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jewelledhoursThe Founding of the Women's Disguise Dancing Committee by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
catskilt
heechul, hangeng, eeteuk; various pairings
pg-13; au; 4131 words
a panel of three judges assess candidates' auditions to be part of the newly formed spy group, the women's disguise dancing committee, complete with secret weapons and strangely pleasurable interludes.
inspired by heechul's recent cyworld entry about suju(x) and this picture.
The Founding of the Women's Disguise Dancing Committee
Heechul could swear that he'd been born to greater things than judging candidates auditioning to enter the Spy Organisation's (SpOg) newly proposed Women's Disguise Dancing Committee (short-form to be announced).
A short history of Heechul's written-in-fate-but-not-quite-in-reality greatness.
When his eyes first opened to the world, his mother had proudly said that he was born to be a great teacher; couldn't you see the intelligence shining out of his cute little itty bitty eyes? When he was slightly older and his eyes had stopped being little itty bitty, his father had proclaimed that he would be a great actor like Humphrey Bogart; wasn't it easy how he could fill those eyes with tears whenever something didn't go his way? When he was much older and people weren't paying too much attention to his eyes anymore because he was much more distracting with his mouth, plenty of women had purred that he was destined to be a powerful, influential man who would be able to fly off to Rome on a moment's notice or have sex on the kitchen floor whenever he wanted and oh, such gorgeous lips, baby.
Yet here he is, sitting between two sleepy-eyed judges waiting for the first candidate to arrive. And while he doesn't really mind being on a panel of judges – hey, that phrase has a sort of impressive connotation about it, like courtrooms, juries, trials – there is one clause in the contract that he's not entirely comfortable with.
Conveniently enough, the sleepy-eyed judge next to him, Park Jungsu – also known by his code name Eeteuk – decides just then to remind him of it. "Don't be so strict today, Heechul-sshi. You do remember that if we don't get five by today, we will be the ones performing."
"I know," Heechul says snappily. "I read that contract as thoroughly as you did." He looks over to his other side where China-born Hangeng, code name Hankyung, sits two seconds away from blissful unconsciousness. "I think he was the only one who didn't read it through thoroughly, and only because he got sick of looking up words in the dictionary."
Before Jungsu can reply, the door opens. Everyone's about to yell at the intruder for not knocking first, but then the face poking through belongs to Kim Jonghyun, the relatively new part-time junior clerk whom everyone likes, so he gets smiled at instead. "Excuse me, hyung," Jonghyun says. "The first candidate is ready."
"Send him in," Jungsu says, reaching over Heechul to shake Hangeng awake.
Heechul sighs and picks up his pen. If he's going to do this, he might as well get some fun out of it.
… …
The first candidate slides in coyly. He has a bright tropical flower stuck behind his ear and an equally bright bikini with a batik wraparound skirt lying precariously low on his hips. Heechul's expecting him to bend down and give them a view of whatever's bulking up his chest, or perhaps unroll the skirt and start doing a Madonna dance, or wiggle those hips, or something, you know, because he's dressed like a Hawaiian belly dancer, but he just stops in the middle of the room, pops out two big dimples, and says, "Good afternoon, Jungsu hyung!"
"Hello, Siwon-ssi," Jungsu says happily. "It's good to see you again, how have you been?"
"Training hard with the rest, hoping to debut soon," Siwon says cheerfully. "Good afternoon, Heechul hyung, Hangeng hyung."
"Hi," Heechul says. "Haven't seen you in a while. Hangeng, when was the last time we looked in on the trainees?"
When Hangeng doesn't respond, he glances over to see that the stoic Chinaman has apparently been rendered speechless by Siwon's belly dancer transformation. Hangeng doesn't return to animation within the next five seconds. They refocus attention on Siwon.
"Maybe you can do a 360-degree turn for us," Jungsu suggests.
Siwon complies readily and Heechul has to admit that his toned midriff is pretty distracting, very much so; in fact, he wonders vaguely how that midriff would look lying beneath him on the bed back in his own apartment, and his wonderings are becoming less and less vague and it would be fucking sexy and then Jungsu nudges him hard.
"What," he says, displeased.
Jungsu gives him a look. "I do not approve of being the only one working while my other two colleagues slack off."
"I am not slacking off," Heechul says.
"Neither am I," Hangeng says, apparently returning to life. "I say yes. Very much yes. Siwon-sshi would do, uh, very well on this assignment."
Siwon adjusts the flower behind his ear.
"Heechul-sshi?" Jungsu says.
Heechul clears his throat and attempts at intimidation. "So. Siwon-sshi. This is a very demanding assignment."
Siwon nods, looking anxious.
"You will have to learn any dance handed down from the higher-ups within two or three days, and you will have to perform it convincingly before an audience that would be highly discerning and experienced and, simply put, they'll fry you if they find out that you have a dick."
"I will try my best not to be fried," Siwon says, and Heechul looks sharply at him for a moment trying to figure if he's being sarcastic or not, but Siwon looks pure of evil intent. Very pure. Church choir-like pure.
"Verdict?" Jungsu asks.
Heechul shuffles papers to cover his words. "I don't think he'll last long in this assignment. Goes against his morals and all that."
"Morals?" Jungsu looks bemused. "He's dressed in a bikini with a wraparound, how does that say morals in any way at all?"
"I can guarantee you that he sings in the church choir and contributes to overseas mission funds."
Jungsu blinks. "Okay. I concede that. He gave me a pocket-sized Bible for a birthday gift last year."
"Hyung?" Siwon says. "It's getting cold in this room, I'd really like to put something on."
"Um, okay." Jungsu coughs a little. "Siwon-ah, you're great. We really couldn't have asked for a better candidate. But the thing is, this dancing thing, well. You're too muscular. Don't get me wrong, girls would be flocking to those muscles, just not – men. At least, not the kind of men that we're hoping to get information from. So, for this assignment anyway, I'm afraid we'll have to leave you out of it. But we'll definitely put you on the next one and you'll get your debut!"
"He has the gift of babble," Heechul whispers to Hangeng, uncaring if Hangeng hears him or not.
Siwon only looks mildly disappointed. "Don't forget me then," he says. "Thank you, hyung."
"I won't forget you," Jungsu says, standing up to acquiesce to Siwon's hug.
"I won't forget you," Heechul echoes, aware that his intentions for not forgetting Siwon differ a significant amount from Jungsu's.
Hangeng doesn't say anything, but somehow Heechul gets the feeling that he hasn't forgotten Siwon ever since the both of them first caught sight of him in the shooting range two years ago. That is interesting. Maybe he might have to rethink Siwon's pure image after all.
… …
Everyone says "yes" to the next candidate even before he has the chance to explain why he should be chosen. He's Lee Donghae, one of the early trainees of SpOg, and he's been on a number of assignments as a backup for senior spies. He was one of Heechul's understudies. He's reliable and efficient on the job and he can shoot straight and listen through doors and walls and more importantly, he's gorgeous in a unisex way, certain to attract anyone he's out to attract.
Though really, most importantly, everyone loves him and wants him to debut so that he can start achieving great things.
"The only problem is," Heechul says with his arm around Donghae, "I don't like sending him into that place full of men out to grope him."
"I've gotten used to that after four years in SpOg's training programme, hyung," Donghae says.
Jungsu looks pointedly at Heechul's arm. "I can see the argument in that."
"Don't worry," Hangeng says, patting Donghae's thighs. "I have faith in Donghae!"
"I suppose that means that you're in, you're about to debut with your first big assignment!" Heechul squishes Donghae a little because really, Donghae is the cutest thing alive and anybody in SpOg without a Donghae bias is simply asking to be kicked.
Donghae gets off the arm of Heechul's chair to jump around a little. "Does that mean that I get to choose my partners?" he asks excitedly. "I know I can't ask for all, but just one? Please? So I have company?"
"Just one," says Jungsu, smiling indulgently.
Donghae throws open the door, reaches out and drags Lee Hyukjae in. Or, at least, Heechul thinks it's Lee Hyukjae in that smoky eyeliner and long flowing wig and red hairclip and fashionably oversized jumper and shorts and leggings and no he's not fantasizing about this gorgeous piece of…
"Hyukjae-yah," Jungsu motions towards him. "You haven't put on your lipstick. Try this on."
He has red lipstick in his briefcase. Neither Heechul or Hangeng question why. Jungsu knows the secrets to the world, and the workings of spy organisations, and all that. Donghae applies the lipstick on Hyukjae's lips and Heechul's thoughts once again go on a rampage to the gutter because fuck this gorgeous piece of Hyukjae has become vampy and when the hell did that happen? Wasn't he firing blanks and awkward gummy smiles just two years ago in that shooting range while Siwon owned them all with his perfect movie-like stance with the pistol?
"I could fuck you," he says without thinking.
Everyone stares at him for a moment and he becomes aware that he might have said something disagreeably surprising. Or, come to that, just really surprising, because Heechul has never once shown any interest in Lee Hyukjae despite Donghae and Hyukjae being a kind of buy-1-get-1-free package at SpOg.
Then Hyukjae's thought processes finish the analysis of Heechul's brevity. He blushes, peeks a little from under his fake lashes, and Heechul doesn't fall for this, ever. He's impervious to feminine charms. Then again Hyukjae's not a female and his own body is pretty certain that there's beginning to be some sort of tightness down there. He doesn't get it. Of all people, Hyukjae should not be inspiring this chemical reaction.
Jungsu clears his throat and the air simultaneously. "I think," he says, "that we're all agreed Hyukjae shall be part of the Women's Disguise Dancing Committee. I also propose that we take a fifteen-minute break. Judging auditions is very tiring work. Heechul-sshi, did you hear that? We're taking a toilet break."
For once, Heechul is grateful for Jungsu's omniscience.
… …
"That makes two," Jungsu yawns, stretching himself. "Three more to go and we're done."
"We could have finished earlier if Heechul hadn't spent so much time in the toilet." Hangeng takes his feet down from the table.
"Look, it wasn't my fault that I took so long," Heechul says. "I wasn't expecting him to walk into the toilet, was I? Or that he was asking to be persuaded?"
"Judging from the sounds I heard when I went to wash my hands, you were spending more time enjoying the fruits of your persuading skills," Jungsu says dryly.
Heechul shrugs. "Situations are up for different interpretations."
Jungsu looks unconvinced and Hangeng doesn't understand but, but, he thinks complacently, that had been a very pleasant interlude. Very pleasant. Who would have thought? Life works in strange ways. Fate and stars and serendipity and eyeliner and all that. Hyukjae had been pretty hot in more ways than one, tight and no, oh god, this isn't what he wants after that very pleasant interlude.
"No," he shouts, standing up and brandishing his fist diva-style. "Take off that wig you look violated."
Kyuhyun lingers at the door, unperturbed by Heechul's violent reaction. "Jungsu hyung?"
"Come in," Jungsu says, waving him in resignedly. "Heechul, sit down. That wig isn't permanent."
"It's not the permanence that disturbs me," Heechul says. "It's the existence."
"I don't think I look that bad," Kyuhyun says defensively. "Sungmin hyung said I looked decent."
"Sungmin hyung doesn't have eyes worth mentioning," Heechul snaps. "No, you know what? I like you best as boy. You remain boy."
Kyuhyun looks to Jungsu and Hangeng for a more respected second opinion.
"Personally I don't think you look that bad," Hangeng begins, "but you're a little too tall, you know."
"Hangeng has a point," says Jungsu. "Girls tend to be shorter and…waif-like. Elves in frolic. If we were looking for supermodels, though, you'd definitely be first on our list, Kyuhyunnie."
"Would you ever be looking for supermodels?" Kyuhyun asks.
"Who knows?" Jungsu says diplomatically. "An assignment for supermodels might just come up."
"Too tall." Hangeng smiles apologetically.
"No, seriously." Heechul's shaking his head. "You just. You cannot do this. You are a creepy girl. Jungsu and Hangeng are just softening the blow."
"They're pretty good at it," Kyuhyun says, walking up to Jungsu and giving him an affectionate hug. "I would hug you too, Heechul hyung, if you weren't so creeped out by me."
"Maybe tonight," Heechul says as Kyuhyun crosses over to hug Hangeng. "When you've burned that wig and all the makeup off your face."
Kyuhyun makes his way to the door. "I'll consider it and let you know."
… …
Jonghyun comes in next. This time Hangeng speaks up first. "Not you, you're too young."
"I'm not auditioning," Jonghyun says, surprised. "I came to tell you that there's only one candidate left."
"What?" Jungsu almost shrieks. "Only one? Who is it?"
Jonghyun checks his clipboard even though he's pretty sure who the last candidate is. He's only been sitting out in the waiting area for the past hour, after all. "Shin Donghee."
"Donghee," Jungsu repeats. "What happened to Sungmin? Jongwoon? Kibum? Weren't they all discussing the auditions just last week?"
"Sungmin hyung and Jongwoon hyung have been assigned to another job," Jonghyun says. "Kibum hyung, um, has taken a leave of absence."
Jungsu gestures for Donghee to be sent in and Jonghyun escapes the judges' distress. "This is all your fault," Jungsu says to Heechul. "Hangeng and I would have let Siwon in, but you had to be picky about his morals…"
"And I thought Kyuhyun's height was perfect, but you had to insult his wig," Hangeng goes on.
"Hold it." Heechul sits back and glares at the both of them. "You are totally ganging up on the wrong guy. If I recall correctly – and I do recall correctly – Jungsu was babbling about Siwon's muscles and Hangeng was the first one to mention that Kyuhyun is too tall. If we have three remaining empty spaces and only one candidate left, this situation is the result of all of us being short-sighted."
"But this doesn't make it better!" Jungsu groans. "And now Donghee…"
"Is anything but waif-like," says a cheerful voice, and they turn from their private dispute to see Donghee standing at the door in a neon-green down jacket, a denim mini-skirt, and long curly pigtails. "Kyuhyunnie told me that he'd been rejected because he wasn't elfish enough. Well, neither am I, but I thought I could appeal to the segment of the male population that favours bigger girls over waifs and elves. They exist, you know. The males, I mean, not the bigger girls."
Hangeng smiles encouragingly at Donghee, because he's one of the fun trainees and marvellously talented with a pistol and any target within ten meters. Jungsu smiles because Donghee makes a lot of sense. "You're right," he says, "you could be the Queen Latifah of this outfit."
"Donghee dances really well too," Hangeng supplies.
"He does have a certain charm," Jungsu says.
"He could be one of the leaders, especially since he's older than the rest," Hangeng says.
Heechul rubs his forehead. "Okay. I guess that means Donghee is in."
"Congratulations!" Jungsu proclaims, feeling the oddity of this being the first time he's made an official proclamation. "You have been accepted into the Women's Disguise Dancing Committee."
Donghee punches his fist in the air and, for further celebratory purposes, performs a little breakdance. Heechul thinks that Donghee should really breakdance only when he has trousers on, not mini-skirts.
So, with the situation broken down: five spaces, three filled, two more to go, no candidates left. The judges sit for a very long time over their papers.
… …
"I have it," Heechul announces sometime after four p.m. Hangeng and Jungsu, faces drawn from worry and hard work, look at him hopefully. Heechul pirouettes in the middle of the room. "We're missing out on the most obvious solution. Do you remember last year, when I was given that assignment of infiltrating that huge girl group? I brought Ryeowook with me."
"I remember," Jungsu says. "The other trainees were on an overseas training project so Ryeowook was the only one available."
Heechul nods excitedly. "And you'll also remember that Ryeowook was a rousing success."
Hangeng's eyes light up. "I remember! Ryeowookie has a different personality when he puts on a wig."
"Ryeowook is an actor of considerable talent," Jungsu adds musingly. "Remember that little stage play the trainees put up two years ago? Ryeowookie was the highlight of the show with his portrayal of an eccentric nerd."
"Right," Heechul says. "What's stopping us from recruiting him as the fourth member of this dancing women gig?"
"Well," Jungsu puts the tip of his right index finger on his lip. "He didn't sign up to audition. Our company policy is never to compel anyone to do anything he doesn't want to."
Heechul snorts. "You're forgetting Ryeowook's personality."
He goes over to the desk and presses a button. Almost immediately, Jonghyun's head looks in. "You called for me, hyung?"
"Yes," Heechul says. "Would be very grateful if you could bring Kim Ryeowook to us, at our special request."
Jonghyun grins happily and withdraws.
"No compelling," Jungsu reminds Heechul. "If Ryeowookie wants to do it, he shall. If he doesn't, he won't."
"You're such a grandmother," Heechul grumbles. "Do you see me compelling him? Or anyone, for that matter? Am I compelling you to jump out the window even though that's what I really want you to do now?"
"That's not a very nice thing," Jungsu begins, but as always, gets cut off by events taking place. Ryeowook sidles into the room uncertainly, slightly relieved when he sees just the three of them inside, but still maintaining a modicum of anxiety – typical of any trainee up against Park Jungsu and Kim Heechul's whims. "You wanted me, hyung?" he says.
"Yes," Heechul says, going straight to business. "I'm sure you know all about this audition. We're in need of more members, and we were thinking that you would be perfect because of your success with the G-G-G assignment last year."
"Oh, yes," Ryeowook says, smiling at the memory.
Jungsu adopts a more fatherly approach. "We think you would be great, but is there anything holding you back? You didn't sign up for this, and we won't force you if you don't want to."
"Oh, no," Ryeowook blushes a little in his distress to explain. "I didn't mean to not sign up. I really want to debut in this assignment, but everyone else was so confident and I felt so…I didn't think I would make it…Donghae hyung kept telling me to try out like the rest of them, but it's the whole auditioning thing…"
"He was shy," Heechul summarises. "You're not shy anymore now, are you, Ryeowookie?"
"Not if you think I can do it well," Ryeowook says bravely.
"Trust me," Heechul says, smiling at him, "you'll be our secret weapon."
Ryeowook is in.
… …
"And that's it! We have no one else!" Jungsu wails, flopping back down on his seat, sick of the world and Heechul. Mostly Heechul.
"You should be jumping for joy," Heechul says. "Auditions are over."
"But we've only allowed four in!" Jungsu points out, sitting back up to bring his argument more vehemently across. "That means that one of us has to be a cross dresser and perform at that sleazy club and oh god what am I going to tell Youngwoon if he asks?"
"With hope, he will be doing, not asking." Heechul gives Jungsu a suggestive look that Jungsu is too distressed to comprehend.
From the far side of the table, Hangeng pushes his chair back. "Wait, wait," he says, holding up a hand. "What do you mean, one of us has to perform?"
"Because of Heechul's high standards, we've only let in four candidates," Jungsu says. "The higher-ups told us to get a minimum of five, failing which we'll have to fill in the remaining empty spots ourselves."
Hangeng stands still in dismay. "What! I can't fill in as a woman! A Korean woman! I have hard time already being Korean man, I cannot be Korean woman, what I know of being Korean woman? What if they want me to talk tian yan mi yu? What can I say? They where got tell us to be Korean women?"
Heechul interrupts the deluge of increasingly broken Korean (or Chinese, he's not very sure now which language Hangeng is in). "In the contract. Clause 21. You would have read it if you hadn't given up after number five."
"I want a contract termination," Hangeng declares.
"You can't get one," Jungsu begins.
"Wait," Heechul holds up his hand now, "where did you learn that term, contract termination?"
"Last page, final clause," Hangeng says gloomily. "I flipped to the back."
"I'll read Clause 21 to you," Jungsu says, reaching into his briefcase and bringing out a sheath of papers. He flips a couple of pages, reads a little here and there, and begins in his oratorical voice, " 'In the event of an unexpected situation wherein the judge is unable to select five candidates of appropriate appearance and talents to fulfil the criteria as abovementioned in Clause 13, the judge is responsible for closing the gap in the deficient sector by performing the required duties in order to achieve desired result.'"
"I didn't know I was supposed to understand that," Hangeng says, feeling the need to be treated fairly. He's from Hei Long Jiang, China. He has a nice father and a simple mother who likes making dumplings. He wasn't raised to understand long, convoluted, legal-sounding Korean words.
"You signed it," Heechul says. "That means that no matter how much you don't understand it, you understand it anyway."
"I think," says Jungsu gently, "that Hangeng should be treated fairly."
Hangeng looks happy to have someone on his side. All the better still if that someone is Park Jungsu, one of the veterans of SpOg, with strings wound around every finger whether he pulls on them or not.
"You're not pulling any strings this time," Heechul says, instantly suspicious.
Jungsu turns a caring, concerned look on him. "Heechul-sshi, you wouldn't want Hangeng to leave us, would you? And I certainly can't deal with the pressures of this assignment; you know what the doctor said the last time I went for my medical check-up. I am to perform administrative duties only. So really, that leaves you."
"I'm not doing it," Heechul says immediately. Making his stand. Because that's what he does, he's Kim Heechul and he makes his stands and nobody interferes with them.
… …
"I'm not doing it," Heechul says. "Not with lopsided pigtails. Will you goddamn fix them already before I'm out parading that stage."
Kyuhyun drifts over to fix the maligned pigtails. "Steady, hyung. I could be in your place right now, but you were too busy being creeped out to think of the consequences, you know. Besides, you're gorgeous as a girl."
Heechul does not deign to reply. He knows very well how he came to be standing where he is right now, but he's not yet ready to deal with the knowledge. Or really, to face it.
… …
Heechul could swear that he'd been born to greater things than being part of the newly formed Women's Disguise Dancing Committee ("Henceforth to be known," Jungsu had announced pompously to him that morning, "as the WDDC.")
He can't help but think that Donghae looks adorable in his little hat. That Ryeowook is going to blow everyone away (with his dancing, of course, nothing else, shut up). That Hyukjae looks about as vampy as any beauty queen contestant. That perhaps he needs to spend a few minutes in the toilet with Hyukjae before show time. And that Shindong needs a little more lipstick.
And then, he supposes, it's out of the curtains onto the stage for SpOg and the WDDC and the Very Tough Assignment and the sexy remix of Chu~.
end
Because really, Suju(x) was all I ever wanted from life. I'm sure you agree :D
catskiltheechul, hangeng, eeteuk; various pairings
pg-13; au; 4131 words
a panel of three judges assess candidates' auditions to be part of the newly formed spy group, the women's disguise dancing committee, complete with secret weapons and strangely pleasurable interludes.
inspired by heechul's recent cyworld entry about suju(x) and this picture.
Heechul could swear that he'd been born to greater things than judging candidates auditioning to enter the Spy Organisation's (SpOg) newly proposed Women's Disguise Dancing Committee (short-form to be announced).
A short history of Heechul's written-in-fate-but-not-quite-in-reality greatness.
When his eyes first opened to the world, his mother had proudly said that he was born to be a great teacher; couldn't you see the intelligence shining out of his cute little itty bitty eyes? When he was slightly older and his eyes had stopped being little itty bitty, his father had proclaimed that he would be a great actor like Humphrey Bogart; wasn't it easy how he could fill those eyes with tears whenever something didn't go his way? When he was much older and people weren't paying too much attention to his eyes anymore because he was much more distracting with his mouth, plenty of women had purred that he was destined to be a powerful, influential man who would be able to fly off to Rome on a moment's notice or have sex on the kitchen floor whenever he wanted and oh, such gorgeous lips, baby.
Yet here he is, sitting between two sleepy-eyed judges waiting for the first candidate to arrive. And while he doesn't really mind being on a panel of judges – hey, that phrase has a sort of impressive connotation about it, like courtrooms, juries, trials – there is one clause in the contract that he's not entirely comfortable with.
Conveniently enough, the sleepy-eyed judge next to him, Park Jungsu – also known by his code name Eeteuk – decides just then to remind him of it. "Don't be so strict today, Heechul-sshi. You do remember that if we don't get five by today, we will be the ones performing."
"I know," Heechul says snappily. "I read that contract as thoroughly as you did." He looks over to his other side where China-born Hangeng, code name Hankyung, sits two seconds away from blissful unconsciousness. "I think he was the only one who didn't read it through thoroughly, and only because he got sick of looking up words in the dictionary."
Before Jungsu can reply, the door opens. Everyone's about to yell at the intruder for not knocking first, but then the face poking through belongs to Kim Jonghyun, the relatively new part-time junior clerk whom everyone likes, so he gets smiled at instead. "Excuse me, hyung," Jonghyun says. "The first candidate is ready."
"Send him in," Jungsu says, reaching over Heechul to shake Hangeng awake.
Heechul sighs and picks up his pen. If he's going to do this, he might as well get some fun out of it.
… …
The first candidate slides in coyly. He has a bright tropical flower stuck behind his ear and an equally bright bikini with a batik wraparound skirt lying precariously low on his hips. Heechul's expecting him to bend down and give them a view of whatever's bulking up his chest, or perhaps unroll the skirt and start doing a Madonna dance, or wiggle those hips, or something, you know, because he's dressed like a Hawaiian belly dancer, but he just stops in the middle of the room, pops out two big dimples, and says, "Good afternoon, Jungsu hyung!"
"Hello, Siwon-ssi," Jungsu says happily. "It's good to see you again, how have you been?"
"Training hard with the rest, hoping to debut soon," Siwon says cheerfully. "Good afternoon, Heechul hyung, Hangeng hyung."
"Hi," Heechul says. "Haven't seen you in a while. Hangeng, when was the last time we looked in on the trainees?"
When Hangeng doesn't respond, he glances over to see that the stoic Chinaman has apparently been rendered speechless by Siwon's belly dancer transformation. Hangeng doesn't return to animation within the next five seconds. They refocus attention on Siwon.
"Maybe you can do a 360-degree turn for us," Jungsu suggests.
Siwon complies readily and Heechul has to admit that his toned midriff is pretty distracting, very much so; in fact, he wonders vaguely how that midriff would look lying beneath him on the bed back in his own apartment, and his wonderings are becoming less and less vague and it would be fucking sexy and then Jungsu nudges him hard.
"What," he says, displeased.
Jungsu gives him a look. "I do not approve of being the only one working while my other two colleagues slack off."
"I am not slacking off," Heechul says.
"Neither am I," Hangeng says, apparently returning to life. "I say yes. Very much yes. Siwon-sshi would do, uh, very well on this assignment."
Siwon adjusts the flower behind his ear.
"Heechul-sshi?" Jungsu says.
Heechul clears his throat and attempts at intimidation. "So. Siwon-sshi. This is a very demanding assignment."
Siwon nods, looking anxious.
"You will have to learn any dance handed down from the higher-ups within two or three days, and you will have to perform it convincingly before an audience that would be highly discerning and experienced and, simply put, they'll fry you if they find out that you have a dick."
"I will try my best not to be fried," Siwon says, and Heechul looks sharply at him for a moment trying to figure if he's being sarcastic or not, but Siwon looks pure of evil intent. Very pure. Church choir-like pure.
"Verdict?" Jungsu asks.
Heechul shuffles papers to cover his words. "I don't think he'll last long in this assignment. Goes against his morals and all that."
"Morals?" Jungsu looks bemused. "He's dressed in a bikini with a wraparound, how does that say morals in any way at all?"
"I can guarantee you that he sings in the church choir and contributes to overseas mission funds."
Jungsu blinks. "Okay. I concede that. He gave me a pocket-sized Bible for a birthday gift last year."
"Hyung?" Siwon says. "It's getting cold in this room, I'd really like to put something on."
"Um, okay." Jungsu coughs a little. "Siwon-ah, you're great. We really couldn't have asked for a better candidate. But the thing is, this dancing thing, well. You're too muscular. Don't get me wrong, girls would be flocking to those muscles, just not – men. At least, not the kind of men that we're hoping to get information from. So, for this assignment anyway, I'm afraid we'll have to leave you out of it. But we'll definitely put you on the next one and you'll get your debut!"
"He has the gift of babble," Heechul whispers to Hangeng, uncaring if Hangeng hears him or not.
Siwon only looks mildly disappointed. "Don't forget me then," he says. "Thank you, hyung."
"I won't forget you," Jungsu says, standing up to acquiesce to Siwon's hug.
"I won't forget you," Heechul echoes, aware that his intentions for not forgetting Siwon differ a significant amount from Jungsu's.
Hangeng doesn't say anything, but somehow Heechul gets the feeling that he hasn't forgotten Siwon ever since the both of them first caught sight of him in the shooting range two years ago. That is interesting. Maybe he might have to rethink Siwon's pure image after all.
… …
Everyone says "yes" to the next candidate even before he has the chance to explain why he should be chosen. He's Lee Donghae, one of the early trainees of SpOg, and he's been on a number of assignments as a backup for senior spies. He was one of Heechul's understudies. He's reliable and efficient on the job and he can shoot straight and listen through doors and walls and more importantly, he's gorgeous in a unisex way, certain to attract anyone he's out to attract.
Though really, most importantly, everyone loves him and wants him to debut so that he can start achieving great things.
"The only problem is," Heechul says with his arm around Donghae, "I don't like sending him into that place full of men out to grope him."
"I've gotten used to that after four years in SpOg's training programme, hyung," Donghae says.
Jungsu looks pointedly at Heechul's arm. "I can see the argument in that."
"Don't worry," Hangeng says, patting Donghae's thighs. "I have faith in Donghae!"
"I suppose that means that you're in, you're about to debut with your first big assignment!" Heechul squishes Donghae a little because really, Donghae is the cutest thing alive and anybody in SpOg without a Donghae bias is simply asking to be kicked.
Donghae gets off the arm of Heechul's chair to jump around a little. "Does that mean that I get to choose my partners?" he asks excitedly. "I know I can't ask for all, but just one? Please? So I have company?"
"Just one," says Jungsu, smiling indulgently.
Donghae throws open the door, reaches out and drags Lee Hyukjae in. Or, at least, Heechul thinks it's Lee Hyukjae in that smoky eyeliner and long flowing wig and red hairclip and fashionably oversized jumper and shorts and leggings and no he's not fantasizing about this gorgeous piece of…
"Hyukjae-yah," Jungsu motions towards him. "You haven't put on your lipstick. Try this on."
He has red lipstick in his briefcase. Neither Heechul or Hangeng question why. Jungsu knows the secrets to the world, and the workings of spy organisations, and all that. Donghae applies the lipstick on Hyukjae's lips and Heechul's thoughts once again go on a rampage to the gutter because fuck this gorgeous piece of Hyukjae has become vampy and when the hell did that happen? Wasn't he firing blanks and awkward gummy smiles just two years ago in that shooting range while Siwon owned them all with his perfect movie-like stance with the pistol?
"I could fuck you," he says without thinking.
Everyone stares at him for a moment and he becomes aware that he might have said something disagreeably surprising. Or, come to that, just really surprising, because Heechul has never once shown any interest in Lee Hyukjae despite Donghae and Hyukjae being a kind of buy-1-get-1-free package at SpOg.
Then Hyukjae's thought processes finish the analysis of Heechul's brevity. He blushes, peeks a little from under his fake lashes, and Heechul doesn't fall for this, ever. He's impervious to feminine charms. Then again Hyukjae's not a female and his own body is pretty certain that there's beginning to be some sort of tightness down there. He doesn't get it. Of all people, Hyukjae should not be inspiring this chemical reaction.
Jungsu clears his throat and the air simultaneously. "I think," he says, "that we're all agreed Hyukjae shall be part of the Women's Disguise Dancing Committee. I also propose that we take a fifteen-minute break. Judging auditions is very tiring work. Heechul-sshi, did you hear that? We're taking a toilet break."
For once, Heechul is grateful for Jungsu's omniscience.
… …
"That makes two," Jungsu yawns, stretching himself. "Three more to go and we're done."
"We could have finished earlier if Heechul hadn't spent so much time in the toilet." Hangeng takes his feet down from the table.
"Look, it wasn't my fault that I took so long," Heechul says. "I wasn't expecting him to walk into the toilet, was I? Or that he was asking to be persuaded?"
"Judging from the sounds I heard when I went to wash my hands, you were spending more time enjoying the fruits of your persuading skills," Jungsu says dryly.
Heechul shrugs. "Situations are up for different interpretations."
Jungsu looks unconvinced and Hangeng doesn't understand but, but, he thinks complacently, that had been a very pleasant interlude. Very pleasant. Who would have thought? Life works in strange ways. Fate and stars and serendipity and eyeliner and all that. Hyukjae had been pretty hot in more ways than one, tight and no, oh god, this isn't what he wants after that very pleasant interlude.
"No," he shouts, standing up and brandishing his fist diva-style. "Take off that wig you look violated."
Kyuhyun lingers at the door, unperturbed by Heechul's violent reaction. "Jungsu hyung?"
"Come in," Jungsu says, waving him in resignedly. "Heechul, sit down. That wig isn't permanent."
"It's not the permanence that disturbs me," Heechul says. "It's the existence."
"I don't think I look that bad," Kyuhyun says defensively. "Sungmin hyung said I looked decent."
"Sungmin hyung doesn't have eyes worth mentioning," Heechul snaps. "No, you know what? I like you best as boy. You remain boy."
Kyuhyun looks to Jungsu and Hangeng for a more respected second opinion.
"Personally I don't think you look that bad," Hangeng begins, "but you're a little too tall, you know."
"Hangeng has a point," says Jungsu. "Girls tend to be shorter and…waif-like. Elves in frolic. If we were looking for supermodels, though, you'd definitely be first on our list, Kyuhyunnie."
"Would you ever be looking for supermodels?" Kyuhyun asks.
"Who knows?" Jungsu says diplomatically. "An assignment for supermodels might just come up."
"Too tall." Hangeng smiles apologetically.
"No, seriously." Heechul's shaking his head. "You just. You cannot do this. You are a creepy girl. Jungsu and Hangeng are just softening the blow."
"They're pretty good at it," Kyuhyun says, walking up to Jungsu and giving him an affectionate hug. "I would hug you too, Heechul hyung, if you weren't so creeped out by me."
"Maybe tonight," Heechul says as Kyuhyun crosses over to hug Hangeng. "When you've burned that wig and all the makeup off your face."
Kyuhyun makes his way to the door. "I'll consider it and let you know."
… …
Jonghyun comes in next. This time Hangeng speaks up first. "Not you, you're too young."
"I'm not auditioning," Jonghyun says, surprised. "I came to tell you that there's only one candidate left."
"What?" Jungsu almost shrieks. "Only one? Who is it?"
Jonghyun checks his clipboard even though he's pretty sure who the last candidate is. He's only been sitting out in the waiting area for the past hour, after all. "Shin Donghee."
"Donghee," Jungsu repeats. "What happened to Sungmin? Jongwoon? Kibum? Weren't they all discussing the auditions just last week?"
"Sungmin hyung and Jongwoon hyung have been assigned to another job," Jonghyun says. "Kibum hyung, um, has taken a leave of absence."
Jungsu gestures for Donghee to be sent in and Jonghyun escapes the judges' distress. "This is all your fault," Jungsu says to Heechul. "Hangeng and I would have let Siwon in, but you had to be picky about his morals…"
"And I thought Kyuhyun's height was perfect, but you had to insult his wig," Hangeng goes on.
"Hold it." Heechul sits back and glares at the both of them. "You are totally ganging up on the wrong guy. If I recall correctly – and I do recall correctly – Jungsu was babbling about Siwon's muscles and Hangeng was the first one to mention that Kyuhyun is too tall. If we have three remaining empty spaces and only one candidate left, this situation is the result of all of us being short-sighted."
"But this doesn't make it better!" Jungsu groans. "And now Donghee…"
"Is anything but waif-like," says a cheerful voice, and they turn from their private dispute to see Donghee standing at the door in a neon-green down jacket, a denim mini-skirt, and long curly pigtails. "Kyuhyunnie told me that he'd been rejected because he wasn't elfish enough. Well, neither am I, but I thought I could appeal to the segment of the male population that favours bigger girls over waifs and elves. They exist, you know. The males, I mean, not the bigger girls."
Hangeng smiles encouragingly at Donghee, because he's one of the fun trainees and marvellously talented with a pistol and any target within ten meters. Jungsu smiles because Donghee makes a lot of sense. "You're right," he says, "you could be the Queen Latifah of this outfit."
"Donghee dances really well too," Hangeng supplies.
"He does have a certain charm," Jungsu says.
"He could be one of the leaders, especially since he's older than the rest," Hangeng says.
Heechul rubs his forehead. "Okay. I guess that means Donghee is in."
"Congratulations!" Jungsu proclaims, feeling the oddity of this being the first time he's made an official proclamation. "You have been accepted into the Women's Disguise Dancing Committee."
Donghee punches his fist in the air and, for further celebratory purposes, performs a little breakdance. Heechul thinks that Donghee should really breakdance only when he has trousers on, not mini-skirts.
So, with the situation broken down: five spaces, three filled, two more to go, no candidates left. The judges sit for a very long time over their papers.
… …
"I have it," Heechul announces sometime after four p.m. Hangeng and Jungsu, faces drawn from worry and hard work, look at him hopefully. Heechul pirouettes in the middle of the room. "We're missing out on the most obvious solution. Do you remember last year, when I was given that assignment of infiltrating that huge girl group? I brought Ryeowook with me."
"I remember," Jungsu says. "The other trainees were on an overseas training project so Ryeowook was the only one available."
Heechul nods excitedly. "And you'll also remember that Ryeowook was a rousing success."
Hangeng's eyes light up. "I remember! Ryeowookie has a different personality when he puts on a wig."
"Ryeowook is an actor of considerable talent," Jungsu adds musingly. "Remember that little stage play the trainees put up two years ago? Ryeowookie was the highlight of the show with his portrayal of an eccentric nerd."
"Right," Heechul says. "What's stopping us from recruiting him as the fourth member of this dancing women gig?"
"Well," Jungsu puts the tip of his right index finger on his lip. "He didn't sign up to audition. Our company policy is never to compel anyone to do anything he doesn't want to."
Heechul snorts. "You're forgetting Ryeowook's personality."
He goes over to the desk and presses a button. Almost immediately, Jonghyun's head looks in. "You called for me, hyung?"
"Yes," Heechul says. "Would be very grateful if you could bring Kim Ryeowook to us, at our special request."
Jonghyun grins happily and withdraws.
"No compelling," Jungsu reminds Heechul. "If Ryeowookie wants to do it, he shall. If he doesn't, he won't."
"You're such a grandmother," Heechul grumbles. "Do you see me compelling him? Or anyone, for that matter? Am I compelling you to jump out the window even though that's what I really want you to do now?"
"That's not a very nice thing," Jungsu begins, but as always, gets cut off by events taking place. Ryeowook sidles into the room uncertainly, slightly relieved when he sees just the three of them inside, but still maintaining a modicum of anxiety – typical of any trainee up against Park Jungsu and Kim Heechul's whims. "You wanted me, hyung?" he says.
"Yes," Heechul says, going straight to business. "I'm sure you know all about this audition. We're in need of more members, and we were thinking that you would be perfect because of your success with the G-G-G assignment last year."
"Oh, yes," Ryeowook says, smiling at the memory.
Jungsu adopts a more fatherly approach. "We think you would be great, but is there anything holding you back? You didn't sign up for this, and we won't force you if you don't want to."
"Oh, no," Ryeowook blushes a little in his distress to explain. "I didn't mean to not sign up. I really want to debut in this assignment, but everyone else was so confident and I felt so…I didn't think I would make it…Donghae hyung kept telling me to try out like the rest of them, but it's the whole auditioning thing…"
"He was shy," Heechul summarises. "You're not shy anymore now, are you, Ryeowookie?"
"Not if you think I can do it well," Ryeowook says bravely.
"Trust me," Heechul says, smiling at him, "you'll be our secret weapon."
Ryeowook is in.
… …
"And that's it! We have no one else!" Jungsu wails, flopping back down on his seat, sick of the world and Heechul. Mostly Heechul.
"You should be jumping for joy," Heechul says. "Auditions are over."
"But we've only allowed four in!" Jungsu points out, sitting back up to bring his argument more vehemently across. "That means that one of us has to be a cross dresser and perform at that sleazy club and oh god what am I going to tell Youngwoon if he asks?"
"With hope, he will be doing, not asking." Heechul gives Jungsu a suggestive look that Jungsu is too distressed to comprehend.
From the far side of the table, Hangeng pushes his chair back. "Wait, wait," he says, holding up a hand. "What do you mean, one of us has to perform?"
"Because of Heechul's high standards, we've only let in four candidates," Jungsu says. "The higher-ups told us to get a minimum of five, failing which we'll have to fill in the remaining empty spots ourselves."
Hangeng stands still in dismay. "What! I can't fill in as a woman! A Korean woman! I have hard time already being Korean man, I cannot be Korean woman, what I know of being Korean woman? What if they want me to talk tian yan mi yu? What can I say? They where got tell us to be Korean women?"
Heechul interrupts the deluge of increasingly broken Korean (or Chinese, he's not very sure now which language Hangeng is in). "In the contract. Clause 21. You would have read it if you hadn't given up after number five."
"I want a contract termination," Hangeng declares.
"You can't get one," Jungsu begins.
"Wait," Heechul holds up his hand now, "where did you learn that term, contract termination?"
"Last page, final clause," Hangeng says gloomily. "I flipped to the back."
"I'll read Clause 21 to you," Jungsu says, reaching into his briefcase and bringing out a sheath of papers. He flips a couple of pages, reads a little here and there, and begins in his oratorical voice, " 'In the event of an unexpected situation wherein the judge is unable to select five candidates of appropriate appearance and talents to fulfil the criteria as abovementioned in Clause 13, the judge is responsible for closing the gap in the deficient sector by performing the required duties in order to achieve desired result.'"
"I didn't know I was supposed to understand that," Hangeng says, feeling the need to be treated fairly. He's from Hei Long Jiang, China. He has a nice father and a simple mother who likes making dumplings. He wasn't raised to understand long, convoluted, legal-sounding Korean words.
"You signed it," Heechul says. "That means that no matter how much you don't understand it, you understand it anyway."
"I think," says Jungsu gently, "that Hangeng should be treated fairly."
Hangeng looks happy to have someone on his side. All the better still if that someone is Park Jungsu, one of the veterans of SpOg, with strings wound around every finger whether he pulls on them or not.
"You're not pulling any strings this time," Heechul says, instantly suspicious.
Jungsu turns a caring, concerned look on him. "Heechul-sshi, you wouldn't want Hangeng to leave us, would you? And I certainly can't deal with the pressures of this assignment; you know what the doctor said the last time I went for my medical check-up. I am to perform administrative duties only. So really, that leaves you."
"I'm not doing it," Heechul says immediately. Making his stand. Because that's what he does, he's Kim Heechul and he makes his stands and nobody interferes with them.
… …
"I'm not doing it," Heechul says. "Not with lopsided pigtails. Will you goddamn fix them already before I'm out parading that stage."
Kyuhyun drifts over to fix the maligned pigtails. "Steady, hyung. I could be in your place right now, but you were too busy being creeped out to think of the consequences, you know. Besides, you're gorgeous as a girl."
Heechul does not deign to reply. He knows very well how he came to be standing where he is right now, but he's not yet ready to deal with the knowledge. Or really, to face it.
… …
Heechul could swear that he'd been born to greater things than being part of the newly formed Women's Disguise Dancing Committee ("Henceforth to be known," Jungsu had announced pompously to him that morning, "as the WDDC.")
He can't help but think that Donghae looks adorable in his little hat. That Ryeowook is going to blow everyone away (with his dancing, of course, nothing else, shut up). That Hyukjae looks about as vampy as any beauty queen contestant. That perhaps he needs to spend a few minutes in the toilet with Hyukjae before show time. And that Shindong needs a little more lipstick.
And then, he supposes, it's out of the curtains onto the stage for SpOg and the WDDC and the Very Tough Assignment and the sexy remix of Chu~.
end
Because really, Suju(x) was all I ever wanted from life. I'm sure you agree :D
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