Hyukjae, "what are you doing?"

Donghae blinks and realises that he's holding Hyukjae's hand tightly with their fingers interlaced. He has no idea how he ended up doing that, and he should draw back with a stammer of an apology, but there isn't any sign of disapproval on Hyukjae's face, only bewilderment. He might as well make a bad job out of it. "What has happened to your ring?"

"My ring," Hyukjae repeats blankly, then widens his eyes in illumination. "It's still inside my wallet."

Donghae breathes out, perhaps in relief. "Good. I thought you might have thrown it away."

"What do you take me for?" Hyukjae demands indignantly. "Why would I throw it away? You bought it for me, and carried it all the way back from China – I may be an asshole, but I'm not that bad!"

Donghae laughs. "Yeah, yeah, but you can be that bad, in fact…" and then, entirely independently and without any conscious thought, he leans forward and kisses Hyukjae's maddening mouth.

Hyukjae goes completely still, his breath stuttering to a shocked stop. Donghae would pull back, but the taste and feel of Hyukjae's mouth is too familiar, and he can't make himself withdraw – can't, in fact, face pulling away and apologising for his slip. Can't face the awkwardness that is bound to follow or the way that Hyukjae is certain to avoid him after this. So he continues kissing Hyukjae instead, hoping against hope that somehow – that maybe - that what if - because the longer he kisses the harder it is to stop. He takes a quick breath without moving away, sucks lightly on Hyukjae's bottom lip, and suddenly Hyukjae comes back to life, opens his mouth with a deep sigh and allows Donghae to work his tongue in. They kiss and kiss and kiss, and then Hyukjae's hands are in Donghae's hair, Donghae's legs on either side of Hyukjae's hips, and they're kissing like drowning men, like they haven't done this in a thousand thirsty years, and Donghae thinks, simply and in bold, I need him I need him I need him I need him.

Then Hyukjae positions his hands firmly on Donghae's temples and pushes him gently away, holding him at half an arm's length to look into his eyes. "Donghae," he breathes, "this…we…can't. We have to stop this."

"No," says Donghae, and something seems to break inside him, because tears are coming to his eyes now, "no, no, Hyukjae, you can't – you can't kiss me like that and then tell me that we have to stop."

"I'm messed up. I don't deserve…"

"I need you," Donghae says, "I need to be close to you now, you don't understand how much."

Hyukjae bites his lip and Donghae reaches to run his thumb over his cheek. "Please, Hyuk. Even if it's just for tonight – don't shut me out. We can go back to being friends, or whatever it is that we are, tomorrow – but for tonight, please, don't push me away."

He sees the reluctant capitulation in Hyukjae's eyes even before he's freed from Hyukjae's grip and they're kissing wildly again, cocks rapidly hardening in their pants, hands moving underneath shirts. Reluctance, his still-conscious mind processes; why? But he doesn't want to think about that now; he only wants to focus on the present, the now, with Hyukjae pliant beneath him and months of need and desire stacked up between them. He can't remember ever thirsting so much for Hyukjae's touch, not even back in their teenaged days when they'd been brimming full of half-ashamed hormonal desires. When he manages to get Hyukjae's shirt and pants off, when Hyukjae presses a kiss to his jaw with his erection rock hard against Donghae's thigh, it feels that there is no way that they can be close enough to satiate his yearning. He wants to be swallowed right into Hyukjae's core. The intensity of his want and self-abandon almost frightens him.

"Donghae," Hyukjae whispers, and his hands shake as he pulls off their underwear. Donghae looks up to see the same desire reflected on his face, the barely concealed lust and pure want in his eyes, and he knows that they would eat each other in that moment if they could; "I have – I have lube in my backpack."

Somehow, they untangle themselves long enough to get to the lube. Then Hyukjae's fingers are pushing into him, gentle and stretching, and he catches his breath; it's been too long since they've done this – he hasn't forgotten the sensation, not at all, but he had somehow lost the memory of that sharp edge of pleasure. He feels it now, hands clenched around Hyukjae's arm as he works him with those fingers, and then he's balancing himself on his knees astride Hyukjae's hips as Hyukjae lowers him down slowly onto his cock, and yes, he remembers this, he dreams about it on lonely nights, the blunt pressure of Hyukjae entering him, the wild joy and abandon of their bodies merging together. They take a moment to adjust, but everything feels right and familiar and just how it should be, and Donghae looks into Hyukjae's eyes as they begin to make love, slow at first, upping the speed one notch at a time, until Hyukjae finally takes a deep breath and groans, "Donghae", and they throw caution to the wind.

Donghae will remember, in excruciating detail, their frenzy and rhythm and breathless kisses, the way Hyukjae's hands grip onto his thighs, the way Hyukjae moves his hips and thrusts up into him, the way they cling to each other. The way they come so quickly that it's almost embarrassing, if not for the fact that they came within seconds of each other, and how the desire is still so strong that they recover within a shorter time than Donghae could've imagined of two very tired people.

An irrational fear comes upon him when they do it again, this time with him keeping balance on his elbows while Hyukjae fucks him from behind. He can't put a name or even a single specific reason for that fear, but it feels like everything is going too fast for him to get a grasp on it before it ends. So he pleads for Hyukjae to stop, just for a few seconds, just to lie still against each other and feel the most minute sensation of their bodies together like this, as if it could mean that their hearts are together too and all this could mean something deeper than he dares to hope for. Hyukjae stills obediently, but Donghae feels his thighs trembling from the effort, and he tries to take in everything of this one moment; to etch it so deeply in his mind that he'll never forget it.

"Donghae," Hyukjae says, and his voice sounds like a sob, "I can't hold out any longer…"

"Kiss me," Donghae says, tilting himself over and letting Hyukjae move his leg over his hip to get a steady grounding. They kiss again, open-mouthed, and Hyukjae begins moving slow and deep in him, so good that it almost hurts. It doesn't last long; it's impossible to have much staying power when they're this needy, and when he comes the second time his vision blacks out from the sheer intensity of it. Hyukjae pumps into him a few times before he pulls out and comes against his leg, his breaths unwieldy and his eyes closed, and Donghae turns around to hold him close, to press kisses on his forehead as he slowly comes down from his high.

Hyukjae doesn't say anything for a long time afterwards. He simply stays, quiet and unmoving, in Donghae's arms, submitting to being kissed and fondled, and already it feels like he's moving away even though they're still as close as they can possibly be without fucking again. Donghae doesn't want to ask why. Hyukjae has already given him more than he could have asked for tonight; he wants it to remain as perfect as it seems. Doesn't want to acknowledge the undefined doubt buzzing at the back of his mind; doesn't want to question Hyukjae's silence or reticence now that their mindless abandon is over. It's enough to lie here holding him. It's enough to feel the ache in his bones and the sensation of Hyukjae still inside him.

Yet everything has to come to an end. Nearing four a.m., they eventually clean up, get dressed, and keep the studio door wide open when they leave to air out the smell of sex. Hyukjae drives them back to the dorms, and during the short, quiet drive home, Donghae wonders how one single hour could have held so much passion and intimacy. Is it possible that anything in the world can remain safe and ordinary after this?

No, his sleep-deprived mind tells him in that witching hour. Everything will be different; nothing can be ordinary again.

They part in the elevator, Hyukjae squeezing his hand quickly to mean a good-night-and-sleep-well, and Donghae wishes he could follow him back to his little one-person room, climb under his covers and nestle up against him like they used to do. But that's asking for too much. He makes his way back to his own room instead, gets through the shower anyhow, and falls asleep moments after his head hits the pillow, pushing the buzzing half-formed thoughts away.

… …

It's approximately nine-forty-five the next morning when the buzzing doubt solidifies into a specific question, cold-chilled and tainted with a soul-numbing shock.

Why had there been lube in Hyukjae's backpack?


previous: part eight (ii); a break-up | next: part nine (ii); a falling

Comments

[andybianca.livejournal.com]

When I read the last line, a couple of lines before when they were having sex, I asked myself the same question. But then I ignored that little question thinking that it's just a small detail..


you surprised me.
And well and fuck.
Shit. :(

[loveroscruffo.livejournal.com]

HOLY MOTHER OF ALL ASKLFJHAKSJFHAKSJFHKASJFH

my heart is bleeding and aching and donghae i feel you

but why is there lube in hyukjae's backpack. i know all will be explained, i know, and i cant wait!

i swear while reading all this i can already feel some sort of...sadness and darkness looming and it still hurts. :c until the next time!

[(Anonymous)]

I have the same thought..

Why did Hyuk have lube in his backpack if him and Hae aren't together..

Who is Hyuk seeing/sleeping with?

[ialwayswill.livejournal.com]

Ugh the angst, kill it with fire. I don't like the idea of eunhyuk sleeping with other people. :(

[ialwayswill.livejournal.com]

Ok at first I was upset but now I'm pissed off. Donghae should have banged that Chinese guy when he had the chance then told eunhyuk all about it!!

Lol sorry. This fic gives me a lot of feels

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Aww :( um um...Donghae will have plenty of chances to bang other guys?

But they really aren't together anymore...and haven't been for quite a while! So technically Hyuk is a free man...?

[ialwayswill.livejournal.com]

I know it's technically not cheating but I'm still disappointed in hyukjae. :( I do think if donghae started seeing other people he'd let it be known 'cause he'd be a spiteful little bitch. Lol. And tbh I'd really love to see jealous!hyuk.

[ascalpeladay.livejournal.com]

YES!!!!!!!!!!! The question that immediately popped into my head was WHY. It was so random and in my head, so perverted that why would you-a person who is supposedly not with anyone-have lube in your backpack unless of course....

PART TWO PLEASE HUHUHUHUHUUUUUU

When will I not have a rollercoaster of feels when I read it Running blind!!!! We're all masochists so it seems!

BUT AS USUAL: SO. GOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!

[lamppy.livejournal.com]

I was wondering all this time what are you going to do with them from now on, and some of my suspects are confirmed. Or rather they will be.

First, I really hoped for some sad-Heechul/encouraging-Donghae scene… I feel like that would be good for Donghae to occupy his thoughts with someone else than Hyukjae, and it was perfect opportunity (who am I kidding? I just love Heechul/Donghae scenes and you would write it so well, that’s all) I’m somehow glad that you didn’t put too much Heechul’s problems though, that would be so much more depressing than it already is.

Second, I’m really glad that you put this little detail about Hyukjae’s ring. I was wondering the same thing you know, I just thought I’ll never know. It felt so nice to know that he still has it in his wallet, no matter how many things they went through or how much pain they relationship cost, or how much he has changed.
I don’t really know what to think about the making love episode. It feels like a bad thing, right? Like a mistake (but they were having sex, how can I be possibly sad about it?!)
Tell you what, there was a really small and hyper naïve part of me which believed that Hyukjae had lube because a) they were lucky b) he planned to do it with Donghae… (I know, I told you, really… OTL)

Of course, it’s still somehow hard for me to accept that Hyukjae is sleeping with anyone else (and possibly a guy? I thought he was gay only for Donghae, but well, forget it). It makes sense though with "I'm messed up. I don't deserve…" and with those outside work friends.. And this silence after the act, like he was thinking and regretting.
But it still somehow sweet that he wanted Donghae so badly. Maybe he is messed up and maybe it was only for one night, but he undoubtedly wanted him and even wanted to warn him, because he isn’t that bad after all.

I didn’t like when everybody were calling Donghae childish, but now he really is. He is because he can’t really see the consequences of his actions; he seeks for comfort from Hyukjae, not realizing that in the end it will be much worse. Hyukjae on the other hand is trying to keep their relations clear, because he always tries to be responsible, but somehow he ends up hurt too (and maybe because of that, because Donghae loves simply and blindly, and selfishly but Hyukjae actually thinks and his internal conflicts seem to hurt him the most).
It’s hard to expect from them to know what to do, though. Their situation isn’t typical. And I’m really afraid about them now, because 1) title of this chapter really 2) you already proved that you can keep those unstable, ambiguous, bittersweet romances between them so…

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Dumps lots of love on your comment <333

Originally Heechul was going to play a slightly bigger role but in the end I decided not to draw it out - it would be sort of unnecessary to the whole story and it's already long enough, lol.

Yes - Hyukjae did try to stop them and tell Donghae, but I guess he's just unable to control himself when Donghae's in that kind of mood? He indulges Donghae too much! And I totally agree with Donghae being childish in his method of loving, he definitely loves with all his soul and devotion but sometimes he demands just a wee bit much..

[piggybunny12.livejournal.com]

Oh my gossssssssshhhh--I noted the lube bit and was going to stick that very question in my review, hoping that you had just stuck it in there for convenience of the plot but nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

THIS FIC! I just reread 8 and then 9 on the bus and how many feelings can you stuff in one chapter?!? I was trying not to cry on the bus because that would have been super embarrassing! Just a roller coaster and just when you go up you come crashing back down.

Thank you thank you thank you for such a great update!

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading and commenting! :)

Ahhh...this fic is kinda up-and-down isn't it. Um, it'll probably be kind of down for a while? But I promise it will eventually perk up!

[dalankar.livejournal.com]

Why Hyukjae? Please let there be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this!
Loved this chapter. It was wonderful to see them together again :)

[thesaddestlove.livejournal.com]

I knew it... I knew there was something suspicious about Hyukjae having lube in his backpack. I know they've broken up already but this really hurts. ;~;

GDI HYUKJAE

I have a REALLY bad feeling about the second part.

[sjdisease.livejournal.com]

Oh holy mother of GOD.

[yukinokara.livejournal.com]

I thought it would be fun for you if I put my friend and my Facebook conversation about this chapter here. I'll review properly later!

Friend: Ugh this chapter.

Sec while I finish it.

But I feel shit about it. This feels shit.

Me: Keep reading!

Friend: setoibgoerhbd

Me: *hides under a rock until you're done*

Friend: Okay I'm done.

Me: Good.

WHAT IS THIS ANGST

Friend: WHY HAD THERE BEEN LUBE IN HIS BACKPACK

WHY WHY WHY

Me: WHY DOES HE HAVE LUBE

Friend: WHO

WHO

Me: IS HE FUCKING?

Friend: HYUKJAE BETTER HAVE FUCKING NOT OR I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO KILL SOMEONE

Me: BUT HE PROBABLY HAS.

Friend: DONGHAE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO FUCK THAT CHINESE DUDE AND HE FUCKING DIDN'T

AND HYUKJAE

FUCK YOU HYUKJAE. UGH I FEEL LIKE CRYING

WHY

WHO THE FUCK

Me: I mean they're not technically in a relationship, and Hyukjae doesn't know about the Chinese dude, so I'm not that surprised.

But still

Friend: YEAH LIKE PROBABLY TECHNICALLY HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG BUT

And ON TOP OF THAT

Me: IT MAY HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA TO TELL DONGHAE BEFORE HAVING SEX?

Friend: EXACTLY WHAT I WAS ABOUT TO SAY

HE SHOULD HAVE SAID NO

BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THAT WOULD HAVE HURT DONGHAE

FINDING OUT THAT HE HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND THEN HAD SEX WITH HIM AND THEN IT DIDN'T MEAN AS MUCH TO HIM WOULD HURT MORE

Oh my godddddddddd

Me: Uggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
____
:)

[sjdisease.livejournal.com]

This was me by the way. Because I couldn't leave an actual proper comment, refer to this. This is pretty much all my feels. Wow I'm exhausted. <3

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Wow....that is some epic comment lolol! My poor Hyukjae, everyone's upset with him now :(

[ialwayswill.livejournal.com]

this is me too!! i'm so pissed at eunhyuk right now. he's obviously sleeping with someone else and then he goes and has unprotected sex with donghae. he shoudln't have let it happen! ugh fuck you hyukjae you fucker

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

DDDD: he tried...but failed!

[sjdisease.livejournal.com]

I mean that was actually me. I was the friend having a total freaking spazz attack to Kara via facebook. xD

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Just want to say that...these are some really EPIC reactions! I'm really flattered that the fic managed to bring out such feels~ thank you

[apieceofsilver.livejournal.com]

My heart keeps breaking more and more for Donghae with each new chapter. TT_______TT

I'm guessing when Hyukjae said "I'm messed up. I don't deserve…", he was trying to tell Donghae about it ---- it, being the thing that shall be confirmed yet in the next chapter (I suppose). Connecting that to the lube in his backpack. My first guess was that Hyukjae actually meant for it for Donghae since they're practicing alone that night. But when I connect it to what Hyukjae said prior to giving in to Donghae's request... Idk. I welcome other possibilities. Even if it may hurt me and Donghae (LOL).

Thanks for updating! <3

[arisu19.livejournal.com]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahh donghae's last thought!! that's what i thought the moment i read it too, and i thought he was going to question hyukjae right then and there!! i'm so anxious right now! but it was a perfect update! thanks for all these feelings ;A; can't wait for the next!

[zephyral.livejournal.com]

when i saw your update i literally keysmashed to my friend who doesn't even read this orz. >< ((she thinks i'm insane now))

omg this updateeeeeeeeee.

i can't explain how i feel right now, it's a horrid mixture of oh no the geng episode oh crappy everyone is so sad and then oh god they had sex no hyukjae what why it's donghae you poor thing let me cuddle NOOO. ;AAAAAAAA;

yea.

on one hand, they're already broken up and have been for a while so it shouldn't matter. in some ways, donghae needs to let go. but it seems as if hyukjae doesn't want to let go either, despite signs that point otherwise. the ring and the lube. so contrasting. what does he want really?

and how sj kinda falls apart in the wake of geng and the turmoil of everyone and the resultant /aaaaangst//. so much pain. DD:

i'm awful at comments odg i'm so sorry.

side note: i really like your cynical jongwoon. xD

i say this everytime but your writing is truly beautiful <3

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much <3 I like what you said about Donghae needing to let go in some ways - Hyuk is also a very conflicted individual and they will just have to work their problems out with time!

You are so totally not awful at comments!

Idk why Yesung always ends up cynical in my fics....it would seem that the Yesung in my head goes around making snarky comments a lot..

[myeunhae.livejournal.com]

Yaayyyyy, finally update.... kiss kiss thank you, author nim.... ^ ^

Its beautiful, i don't know what others think, sure Donghae made things more complicated considering their current relationship...
but somehow, i feel how much they love each other and it touched me deeply...
I want them together so bad.... i can even imagining things really happening between them are like your story here...hahahahha
i mean, not 'that' part.... though...hmm... its actually imaginable tooo....hahahah perverted me...

[l-mmdays.livejournal.com]

what the fuck what the what omg what tHE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LIFE MAD WOMAN HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME after all that beautiful sex you put the last nail in my coffin why is the lube WHAT'S THE LUBE DOING IN THERE


?????????????????????????????????
WHAT?

my face is red right now and i'm laughing i'm seriously laughing because WHAT THE FUCK

YOU ARE SERIOUSLY THE MOST TALENTED FANFICTION WRITER/ FUTURE BESTSELLER???WRITER IN THIS UNIVERSE

you are so wonderful. so full of wonder. gem gem

gem

this part was one of the best by far.

Congratulations on your brain congratulations on your cow

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

OMG lol I really wish I could be a future bestseller and just rest on my laurels while the checks come in, hahaha!

That said, thank you for all the blessings, particularly on my cow :D <3

[steeel-magnolia.livejournal.com]

reading their love making was so much like coming home :')
its beautiful and intense and such a relief

but there's this creepy feeling of 'oh nooooo' perpetuating throughout because their relatinship is pretty fragile as it is. and sex usually does not make it better:s

and well, since I read the comments before the chapter... I reminded myself to be a little bit more neutral about this whole lube thing.
so I shall wait for the explanation. and donghae did say he wanted this for just 'tonight, right?
(although if hyukjae was doing it with someone else , that would be pretty suckish of him. because they haven't cleared this thing up and didn't even make a clean break anD he must know how hurt donghae would be if he 'cheated' >:(
I shall wait to make my verdict on this and then decide if I want to kill anyone :)

[catskilt.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading <3

Haha yes...I shall endeavour to explain it away!

[(Anonymous)]

Well, I kinda wondered why he had lube in his backpack in the exact moment I read it.
But, I think that I could see this coming. Actually I like your fanfiction because someway you managed to make me understand how they think. Donghae is always so passionate, and in love (sometimes in love with the idea of love) and proud of his feelings...he just couldn't bring himself to have sex with someone else. And, I think, he made up his mind thinking that everybody should love in the exact sane way as he loves.
On the other hand, Hyukjae went through a lot: he had to fight with Leeteuk, fight with his family, fight with himself. He threw away years and years of beliefs just for Donghae. And clearly he doesn't manage the stress and love the way Donghae does. Probably he just needs to distance himself a bit, and prove himself that Donghae isn't his everything. I'm quite happy he found someone else: he'll have the chance to clear what there's in his mind and soul. And maybe, he'll go back to Donghae when everything will be settled.

So, really, does it matter if he had lube in his backpack? XD
Wonderful chapter, by the way.

[flameflowerful.livejournal.com]

I really appreciate the way you showed how they deal with all these messes; hankyung's 'betrayal', and everything else that comes along
they really have been through so much ;__; even though they don't often show it to us fans, giving us cheerful smiles instead

fkadfj

and the whole time I was reading the scene with donghae and hyukjae physically reuniting together, there was certainly lust and passion and like, this strange need for them to be together - but their emotions are on totally different levels
AND THAT LAST LINE

i kind of just dismissed the question of the lube from my mind til you BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN
AND THE WAY IT CHILLED DONGHAE KIND OF MAKES ME REALLY NERVOUS

[brattygurl2011.livejournal.com]

I read this chapter a couple of days ago but didn't know how to comment. Not that I know what to say now either but I want to say something before I read the next chapter especially since I feel this chapter is a turning point of sorts.

Hyuk is probably having sex with someone which is why he has lube in his backpack. I want there to be some innocuous reason that he carries lube, but, face it, there is no innocuous reason so I'll just have to come to terms that Hyuk is sleeping with someone. I hope that it's not a serious relationship because I don't think Hae would be able to recover from hearing that kind of news, but at the same time I don't want Hyuk to be whoring around either. I remember the previous chapter or maybe a couple of chapters ago I was afraid that Hae would end up having sex with some guy from China but Hae decided that he didn't want that, that he didn't want to lose the memories of Hyuk and their time together by using sex with random people to move on, but it seems that Hyuk didn't make the same decision. I hope we'll learn more about Hyuk and whoever the guy is that he's dating in the next chapter.

So much happened in that year and it had to affect the members and the company in general. In real life, that time must have caused such turmoil and confusion and resentment among everyone. I can see how all of those emotions lead to them having sex. It's sort of like people stuck in the middle of war or danger who try to celebrate life and remind yourself that it's not as bad as it seems or that the bad stuff surrounding you can't or won't affect what really matters so you look for comfort and sometimes sex is a way to find that comfort and reassurance that something good is out there to balance the bad. They have kept apart for a year I guess and that's quite a feat considering how much they love each other and have to restrain themselves from giving into the temptation since they see each other almost daily.

Hae realizing the reason why Hyuk has lube in his backpack must have been quite a shock. He was probably thinking that the sex they just had as something special and beautiful and a reminder of what they still could have then he finds out that Hyuk probably has been having sex and that maybe their love making meant nothing to Hyuk as it did for Hae. I really hope that Hyuk isn't serious with someone because that would kill me too. I just have to remind myself that the beginning of this story had Hyuk and Hae together into their old age. I don't know if they are together as lovers or as soul-mates and best friends, but at least I know that whatever angst you're putting them through now is eventually mended that they find their way back to each other. I'm scared that you'll throw some twist at the end of this story where the first chapter isn't as positive as it seemed, but I'm quite paranoid so I'm hoping I'm wrong.

Okay, off to the next chapter!!!