[Broken Halves] Of Beers and Cigarettes

[binmusic.livejournal.com]

Title : Broken Halves
Chapter : Four - Of Beers and Cigarettes
Pairing : Ryo/Shige
Author : binmusic 
Rating : NC-17 (mildly?)
Words : 4,228
Summary : Ryo and Shige's relationship dissolve over the course of eight months.
A/N : For misticloud and her insane demands of smut, smut and more smut. A huge warning in advance, this is my first smut and it's bad. Like fail!smut even because you can barely tell there's any action going on. I'm sorry for that. This really isn't a smutty chapter though. And the next chapter will most likely be the final one. Thank you for bearing with me so far D: Oh and please do not judge my narrator, he really is awesome and I sort of love him tons <3


I've said before that I know Ryo-chan well, having been present at many important moments of his life, but I realized during dinner that knowing things, such as when he last cried or what he did autumn of last year, didn't signify my knowledge of Ryo-chan. It just meant that I knew the textbook definitions of him, the kind that don't actually matter.

I think that if my mother had been present that night it might have changed her mind about them. If she could have seen Kato-kun's index finger caught  between Ryo-chan's chopsticks as he tried to sneak food or if she could've heard their colorful bickering as they debated three hundred and fifty degrees for six hours or four hundred degrees for five. I think that if you told me then that two years from now Kato-kun would return to find an empty house with nothing but once broken trinkets and devoid of Ryo-chan, I wouldn't have believed it.

The afternoon Ryo-chan left town I was in math class, busy calculating the value of x when y is fifteen. I returned home to find my mother, the florist and the baker huddled on our lawn. I was three steps away from the front door when I heard the familiar hushed whispering of my mother, "He's gone. Left this morning by taxi."

It wasn't hard to tell who the he in question was. I didn't need to see the jerk of my mother's thumb or hear her say his name to know. Ryo-chan had finally left.

I can't say I expected it but I probably should've known it would happen. For almost every night of the past three months, Ryo-chan took to sitting on his porch steps, cradling a six pack of beer and an unopened carton of cigarettes. The cigarettes went untouched for Ryo-chan disliked the heavy smoke and the unrelenting odor that always accompanied it, but tolerated them and kept a steady supply of them in his house for Kato-kun. And while Ryo-chan didn't drink much either, I've become accustomed to seeing the two empty bottles outside his gate every morning.

He never drinks more than that though, and it usually took him at least an hour and a half to get through them. I wouldn't say that Ryo-chan drank for fun, he's not the type and has a low tolerance for alcohol, rather he drank because it silenced his thoughts and helped to pass the time. It served as a meter of sorts, two finished bottles signaled that it was time for him to head back inside. And for sixty nights and almost one hundred and twenty hours, Ryo-chan waited, two beers in hand. On the dawn of the sixty-first day there sat six empty bottles and a box of cigarettes by the garbage bin. I should've known then that Ryo-chan had tired of waiting.

Kato-kun returned two months after Ryo-chan's departure not knowing that it was already too late. I was there with him when he unlocked the gate to enter, having invited me in for some lunch. I didn't want to accept but there is always a morbid sort of curiosity that humans have and at that moment I wanted to be there when he realized, and in a way I wanted to see firsthand Kato-kun's pain.

But Kato-kun didn't grace me with a response. He barely paused in his lunch preparations until I pointed out that there was no food to be found in Ryo-chan's house now that my mother emptied the kitchen of anything possibly perishable two weeks ago. Kato-kun nodded and told me to wait while he ran out to the market then. I wanted to tell him no, that I wasn't hungry and that the hassle wasn't worth it. But I didn't.

He returned fifteen minutes later with bags of food, enough to feed a family of three for at least a week. I watched him as he quickly chopped all the lettuce and prepared the grilled meat. Smooth and precise movements throughout, there were no signs that Kato-kun even noticed the absence of Ryo-chan and his things. It wasn't until we sat and were eating that I noticed it again, that same gleam in his eyes that I remembered from years ago. Resignation and defeat, as if Ryo-chan's leaving was something that Kato-kun expected and that it was merely a question of when and not if.

I knew then that this wasn't a first experience, that there had been more Ryo-chan's than I'd like to know of and that Kato-kun's knife never slipped because while leaving was something he did often being left was something he knew even more of.

I look back and I wonder if they remember their happier times, those days spent barbecuing in the backyard or that time when Ryo-chan tried to teach Kato-kun the art of clay modeling. It seems to me that happier moments are often lost in the memories of the sadder ones, that they become forgotten especially when the end was as harrowing as theirs.

Kato-kun left town three days after and to my knowledge he has never returned. The house was never sold and the name on the deed still reads Kato Shigeaki, a sort of parting gift that I believe meant more than I could figure. In the months and years after he left, I'd still remember random moments of theirs. The days when they had laughed and while the love was never mine, the memories are. For five years I was allowed glimpses into a love that I should be able to describe as epic but never will.

I think back and I wonder why I didn't notice it myself, the beginning of the end started where it always does, in the middle. A five year relationship that began when it really shouldn't have and ended before it was supposed to. I'm getting ahead though now, there's still so much I haven't told, memories that I made through open windows and sharp ears.

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I remember the loud clashing of metal and wooden objects that I awakened to and in the brief few seconds it took for me to discern that the noises were coming from Ryo-chan's house, I wondered if mother had finally made good on her random promises to maim Kato-kun. It wasn't until I heard Ryo-chan cursing a blurred combination of words, "Shit.Kato.That was a new lamp!", that I managed to blink the sleep away and sit up properly on my bed.

In the back of my mind I knew what was happening, I may be a virginal teenage boy but I wasn't a stupid one, yet I still leaned closer, eyes averted from the now lit bedroom window of Ryo-chan.

"That was a new lamp."

"You pushed me!"

"I repeat, new lamp."

"It's not like you can't afford it Nishikido-kun."

"That wasn't the name you were yelling before."

"Funny I don't remember you being this horny then either."

Minutes later the guttural moans and soft pleas I managed to sleep through the first time resumed now, and it took less than thirty seconds for me to realize that my own hand was poised directly above the waistband of my briefs, close to, technically what is referred to as the male sex organ.

I'd like to repeat that I'm a teenage boy and that masturbation is common and actually encouraged by many health professionals, and my mother. Ever since Ryo-chan announced he was gay, she's taken an unwanted interested in my nonexistent sex life. Although I doubt she'd be pleased at the fact that I'm actually excited by Kato-kun's husky "R-ryo".

I distinctly remember being two pumps away from release when there was a crash followed by the thud of body against wall and even more curses from Ryo-chan.

"Kato."

"This is not my fault."

"My bed. MY BED!!"

"Not my fault."

"See those springs on the floor? It's supposed to be INSIDE of the mattress not OUT!"

"And it's not my fault you still sleep in the same bed you've had since you were eight!"

"First it's my lamp now my bed. Why don't we just go to the inn then? We can do it on tatami mats there!"

"That would be uncomfortable."

"How do you know?"

"..."

"Seriously!?"

"You sound interested."

"I-Oi! Stop changing the subject. You broke my bed!"

"I already said it's not my fault."

"There are five busted springs, one currently imbedded into my back. How is this not your fault?"

The argument continued, Ryo-chan unrelenting and Kato-kun exasperated and for once unwilling to submit to Ryo-chan's blaming. I stayed up a little longer, wondering if Ryo-chan would actually dismember Kato-kun's, "interested member" and if Kato-kun was lying when he yelled in response that he grossly overestimated when making the clay penis. That was all it took for me to deflate and to this day I cannot hear "clay" and "penis" without thinking of that moment and how close I had been to my own release.

I never expected Kato-kun and Ryo-chan's relationship together to be remotely chaste but I also did not expect to be privy to so many of their romps together. I'd like to say that this was the only time I participated along with their sexual endeavors but that'd be a lie for I've done it more times than I can keep track of.

Hence I became used to it, Kato-kun's soft pleas and Ryo-chan's louder, huskier groans accompanied me to sleep most nights and kept me up on the others. I hardly ever heard them in the afternoons, it could be that I attended school then and missed out on action but it's more likely that Kato-kun refused Ryo-chan during the day. I always got the feeling that for Kato-kun, the act of sex was something to be embarrassed about, it was always Ryo-chan whom I remember initiating and it'd end with either their obvious moans or Kato-kun retreating back to his room at the inn that he barely saw anymore.

The once instance I can remember with which Kato-kun instigated was on a particularly hot summer day, one that even a dozen cold icicles couldn't cool down. I was sitting outside for a good part of the day, in the shaded cover under my roof and fanning myself with yesterday's paper. I waved lazily to Kato-kun as he drove in and he beckoned for me to follow.

"I got a present for Ryo-chan yesterday that you should see, come on in! He's probably using it now."

"Kato-kun I'm not sure..."

He handed a heavy black suitcase to me and kicked my sneakers, "I don't bite."

"But Ryo-chan does."

"Hmm?"

"I, er, nevermind it's nothing."

Once inside Ryo-chan handed my a tall glass of lemonade as if he'd been expecting me and in answer to my raised eyebrows he answered, "You've been sweating out there since I woke up. Why didn't you just come over in the first place?"

"Why would I Ryo-chan?"

"He's got an air-conditioner now."

"A what?"

"An air-conditioner. This idiot apparently thought I needed an appliance to survive a summer when I've lived through much worse."

"This idiot paid a lot for an appliance and would appreciate it if you would pretend to be grateful."

"I thought you valued honesty."

"And I thought you'd be more of a romantic."

"Well, seems like we were both mistaken then."

I remember laughing more that afternoon than I would in the next three years. Kato-kun grabbed the suitcase from me and started to unpack, occasionally holding something out to me and telling me to take it. Most of the time the items were kind of pointless, a poster of some foreign American actress or a hand knit sweater he received from some elderly client of his.

"Are you sure it's not a parting gift from one of your other young male lovers?"

Kato-kun didn't respond and merely smiled at Ryo-chan before chucking the sweater right at him. "Take it. Pink looks much better on you than it does on me."

"A lot of things do."

Kato-kun groaned and rolled his eyes at me. "Excuse Nishikido-kun, I just arrived yesterday and so his ego hasn't been stoked nearly enough yet."

"You're never around long enough for that Kato."

It didn't take long for me to realize that Ryo-chan wasn't discussing his ego anymore and that my presence was probably unwanted at the moment, "Uh, can I use the bathroom?"

"Door on the left," Ryo-chan replied shortly.

I moved to my left and opened the door just in time to hear Kato-kun tell me, "The other left!"

The next thing I heard was the loud tumbling and crashing of objects around and onto me. And the next time I opened my eyes, I found myself surrounded by a sea of random things, a few pots, some pillows, laundry probably weeks old and even a vase full of bamboo stalks.

"What..?"

"You're okay!!"

"He didn't die Kato, stop making this a bigger deal than it is."

"Ryo! Your closet is crammed with so much crap that it nearly suffocated him! What the hell do you have in there?!"

"Tatami mats?" I said as I tried to sit up and slipped on something.

"Uh, that's for a friend!" Ryo-chan said loudly, reaching quickly to grab the rolled mats from me.

"Which friend?" Kato-kun asked with an upwards curl of his lip that showed he didn't believe Ryo-chan.

"You don't know him."

"And why haven't I met this friend before?"

"He's been busy."

"Why can't he buy his own mats?"

"Like I said, he's been busy lately!"

Kato-kun laughed and reached over, " You really bought tatami mats!"

Ryo-chan looked away pointedly and glanced at me, "You okay?"

I nodded and blushed as I glanced at the mats myself, "I think I'll go home now."

"Why bother? You always listen-"

I didn't get to hear the rest of Ryo-chan's sentence as Kato-kun quickly stepped in and threw one of the tatami mats at him, "I'll walk him out, clean up this mess and you can leave the tatami mats out."

I got up to my door before finally turning to face Kato-kun, "I'm alright now, thanks Kato-kun. You better get inside, Ryo-chan's waiting for you."

Kato-kun gave me a wink and then walked back, "Take care of yourself!"

Looking downwards, I knew then what Kato-kun meant and briefly wondered if standing underneath the open window would be too obnoxious. In the end I wandered back upstairs to my room, I didn't think my mother would be too pleased if she caught me with a hand down my pants while I listened in on live porn. I doubt it would've made her proud.

By the time I got upstairs I missed the beginning where they normally debate who tops and who bottoms. Usually it's Kato-kun and I don't believe Ryo-chan minds too much but he's just the type that is fond of arguing and requires some pacifying. Most times they end up janken-poning and since Ryo-chan always uses rock, all Kato-kun has to do is respond with paper and he'll win. I've rarely seen Kato-kun lose and the only time he has would be the last time I ever saw them together.

But it was obvious by the not so muffled curses from Ryo-chan that Kato-kun was topping this round. Sometimes if Ryo-chan forgets or is in a particular rush, he'll leave the window open and I'll not only get to hear but also see what goes on. And honestly ever since I heard Kato-kun mention the tatami mats, I have been wondering myself how it would be like. Unfortunately instead of in Ryo-chan's bedroom, the activities were taking place downstairs where there's obviously more room, and where the windows were closed. 

Walking into my bedroom, I automatically dropped my pants and took my seat on the bed. It wasn't long before sounds were heard and it was barely minutes later that I found myself stroking along in rhythm to Ryo-chan's pleas.

"Don't make me beg Kato."

"Would you really?"

"I want you. Now."

The answer Kato-kun gave was apparent from Ryo-chan's resounding reaction.

"Fuck, fuck. Are you going to fucking move or what?!"

"I'm pretty comfortable right here."

"G-god, Kato you're going to move or-"

"Patience-"

I imagine Ryo-chan snapped then, bucking his hips upward roughly in response .

"Holy shit, Ryo. Shit, do that again!" Came the hoarse pant of Kato-kun, followed by the moaning of Ryo-chan and the loud thwack of the tatami mat against hardwood floor, setting a fast paced in and out rhythm.

I closed my eyes then, half undone by both their voices and my own imaginations. As I neared my release, I heard Kato-kun's yell of "God, Ryo so tight," and I knew that orgasm was near for both of them. After some incoherent shouts of "Kato" from Ryo-chan, I knew it was over. Three rapid strokes later and I came myself, sticky white liquid encasing both my palm and pillow cover.

I laid back, mindful of the mess and collapsed. It probably took a little more than five minutes but I expected it as always. Ryo-chan isn't fond of post-coital cuddling and instead favors discussing their latest sexual activities.

"It wasn't uncomfortable."

"You sure know how to flatter a man, Ryo."

"I meant the tatami mat."

"Try it on the straw kind and on a humid day. Fucking thing slides and it'll be your head hitting the floor instead."

"You bottomed?"

"Not the point."

"I smell like-"

"Wet grass? You sweat a lot."

"So do you. Up for another go?"

"Yes, by the way that stain is not going to come out."

"That's why I bought three mats."

"I'm impressed by your thoroughness."

When I watch romantic movies now I'm always struck with how different the scenes are, the tangling of limbs and exchange of tender kisses seen in theaters, in comparison to Ryo-chan and Kato-kun's playful digs and sarcastic comments. It wasn't too hard to see though, that the snark translated to the same "I love you" and "Never leave me".

My last image of Ryo-chan and Kato-kun together cannot be labelled as either happy or sad. Not because it's unclassifiable but because the emotions accompanying that memory changes every time I remember it.

Eight months prior to Ryo-chan's departure and three days before his birthday, Kato-kun came to town and I was invited to a celebration dinner. I refused though and had no choice for it was parent-teacher conferences at the school and my mother wouldn't miss such a gossip-fest for anything less than a tsunami.

I was sent home early in the evening after she successfully found a target, one of her friends crying in the bathroom over a daughter's failure in some class. The lights were still on at Ryo-chan's when I walked past and Ryo-chan himself was standing on the sidewalk staring at Kato-kun's car.

"Ah, Happy Birthday Ryo-chan," I said softly, unwilling to disturb him but also wanting to be polite. 

He turned at the sound of my voice and gave me such a thorough look-over that it felt as if he didn't recognize me or know who I was. "Thanks."

"Sorry I couldn't make it to the dinner."

"It's okay, I know there's that thing at school tonight."

"Yeah, anyway, I'll be heading in. Have a good night."

"Hey kid, keep your window closed tonight."

"Huh?"

I watched as Ryo-chan walked back in without another word and I slowly trudged into my own house. Later on that night as I went to close my window, I realized that Ryo-chan had left his own open with the shades undrawn.

It was mostly curiosity fueled on by Ryo-chan's earlier words that prompted me to shut my bedroom lights and sit waiting on the bed. I can't remember how long I sat there for but I'm almost sure it was less than an hour later before the two appeared. It wouldn't be the first time I played audience to their sexual acts but "birthday sex" had a different ring to it than "blowjob in the shower" or "sixty-nining on the kitchen table".

As usual it started off with both Ryo-chan and Kato-kun naked and sitting on the bed. But that's when all prior similarities stopped. For the first time I could remember, Ryo-chan threw a scissor to Kato-kun's paper and won the top/bottom game. Kato-kun stared for a brief second before nodding and lying back on the bed with a smile and hands Ryo-chan the lube.

Two steps was all it took for Ryo-chan to reach Kato-kun's side and coat his erection with a generous amount of the lubricant. I watched Ryo-chan lean down and kiss Kato-kun, silencing all questions and protests, and seconds later I came without knowledge of even being close when Ryo-chan pushed himself back and sat slowly onto Kato-kun's member.

It took a few moments for me to realize the stickiness in my pajama bottoms wasn't an illusion and another few for me to grab the tissues on the bedside and messily clean myself up. It was the sudden screams of Kato-kun that brought my full attention back across to the window.

Kato-kun was arching almost painfully off the bed, hands tightly clenched on either side of Ryo-chan's hips.

"Wh-"

Ryo-chan grabbed the hands off his waist then, using them as a lift and propelled himself up only to fall sharply back, impaling himself onto Kato-kun's erection. There was wincing on Ryo-chan's part that he didn't bother to hide, even when Kato-kun worriedly gripped onto him, pleading for him to stop.

"Ryo, Ryo stop. You're going to hurt yourself! You have to wait!"

Ryo-chan rose up again in response, twisting Kato-kun's hands away. "I want it to hurt."

"Ry-" Was all Kato-kun managed to say before he was treated to a forward rock of Ryo-chan's hips followed immediately by a hard lift up and a fluid slide back down against his erection. His hold tightened around Ryo-chan's waist as he reflexively jerked his own hips upwards, thrusting to meet with Ryo-chan's frantic movements.

With both hands on Kato-kun's chest, Ryo-chan continued, setting such a pace and rhythm that it pained for me to look on. Bounce after bounce he repeatedly lifted himself, both grimacing and moaning with pleasure as he dropped onto Kato-kun's lap only to completely push up and fall back harshly in return.

"Fuck, ah Ryo! God, Ryo!!" Came the desperate moans of Kato-kun before he tightly fisted his hand around Ryo-chan's erection and started pumping erratically, off-beat and sloppily.

Sex, I've heard, is supposed to be a beautiful experience, but looking back, it wasn't beauty I saw but want and need, two people thrusting hungrily against one another in search of whatever it was they lacked. Naked bodies,  slick with sweat and other bodily fluids, pain and hurt mixed with euphoria. It was messy at best and unappealing in such a way that I never thought I'd want to try it myself. 

Shortly after my second orgasm, I noticed Kato-kun sitting up, hands digging painfully into Ryo-chan's ribs to hold him in place as he flipped them over, Ryo-chan now on his back and Kato-kun the one pounding in, long and hard, repeatedly brushing against Ryo-chan's prostate.

A short two minutes after the switch, it was over. Ryo-chan came, hands tightly gripping the sheets and Kato-kun still shakily thrusting in and out as he rode out their orgasms, trembling from the afterglow.

I wasn't until Kato-kun closed his eyes that I noted Ryo-chan's remained open throughout, his eyes wide and focused on the other male even as he was experiencing his own orgasm.

"Wow, if that's how you top then I think we need multiple repeat performances."

Kato-kun grinned at Ryo-chan who didn't respond and had taken to finally closing his eyes instead.

"Hey, Ryo, what's wrong? Oh God, does it hurt anywhere? What is it Ryo?" Kato-kun asked, a hand cupping Ryo-chan's cheek as he guided him to meet his eyes.

"Get off."

"Oh, oh right!" Kato-kun clamored as he pulled out with a wince and a soft groan. "Better?"

"Never better."

Ryo-chan grabbed his shirt and boxers, exited the bedroom and the next thing I knew he was outside, hair askew and face taunt with an emotion I didn't recognize.

Kato-kun stood frozen, mouth open forming questions I couldn't see.

"I hope you enjoyed that, it's the last showing you'll see of the two gay men fucking."

I looked down in surprise as I realized that Ryo-chan was actually addressing me and snapped my head back up as I heard Kato-kun's sharp intake of breath. I opened my mouth to say something but he was already gone, into the bathroom or out the bedroom, I couldn't tell. I turned back to where Ryo-chan was only to find him gone too.

Ten months later I'd meet Kato-kun again and the incident was never brought up. But he told me how he wished Ryo-chan had been his first. And how he imagined he never took to sleeping with other men too, that maybe if Ryo-chan was the only one he ever fucked then Ryo-chan might still be here, waiting on the porch steps, beer and cigarettes in hand.